Caffeine and Craziness

It's almost November, and I haven't had nearly enough October. We should start a petition to make spooky season last about three months, like Christmas. Before you scoff, the stores have Christmas stuff next to the Halloween stuff already. I get being prepared, but who shops that early? Let me guess, you? If you can prepare for Christmas this early, I want to be you when I grow up. I stress myself all out, forgetting to shop and whatnot before it's like Christmas Eve. But back to October, where did it go? The leaves are barely changing, and I feel cheated. I was so excited for one of my favorite bands to be here for Fall, and you know what they were greeted with? Green trees and warm weather. That's so rude. Plus, November is when it gets cold, and no thanks, I'm good there. It's bad enough the office is already cold enough to freeze food. I swear either a man or a menopausal woman controls the thermostat cause the rest of us are popsicles. 

Also, I think I missed the perimenopause thing. I hear people my age talking about it, and I don't think I've met her yet. Thank you, psych meds. haha. Hopefully I skip that part of being an adult because no thanks. It sounds like a very uncomfortable nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, that damn gnat hallucination is going to be the reason I lose my mind. Twice this week at work, it decided to drive me up the freaking wall. Five hours. It dive-bombed my mouth for 5 hours on Friday. I was ready to start throwing stuff at myself. I mean, if I have to have schizophrenia, it could at least give me hallucinations of someone giving me a comforting bear hug or something. Why the hallucinations all have to be highly annoying is beyond me. Anyway, so here's hoping this week is better because my patience is running thin. I mean, that's kinda funny because when am I ever patient? 

I miss having friends who want to go out and do stuff. I can't tell you the last time I had a girls' night out. Oh, wait, those are called concerts. I miss concerts. Sonic Temple dropped their lineup the other day, and I am a very happy girl. I can't wait until I have my surgery cause my butt will be in the pit with the kiddos for some of my favorite bands. It's gonna be fun to do all the normal stuff without crutches or pain. For everyone wanting to know when surgery is, it's most likely going to be in January, but I'll find out for sure when I see the surgeon in a couple of weeks. I'm 99% sure I'm going to ask them to do the second one in March so both my pins are done, and I'm back to life 100% cause your girl has places to go and people to see. 

Mercury has indeed jumped into the microwave again, so let the insanity begin. I can't be the only person whose mind just loses the plot when it does that. Yesterday crystal clear, today murky, and tomorrow probably sleepy. Oh wait, I'm always sleepy. haha. Though I haven't slept well in months, so that's probably part of it. But I am not making any promises or any big decisions until it hops back out of the Gatorade, because no thanks, I already have enough trouble trying not to get myself into trouble as it is. This mouth of mine doesn't have a filter and likes to be a mess. 

Mental health-wise, I had three big meltdowns this week for unknown reasons. I was good, and then boom, crash out for no reason. Thankfully, the people involved were super dope and just brushed it off. Cause we all know sometimes my brain is just dumb. One of them was on Wednesday was the gnat, but I mean, that's reasonable because anyone would do the same. The other two, well, we'll just leave those to the imagination. Honestly, one I don't even remember why anymore, and the other one, well, let's just say it involved none of your business. haha. Kidding. It was just me being dumb, which we know I'm really good at doing. Boy, did I need a nap afterwards because this brain can run marathons with no warning. I wonder if that's just a common anxiety thing or if my brain just likes to eat itself. That's a good question for my psych doc, so I'mma write that down. He's going to have so much fun with me. Not. He's going to wonder if my brain ever does the easy thing. Cause same doc, same.

I put fairy lights up yesterday and forgot to take pain medicine, so today is going to be a whole lot of doing nothing. I mean, I did clean the house yesterday, so I think I might have earned a do-nothing nap day. But first caffeine, because this brain isn't going to power itself, apparently. 

Remember, no Sunday scaries; it's just Monday, and you'll kick its ass like you always do.

~Until next time, be good to yourself and each other.~

Saturday Shenanigans on a Sunday

I'm 98% sure it's Saturday until I realize it's Sunday, and now I'm just wondering where the weekend went. Granted, tomorrow is a holiday here in the US, so I think me keeping track of the days is probably a lost cause. Counting calories and my intermittent fasting is definitely a good cause, and it's working really well. I had two wow moments this week, and I'm still amazed at them. We get used to how we look in the mirror, and I think sometimes we become blind to what we really look like. At least I do. Throughout this whole weight-loss process, I kept looking in the mirror for confirmation that the weight loss was actually happening. I kept getting the same old reflection, and honestly, it was making me mad. The scale kept going down, but the mirror didn't shift. Only it did, and I just didn't notice until it was super obvious. 

I looked in the mirror a few days ago, and all I could say was, "Wow." Over and over and over again, in surprise. Then yesterday I was walking past the mirror and had to take a look. Sure enough, my butt is even smaller than it was, and my stomach is looking a lot smaller. For someone who has struggled with their weight their entire adult life, it's a pretty miraculous thing to look in the mirror and see yourself shrinking. I have always had some pretty significant self-esteem issues and have always been overly critical of myself. That hasn't changed much, though I have gotten really comfortable with my face and body the last couple of years. So I kind of feel like I'm giving myself little pats on the self-esteem train as this process unfolds. I made a promise to myself to get my new knee this year, and I'm going to make it happen. That way I can plop my skinny butt on a Florida beach next summer and hang out with my chosen parents. I mean, let's be real: I miss them and home a whole lot. It's way past time I spent some quality time with them and my kiddos. Though I see my kiddos regularly and talk to them even more. Michael came over and hung out today, which was a great surprise. He works 3rds, so it's not super often he has enough energy after work to chill. Though I do see him pretty often after work. He was one with my beanbag chair, which honestly just made me happy.

Christian and I were talking yesterday about my decorating style, or lack thereof. He described it as a Pinterest board because it has a theme: music, of course. But it's also a bunch of cool shit, and honestly, no compliment has ever felt greater. Or more accurate. I have a very definite sense of style and an aesthetic but zero Martha Stewart abilities. The first things I bought for my apartment were Jackson's stand, where his urn will be forever, and the artwork for my walls. This is the first time I've ever lived alone, and I got to decorate it exactly how I wanted. So of course there are fairy lights, a beanbag chair, my guitar, etc. It's just me, and honestly, I never thought about what it looked like to other people. But calling it a bunch of cool shit is a pretty solid compliment, and I thought it was hella cool.

I bought some clothes this week that are two sizes smaller than what I wore last spring, and that was also hella cool. My wardrobe needed a couple more alt pieces for concerts and girls' nights out. Not that I get to do a lot with my knee in its current situation. But the wardrobe needed some love, so I made sure it got it. I haven't done anything with my work wardrobe simply because I just wear dresses. At previous jobs, I always wore pants, which surprises people. I just got tired of trying to find pants that fit my ass and weren't too long. So I eventually gave in and just bought a crap ton of dresses. Then I figured out they are so much easier than finding pants. So dresses it is. The good part is you can lose as much weight as you want, and they still fit until you've lost tons of weight. My dresses definitely go down about 5 inches more than they used to at the hem now. So it probably won't be long until I'm buying more of those in a smaller size. It's a lot more exciting to go clothes shopping when you're buying a smaller size, that's for sure. 

Mental health-wise, it was a quiet week for the most part. I dunno what's in the air lately, but I fell asleep after work two days in a row, so much for not getting behind on my homework. Which reminds me, I need to log in and catch up on my classes. 'Cause I certainly didn't open my laptop this week; I was snoozing. Michael actually heard the knocking I hear today which is a relief. I guess that one is real because it's definitely not a mass hallucination. haha. Where it comes from is another guess cause I'm not entirely sure. He said probably the condenser on the freezer? I'm not sure, but it's good to know the Invega definitely has my space a little less crazy. Cause genuinely, I'm crazy enough; I don't need more help in that department.

I guess it means I need to do my homework and finish my chores. Unless one of you wants to do it for me while I take a nap. No? Fine. haha. Off I go with my terrible handwriting to take notes and learn lots of cool stuff. But ah, the dishes, they're going to wait because I really don't want to, and frankly, I make the rules, so I'm not gonna. Until tomorrow, anyway cause I can't escape that chore forever. Or can I? Just kidding. I'll definitely do them tomorrow because I gotta have a clean kitchen before my work week starts. Even if I am working from home for the next couple of weeks. Actually, that might be even more reason to finish the chores, because who wants to work and look at a mess? Not me. That would definitely feel like living in a depression pile, and we don't do those anymore.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

October Rules

I swear if I see one more angel number pop up, I'm going to become delulu enough to believe I can make all of my dreams come true. I don't know; I'm kind of there already if I'm being honest. My chosen Momma got me into conscious creation, and honestly it's pretty fascinating. So stay tuned for that exploration in the coming weeks. I've always believed in manifestation, and I know some of you think that's just nonsense. Which I'm totally fine with because, honestly, that's valid. I've come to realize there's always something I'm exploring as I make my way through life. I don't know if it's sheer curiosity or if I'm just nosy, but there's always something I'm newly into. 

Speaking of newly into, I did my first project for my new class, and that was also fascinating. Though I think the intellectual property section might just make my head explode. Who knew there were so many different ways content can be used and protected. Obviously, I had some idea because my blog is copyrighted and I own all of its content. But it was cool to see how things like streaming services use content. It also taught me I need to get way better at understanding analytics. Especially the music ones, because those will be kind of important. I'm going to work on my songwriting class here this evening. That one is also going to be fascinating and require me to take a bunch of notes. I'd forgotten how little I actually pen and paper write cause my handwriting is deplorable. Haha. It's pretty much just chicken scratch these days, so I might want to do more writing before I completely forget how to do so legibly. Okay, who am I kidding? My handwriting has always been chicken scratch. haha

The weather is finally getting kinda cold at night. So, of course, I had the bright idea of sleeping with one of my windows open, even though ragweed is my nemesis. I'd forgotten how loud the city is at night, so there is definitely a nap in my future cause sleepy. There are also dishes in my future because the kitchen apparently doesn't clean itself. I thought we'd be further ahead, technology-wise, and have self-cleaning stuff. Who dropped the ball on making that happen? I also gained another Tupperware lid this week. How is my dryer so hungry for socks? Sheesh. I don't know what else to feed it, though, so I guess I should just buy more socks? 

Mental health-wise, things are gouda. Nothing much is happening there, which makes me incredibly happy. Weight-wise, I'm shrinking rapidly and incredibly excited about it. I've come to realize I'm a volume eater, and I've found salads without diarrhea lettuce to make to fill me up. It's broccoli and cauliflower based so def pretty filling and delicious. Though I did make soup last weekend, and it was divine. So I guess I'm going to be rotating things like that to help keep me on track and out of the cookies. I don't know about you guys, but I struggle with binge eating these days. Way more than I used to, and part of that could be that the antipsychotics cause weight gain. It could also be that I'm a hungry hippo with little to no self-control when it comes to sweets. Either way, I've decided not to buy them and trust my luck without them. It's only been mildly successful, so I'm hoping this next week is much more successful. If anyone has any tips or tricks, I'm all ears because that one needs to be conquered. I'm just taking it one day at a time and adjusting as I go. Which is easier for me because when I make big plans, I'm more likely to get overwhelmed and just give up.

Otherwise, it's been a pretty typical week. I am going to do my first article (yeah, I procrastinated again) tomorrow so I can get that done. I'm unsure of why I procrastinate even when something is super easy. You'd think I'd just go, "Let's get this done," but instead I bury my head in the sand and think it'll do itself, which I really need to work on. I guess I do have a long list of things I need to do. Funny how we forget that until we write it down, and we're like, oh, had I made a list, I probably would have remembered. I guess it's a little like writing a list for the grocery store and leaving it on the counter. Then going to the grocery store without it and buying nothing you actually needed. I just order everything online because I'd just come home with snacks. Especially this time of year because I need pumpkin everything. I mean, technically I want it, but I also deeply need it, so there's that. I have, however, been a good egg and only bought candles aside from the aforementioned pumpkin roll from a couple of weeks ago. I need them to make mini ones for people who are on strict diets because if I buy a big one, I will eat it. Probably in one sitting; hence, I can't even buy it, which is all kinds of wrong.

I suppose I've ignored the dishes long enough. Wish me luck. haha. Make sure you make your list and get your chores done. Or if you're working, maybe write one for whenever you eventually have time off to do such things. Whatever you do, I hope you have an amazing week!

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Dreams Matter

 It's Saturday; football season is upon us, and the weather is cool enough to have the windows open. I don't know about you, but that kind of sounds like heaven. It kind of feels like it too. I had to put a hoodie on yesterday because it was chilly with the windows open. Yeah, I would rather put a hoodie on than close the windows. I'm making vegetable soup today because it feels like soup season, and because it's nutritious and fills me up, which is kind of essential to weight loss. But mostly just because I love veggie soup. I've now lost 32 pounds, and honestly I'm loving watching the scale drop more and more. I feel a lot better in my body even if my knee is still cranky.

Sometimes it feels like your dreams are so far away. Until you realize they aren't and that they're completely within your grasp. I've made quite a few changes to my life recently, slowly, of course. But they feel good, and it's crazy to me that things that once felt impossible suddenly feel very possible again. It's been a long road, as you guys well know. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now and how okay I feel in myself. For so long, I was struggling with mental illness. Fighting with my meds and resenting my needing them in the first place. But that's given way to acceptance and honestly appreciating the meds and my doctors. Because it all gave me my life back. No one wants to have a mental breakdown or be diagnosed with a couple of mental illnesses. But I'm past the part where it bothers me and just thankful that the meds let me live a normal, healthy life.

This Fall I'm just looking to being alive and soaking up all the things I love about Fall and Halloween. I have always loved Fall because of the changing leaves and their beautiful colors. But also how the air, when it's chilly, carries the smell of bonfires and burning leaves. I love the tranquility of Fall and the magic that Halloween carries. I love scare actors and haunted houses as long as I'm not in them. Haha. I've always been that way. I don't particularly enjoy being scared, but I do really enjoy the ambiance of the season. We need to go apple picking so I can make some homemade applesauce because duh, that's amazing. I doubt I'll carve any pumpkins cause I don't have a porch to put them on. So I'll just enjoy all the pumpkin spice candles I can get my hands on. My chosen parents have their Christmas tree up, and I'm knee-deep in all things pumpkin spice with my kiddos. And honestly, I love that because it means everything is normal and normal is great. 

I think it's due to some personal growth and making peace with things I couldn't control in life when I was younger. I have decided that Thanksgiving isn't the enemy, and I'm just too lazy to be bothered with all the food. I would love to say that I want to participate in the holiday tradition, but I think I'd rather take a nap. So while I don't dislike it anymore, I kinda doubt I'll be up to my elbows in food anytime soon. Especially because Big C makes dinner for the kiddos and they all enjoy it. But here's to personal growth and laying some demons to rest forever. 

I think with time and clarity I've decided that some people and situations just needed to go for me to learn to live life on my terms again. I can't change the past, but I can definitely change the future. I don't regret the removal of certain people from my life. In fact, it was a long time coming. So the future isn't about repeating the past or setting myself up for failure. It's about personal growth and planning the life I truly want to live. Part of dealing with suicidal issues and self-harm is realizing the things that hurt don't always deserve to hurt forever. Some people, places, and things need to stay gone for you to find harmony within yourself. You can forgive yourself but still know that you have to love some people from a great distance for your mental and emotional well-being. Not everything you lose or have to put boundaries against is a loss. Some of it is an unplanned blessing you waited a long time to fulfill.

Today I'm going to make soup, play my music loud enough to annoy my neighbors a bit. I might even take a nap because I've had too much caffeine and it makes me sleepy. I have the weirdest body, I swear. If I drink more water, I'll feel energized, but honestly I like naps, so I'll probably just take one for funsies. Whatever you are doing today, I hope you love it, and it makes you happy. If you're working, it's okay to think "bah, I'm working and I don't wanna." We can love what we do for a living with our entire beings and still want to disconnect and take a break. Getting up and being productive all the time can get old. So maybe do the adult thing and then do something fun as a reward. If no one has told you today, I'm proud of you, and I hope that life is exactly what you wanted it to be. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

It Gets Better

It's an undeniably sleepy Saturday in my world that consists of listening to people yell on the sidewalk below my apartment and cleaning up all the stuff I tossed everywhere this week. I can't be the only one who just sets stuff in places, intending to put it away, but the week passes, and I'm still looking at it. So today consists of scooping it all up and finally putting it in its home. But also schoolwork because my genius self decided to go back to school. I know, sometimes I don't know why I do the stuff I do. Haha. Kidding, I actually do know why I did it. Music has always been more important to me than life. Not an exaggeration; it's just my thing, and it makes life worth living. So anyway, I've decided to study the entertainment business as a whole. It also includes theatre and gaming, but neither of those is of much interest to me. So far it's pretty fun, though it requires so much reading. I literally fell asleep reading the other night. Which, no surprise there, once I get comfy, I'm done for anyway.

September is suicide prevention and awareness month. I've found myself being a little more candid with some of the people around me lately, and the responses are pretty amazing. Someone called me a legend for getting through what I've gone through. I don't know; sometimes things like that make being curled up on my bathroom floor sobbing a little less painful of a reminder. I've never really seen myself as a survivor or a victim. It's just me and my broken brain living life to the best of my ability and being happy. 

Everyone has demons; that's not exclusive to me. We all have pages and chapters we don't read out loud. But there's a huge dichotomy between who I actually am and who people think I am or used to be sometimes. I've never claimed to be perfect because I'm far from it, but I am always myself. I've come to understand that people who never saw me clearly as a person and/or really got to know my personality have assigned me a character that's not me. They don't recognize the free-spirited dreamer that I am and always have been. To them, that person doesn't exist, but that's mainly because they never actually sat down and listened to me speak. They listened from their opinion of me, but that opinion was actively formed without any participation from me. They don't recognize what's always existed because they never really tried. They think the person they see now is fake because they didn't know who I was all along, and honestly, that's perfectly okay. That's not a me problem. That's a completely outside-of-me problem because I know who I am and who I've always been regardless of how flawed I am. I'm the one that's had to build a new life on the rubble left behind from a life I burned to the ground. They don't know how long it took to look myself in the eyes in the mirror. They don't know the things that have haunted my life for practically forever. Those things don't exist in their world because they never asked. That's not on me, and it's important for us to remember that we can't control everyone or their perception of us.

I am the same person I've always been, and I'm honest to a fault. There's no pretense here. It's just me. Just me talking out loud, and for unknown reasons, people listen. I'm a dork. I say the wrong thing a little too often because my brain decides it needs to just do stuff for the hell of it. Then I'm just standing there wondering where my three brain cells went to hide. haha. But I think it's really important for everyone to understand that all we can be in life is who we authentically are. Especially us mental health beans who tend to weigh whether we are okay or not based on whether or not people try to understand us. It's hurtful when people dismiss the sheer strength it takes to be vulnerable with people knowing they can hurt us. Mental health has such a stigma, and people are usually only cool with dealing with it until they get tired of us talking about it. But the truth is, we don't get days off from dealing with it. We wake up and go to bed every night knowing that tomorrow is often more of the same. But a lot of times the people around us have already checked out and just think we should be better already. A lot of us, with or without medicine, will never just be better already. And it's important for us to understand that we can't weigh our worth based on whether or not someone has time for us.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have an amazing group of people, especially my family. They are always there whenever I struggle or need to vent. They don't pretend to have the answers, but they sit with me until I find my strength again. That's incredibly important. People don't commit suicide because it's the easy way out. They commit suicide because they can't figure out a reason to stay. They can't find their strength. They feel isolated and unsupported and, a lot of times, unloved. They feel like a burden because people unfortunately do forget that mental illness doesn't have a cure. And sometimes they can have the best village imaginable and still not be able to find a reason to stay. They don't do it to spite people or because it's easy. Giving up on life is never an easy decision. Trust me, I've been there many times in the last six years. I've spent many a time crashed out on the floor or in my bed trying to talk things out with someone and not having the words or ability to make it make sense to them. I always hear how lucky I am and how I should just be grateful to be loved by so many people. Pain doesn't recognize that. Pain is pain; it's smothering, heavy, and a lot of times feels completely inescapable. That's why we need people who will drop everything and just sit with us and keep us safe until we find our strength, no matter how long it takes. 

If you ever learn anything from me, let it be to love out loud. Tell everyone you love them. Hug everyone. Answer the phone or respond to texts no matter how boring they are. Everyone who has ever committed suicide has reached out to someone before they did it. Yet everyone always says I had no idea. Do you have no idea because you didn't listen? Maybe not. Maybe you aren't who they reached out to, and that's perfectly okay. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to stop something you genuinely knew nothing about. But trust someone did. There's someone they reached out to because they were drowning. Check on your people. Listen to them. Get to know them so that you recognize when the pattern changes. I've reached out to friends and gotten ignored. I've reached out to a lot of people and been dismissed. But I've always had my family through thick and thin, and that's always made a huge difference for me. Because no matter how helpless I feel at times, there's always a floor to lay on and someone to talk things through with. If someone doesn't have those people, maybe be their person. Or find that person through medical channels. It's that important. Don't let the sun set on someone who can be saved. Don't let someone leave because you didn't have time to lie on the floor with them until they find their voice again.

Mental illness doesn't take days off, nor does the insanity of life. Sometimes it just kicks the shit out of you, and then you're looking around like, what the hell was that? If you don't have a person, I'm here; I'll be your person. If I can't be that person, I will find you a person; I can guarantee you that. Never give up because tomorrow, no matter how elusive, will be better. Don't make a permanent decision caused by a temporary emotion. It takes a village; build your villages.

~Until next time, I love you, and be good to each other.~

Finally September

Well, hello September, you sexy beast. It's Labor Day, which means tomorrow marks the official start of all things pumpkin spice. I actually cheated and bought a pumpkin roll the other day because I absolutely could not resist. But I did wait to light the first pumpkin spice candle, so I'll do that tomorrow morning. My pumpkin-loving heart is so happy! Now if only the weather would get with the program, because what do you mean it's almost 90 degrees outside? I am so ready to put my summer black clothes away and get out my black Fall hoodies. So someone come get Mother Nature and put her to bed cause she's acting up again. I would say ground her, but then summer will never leave, and honestly, no thanks. I'm tired of sweating in places that have no business knowing how to sweat. It's been an uncomfy summer here in Ohio. haha

September is also Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, and in this house that's an important month. I normally do a whole blog on it, but you guys have had that talk a lot. So I'll just say, please check on your strong friends and listen to your people who struggle with mental illness or suicidal impulses. It takes a village, and if someone doesn't have their person, think about maybe being their person. Or helping to connect them with the right resources so they can find their person. In this family, no one suffers alone, and I know you all will do your best to help support and love your people who struggle. We've spent years destigmatizing mental illness in this corner of the world. Having a mental illness or struggling with suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you're broken. Needing medicine or psych help doesn't make you less of a person. In my opinion, having the strength to ask for help makes you an amazing person.

I heard someone quote the no white after Labor Day thing today and was so confused. I thought we discontinued that practice a long time ago. Also, why not white after Labor Day? What did white clothing do to you? I mean, I don't own any white clothing, so it doesn't actually affect me, but it seems like a silly practice. I say wear whatever makes your little heart happy. We don't clothes-shame in this house, even if the only thing I wear is black. No, that's a lie. My Converse are cute colors. So I guess I do own something not black. Though with this weight loss, I'mma just need a whole new wardrobe in the near future.

I thought about getting Botox recently and was informed that I have to have wrinkles to do that. So I guess I gotta get back to them when my face decides to crease in places? I swear I try to get old, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I mean, granted, I get it because, duh, great genetics, but still. I also thought about dying my hair cause other than purple, I've never really dyed my hair. Then I remembered my hair goes down to my waist and decided that it would have to wait a minute. But like, what color would I even dye it if I didn't do the dark purple? Midlife crisis? Nah, just general boredom, honestly. Maybe I just need some new piercings to shake things up a bit. I dunno, but it is also almost knee surgery time, so I might wanna chill on getting new holes for a minute, but I don't wanna. Typical me: stubborn and impatient. haha

Mental health-wise, things have been pretty chill. No new hallucinations to report unless I forgot about them already. I am going to start writing letters and articles for one site. I'll let you guys know when I start publishing them. I already know what the first one is going to be about, but have I written any of it? Nope, because procrastination is my superpower. haha. I was supposed to do a writing contest and got completely distracted by a really cute guy. I have another one to do, so someone remind me to write the damn thing before the 17th of September, please. I swear my memory is a permanent part-time employee, and I don't know when that happened. Maybe it's selective memory because I can still tell you when each concert is, to the day and start time. Either way, I need to remember to submit my letter for this contest. The award is pretty cool, and I'm kind of determined to win the next 5 of them just for fun.

Otherwise, life has been pretty chill. Everyone is happy, healthy, and just doing the adult stuff. Gotta love those times when you can just chill and relax without stressing about life. Concert season this year officially ends in November when my kid, my niece, and I go see Motionless In White, which is something we're all super excited about. And yes, I'm going even if I'm still on crutches because there are seats. I don't know, I really kind of love how much my kids have taken after me when it comes to music. How cool is it to be able to plan to do fun stuff with them, and it be such an easy thing. I just have to mention that I want to go, and suddenly I have a whole squad buying tickets and making plans. Had you told me when they were little kids that I'd spend more time with my adult kiddos than I do with anyone else..... I would have believed you. Cool how that works out. People always say you have to be a parent and not a friend. That's not true; you can be both, you just have to work hard at it. Who knows, maybe they'll hit the teen years at some point but it's looking unlikely so far. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Pedestals

It is a very sleepy Saturday here in the Ohio River Valley. I had yesterday off work, so of course it feels like Sunday. I also took a really good nap, and you know what that means. It means I have no idea what planet I'm on because I'm super groggy. There's something that I've kind of been chewing on for a couple of weeks. In the million years this blog has existed, we've addressed artist, fame, and fan behavior many times. I've seen and heard some stuff lately that made me realize we probably needed to revisit some of this for anyone new to my world. 

First thing being artists are just people with cool jobs. There's nothing innately better about them than there is you. That would be like me saying, because I'm a writer with a sizable following, that I'm a better writer than you and therefore more important. Neither of those things is true. Yes, I'm a published writer as well as a blog author, but I don't do anything better than you. Because I have a sizable following on here also doesn't make me more important than anyone else. So when someone who has achieved any level of fame tries to put themselves on a pedestal, it's not a good look. Artists put their pants on the same way as the able-bodied public. 

Yes, they have talent, but so do you. Who do you think gives them their jobs? You do. You're the one buying, streaming, and promoting the music. You're the one buying merch and concert tickets as well as filling the pits and seats. They wouldn't have shit without the legions of fans they are blessed to have. Without you, they have no public, no fans, and no one to hone their craft for. They are simply normal human beings who are fortunate enough to have people who love and support their craft. But there is nothing innately better about them than there is about you. 

The fans make them "famous," and that fame can disappear overnight. Most artists will always have their stans or super fans, but they make up a very small portion of an overall fanbase. Most people aren't going to fight for an artist's career if it involves any level of grandiosity or makes them feel indebted to said artist. They'll simply move on to a new artist they do feel appreciated by. People are going to go where they feel appreciated genuinely. They're far more open to the idea of paying good money for stuff when they feel like the artist truly cares that they exist. People don't part with hard-earned money to fill seats of ungrateful or self-centered artists. You can be as talented as you want to be or as attractive as you want, but if you're as deep as a puddle, you will lose your appeal. Fans are fickle, and they should be. If they're going to give someone a career, then they should be important.

That doesn't mean the fans control the artists either. Being humble and grateful to the fans for your livelihood doesn't look like fan control. It looks like genuine fan appreciation, and people can tell the difference. No one is better than anyone, and everyone is on the same playing field. There are always going to be bad apples and people who disregard boundaries or form unhealthy relationships with artists. That unfortunately is just part of fame and having a public presence. Does that make those people shitty fans? It can. But again, that's a very slim portion of an overall fanbase. The majority of the fanbase just wants to chill, promote their favorite artists, and rock out at shows. Yeah, rocking out happens even at country concerts; it's called losing your voice singing along. haha. 

It is genuinely a huge pet peeve of mine when people put themselves on pedestals and act like fans are lucky to have them. Because genuinely fuck those people. Also, can y'all stop falling victim to scam social media accounts? Blue checkmark fam. If there isn't a blue checkmark, it's a fake account. No one is going to ask you for money or to talk on a different platform, I promise. We gotta use our noggins and deductive logic. Cause genuinely at the end of the day, your artist doesn't want people taking advantage of you anymore than you want taken advantage of. I can hear you saying, "What about smaller artists?" That's fair. You should make sure you're following their official account. A quick Google search of the artist will bring up their official account at the top of the search, even for obscure bands.  

You should feel wanted and appreciated by your artist and feel a sense of belonging amongst their fan community. If you don't, then it's potentially a toxic fan community or artist. Just remember you are all equals and should be treated as such. I know the bigger the artists get, the harder it can be to do meet-and-greets and such. But the artists who truly love and appreciate their fans do generally still do meet-and-greets regardless of level of fame. Plus, in this age of social media, a ton of artists interact with fans on social media. I do think it's pretty toxic if they don't. Because it takes ten seconds to show appreciation or to repost something cool a fan did. If a fan went out of their way to create an amazing piece of art, you can at least say thank you. Just a simple thank you will make that person's day, potentially week, or even year. It doesn't take a lot of effort to be good to your fans. No, they can't be online all day, every day, but all it takes is five minutes of scrolling to hit a bunch of tweets, Instagram tags, or TikToks people posted. You're going to be on social media anyway, so why not give the fans some love and attention?

It doesn't take a lot of effort to be good to each other. Let's do more of that on both sides of the equation.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Mother Nature is Insane

 We've had a tornado, a derecho, whatever that is, and historic flooding in two weeks. If someone doesn't come get Mother Nature and talk some sense into her, we're going to need to build an ark. I swear it's rained the entire month of August, and while I'm not mad about it. I'd prefer not to watch friends and neighbors lose everything to flooding. My kids were good, though it was one stressful two weeks worrying about them. One of the big homeless camps near the city was practically destroyed. Thankfully everyone was okay, but peeps are now taking donations to at least help replace their gear. It has to be terrible to have next to nothing and then have absolutely nothing in the space of a few hours. So I'm definitely happy to see people rally around that vulnerable group of people. Today is bright and shiny so far, so we'll take the wins where we can get them. So we'll just keep our fingers crossed that it stays that way for a bit.

I saw something on social media yesterday that kind of perplexed me and was also exhausting. It was a post that someone made complaining that a cashier said the credit card machine was bipolar because it was picking and choosing when it wanted to work. The lady was big mad and ripped the cashier a new asshole because "bipolar isn't a laughing matter." While I appreciate where she was coming from, it is indeed a laughing matter. I can hear you all collectively going What?!?! I tell those jokes all the time, and I am, in fact, bipolar. My take and the reason I would have just laughed with the cashier instead of getting offended is this. If you can't laugh about your mental illness occasionally, are you okay? I joke about being crazy all the time. I am, in fact, the owner of several complex mental illnesses. So why shouldn't you be able to laugh about it? Dude, can you imagine what a drag it would be to constantly be so serious about something you have no control over? If I'm not laughing about it, I'm ready to cry about it because it's a tough thing to deal with. So my stance is, please joke about it with me because it makes me laugh and we all need laughter in our lives.

I'll give you a good example, and I'm amazed at how many people didn't think it was funny. Last Wednesday at work, we took some emotional quiz about something or another. All of the questions had situational answers. So me being me, I picked sometimes on all of them because ya know the answers change based on context. Friday morning I was talking to my boss about it, and mans looked me dead in my eyes and said this. "With you, it depends on what voice or personality is running the show that day." When I tell you I laughed, I mean I DIED laughing. Like real tears and everything. Cause he's so right. It depends on when I took my meds, did I take my meds, how many symptoms are bugging me, and the list goes on and on. I was proud of his quick wit and congratulated him on cracking an excellent joke. But people took it so seriously, and it baffled me. It's okay and expected for people to laugh when someone says or does something witty that I am laughing about. It's really not that serious fam; it's okay to joke around with me. I'll tell you if I'm struggling, and that day isn't the best day for it. But please, for the love of god don't spaz out and think you can't joke with me. I would rather you joke around with me than make me sit in the seriousness that is bipolar, schizophrenia, ptsd, and anxiety all the time. I already know how serious and heavy it is. Joking about it makes the load a little easier for me to carry.

Otherwise, besides the weather, life has been pretty great. I'm 100% ready for Fall and starting to count down to knee surgery in a couple of months. I can't wait to get my pin fixed so I can once again be walking all over hells half acre. I've lost 30 pounds so far, so that's super exciting. It's the most success I've had losing weight. Someone at work said, "You're gonna disappear at this point." I was like god I hope so. Haha. One of my besties is scoping the stores to see when peak Halloween decorations are out so we can go shopping. I saw a coffin that said RIP my patience, and I need that more than I need sleep. So that's definitely going in the cart. But I'm hoping to find some cool stuff to decorate my cube at work and my apartment. I haven't properly decorated for Halloween in this apartment yet. I mean, I sleep with a jack o lantern pillow, and there are Halloween squishmellows chilling on the bean bag chair all year long. So I'm always kinda decorated. But I want to do more this year, so shopping it is. Plus, spending time with one of your best friends is peak relaxation and fun. Friend time is always good for the soul.

I rubbed my nose the other day, and my nose ring got caught on my ring on my finger. I was like, oh okay, is this the new your pocket catching on the door handle situation? It's fine though cause it's a hoop and it just yeets itself, so no harm done, but it definitely caught me off guard. I love how life is random and oftentimes silly for no reason at all. 

It'll officially be the ber months here in a few days, and that is indeed going to become my entire personality. With that, I'm sure will begin the influx of I hate when the weather gets dark and colder. I get it; seasonal depression is a bitch, and my heart goes out to you. But remember, I didn't shit on your favorite season. So let me have my pumpkin spice and days where I never have to close the windows, please. I wait all year for pretty colors and air smelling a little like burning leaves. We can commiserate and complain about winter though because that's an entire drag. haha. I guess I should be productive, or take a nap, who knows. I mean, I did adult yesterday, so technically I can cat today, right? 🙃

~Until next time, stay safe, and be good to each other.~

Choices

I'm fairly sure it's Sunday, though this week did kind of get away from me. I feel like the more aware of time I try to become, the quicker it moves, and I just lose track of it anyway. So I just kinda guess and hope for the best most of the time. haha. Does anyone follow astrology? Apparently Facebook thinks I'm an expert and filled my feed with a bunch of Lion's Portal Stuff. I don't know much about astrology other than reading my horoscope once in a while. But something that caught my eye was it referencing 2014 as the last time yesterday's astrological configuration occurred. Then it was talking about how on the 12th the portal closes, with it taking with it the hard times we've had since 2020. Which 2020 sucked for pretty much everyone, and the fact that there is diarrhea lettuce amongst us, I would still be leery. haha. But it was the dates that gave me pause.

As I was reading the stuff, I was like, why does 2014 stand out to me? Once I thought about it, I was like, oh well, that's creepy. Creepy in a good way, if that's a thing. The longtime readers of this blog will start nodding sagely here in a second. In 2014, I graduated from college, got my first ever corporate job, and Big C moved out. Yep. It's also the year my friendship with Jeff ended, and an entire new chapter of life started for me. I still, looking back, can't believe I managed to work full time at night and go to school full time during the day. But I had to do something because my relationship with Big C was over after a decade together, and I had three kids to support. So I did the impossible thing and graduated from college and scored a pretty good gig. It was the beginning of the life I have now. It was actually in college that they discovered I was severely dyslexic, which is why learning medical coding was so difficult. But my professor was determined to make sure I graduated, and I did. So I was reading this stuff, thinking, " Huh, that's interesting."

When anything mentions 2020, I'm like, dude, it sucked for the entire world. But it also sucked a lot for me personally. My beloved grandma died at 98 years old, and I had my mental breakdown right around the same time. It's wild for me to think about how many times my life has crashed and burned only to be rebuilt again. Am I still the same person I was in 2020? Not on any level. But in a really good way, which is probably weird to think about. We can get so busy living life and trying to survive that we sacrifice ourselves to other people's expectations. That grind that feels necessary might just choke out little sprouts of inspiration or guidance to be your more authentic self. People often have good intentions for us but no actual idea of what our paths in life are supposed to look like.

In 2013/2014, I could have taken the path of least resistance and taken one of two paths. One stay in a relationship that was decaying my very soul. Or take the easy way out and just raise my kids extremely poor. But neither answer was one I was willing to accept. I was going to graduate from college and make our dreams come true one way or another. I swear I didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for over a year. But I don't regret doing what I had to do to give my kids a better shot at life and to give us all some peace. Looking at the growing pains from 2014 to now, they're very different from what I would have ever expected. The me that was in college, a full-time employee, and a full-time mom would have thought I was insane if I tried to explain how we would get here. But get here we did. It wasn't pretty; it was a lot ugly and a lot difficult, but we got here in the end.

Sometimes our paths in life aren't pretty or astrologically aesthetic. haha. But they are our lives, and all we can do is do our best with the circumstances we find ourselves in. Today we're all on really amazing paths in life, doing things we love and celebrating our healthy, happy relationships with each other. I had no idea it would take me falling apart for a new kind of respect to form between me, my kids, and all of the people I love around me. I can confirm that having a mental breakdown or major mania, some people call it, is terrifying. I'd like to never again do any of that again because no fucking thanks. I'll just take my meds and live a normal, healthy life, thanks very much. 

But like, what if there was something to this whole Lion's Portal thing? I can already hear some of you say there isn't. But what if there is? Hmmmm. That means that all the positive stuff they're talking about is ours. And you know what? After rebuilding my life twice in the last 12 years, I'll take as much good as the universe or a sale on Bath & Body Works candles will allow. Because I've earned some peace, some sunshine, and a whole lot of calm water ahead. There's nothing quite like looking hell in the face to make you sit and stare at rainbows and pretty sunsets a new way. 

Tomorrow I'll get up and log into a job I love, and tomorrow night I'll climb into a bed I love in an apartment I love and go to sleep. My kids are healthy, happy, amazing, and living their best lives. I'm healthy and happy doing the things that make my soul happy. Learning how to write music and songs, and spending time with my guitar are things that deeply bring me joy. Getting to celebrate the amazing friendships I've made with people all over the world is amazing. Being able to look myself in the face every day, knowing I'm happy and content for the first time since some very damaging storms, feels really rewarding.

This summer was definitely one for the memory books, and honestly I wouldn't trade it for anything. When the Lion's Portal closes on the 12th, I hope it takes all the bad and leaves all kinds of good. Some people find their spot to thrive early in life, and some of us have to fight extra hard for ours. Regardless, we all deserve the same peace, happiness, and ability to spread our wings and find our place to rest. It will be Fall soon, and summer will feel like a long time ago until festival season starts again. But this time I'm taking a little glimmer of summer through Fall with me. Because who said you can only have one happy place in life? We'll still be doing concerts until the end of November, and then it's time for them to replace my knee. It's been a crazy ride, but I'm really glad I'm still here to talk about it and to continue on.

Remember, even the darkest of days don't equal night. Morning comes eventually, and with it, the sunshine and the courage to keep going. Life gets better; it just takes time.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Augtober

It's doing I'm not even sure what outside, but it's Augtober, so who cares, really. I dug the Halloween decorations out of the closet last night, thinking I would decorate today. Instead, Jax and I sat and disassociated a chunk of the day away. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my beloved emotional support bestie's crossing of the rainbow bridge. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my tiny dude. They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't. Instead, this one decorates for Halloween early and just chills.

I'm known for two things on the internet. One is my intense and unwavering love of music, and the second thing is this blog. It's lived in many stages and in many different versions of my life as I've grown up. It's still, of course, uniquely me and my view on the world around me. But it's had a lot of lives, and honestly I love that for all of us. People come, and people go in life, but what a cool thing to be able to grow and change in front of people. It's also cool how many amazing friends I've made all over the world. Some of you are a gazillion times cooler than I'll ever be. Festival season taught me a lot this year. One, spending an entire weekend jamming out with a cool hundred thousand of your closest friends is practically spiritual. And two, it made me realize I'm really genuinely ready to get my tattoo on my right hand. Then it's on to creating the tattoo that will cover all the scars on my left arm.

I think I've mentioned the hand tattoo a few times. But for any newbies, I've struggled with self-harm and suicide issues my entire life. Never more so than the last six years. Though the last year has been pretty calm, so maybe just the five years before it. I've had scars on my arm since I was 14 years old, and it's not like I can hide them. At this point, they take up the entire top of my left arm. Like they might as well be a damn spotlight on my mental health issues. Several years ago, I got a tattoo on my left forearm that covers the majority of my wrist because I knew I wouldn't cut my tattoo. About a year ago, the idea hit me that when I was ready, I should get a semicolon and music notes on my hand to signify my decision to live this life. That wasn't an easy decision to make, and honestly, I really did need to sit with it for a while. Because not only do I really want the timing to be right, but also I want to fit the person I am becoming.

Now it's time. Now I feel like I can walk into the studio and create something that will last the rest of my life that I'm going to be really proud of. Its purpose for being on the top of my right hand is much like the placement of the tattoo on my left arm. It's the first thing I'll see when I go to pick something up. It will be my reminder to breathe and pause to think through what is happening in my head. That might sound so simple to some people, but it's not so simple for everyone. Some people, like me, have to work at wanting to live every day. We don't wake up and think, " Yay, life." Some of us wake up and think, well, I guess we're doing this today. I wake up tired and groggy from my night meds and really don't want to human. I think a lot of us wake up and think, man, I did the thing yesterday; why do I have to do it again today? Haha. But that's the life that millions of people with mental illnesses struggle with every day. It's not unique to me. But what is unique to me is my thoughts and feelings about life. I need the reminder. I need the take a breath before you lose your shit reminder. 

So I'll have it in the form of a really dope hand tattoo I'll see every day. Will I cover my scars this year? I dunno. Just like the hand tattoo it has to be something significant to me and my journey. So who knows when that inspiration will strike, but it eventually will, I'm sure. 

So in a lot of ways, the second half of 2026 is going to be a period of intense personal growth on a few fronts. Musically, I'm still a dork and insanely in love with it in all forms. But I am taking some classes to learn things like sound engineering and...... songwriting. Don't scream so loud you'll scare someone. I figure it's past time that I learn how to do some of the things that give wings to my soul, and music is that thing.  I should have done it a long time ago, but life has a way of carving paths when it's ready. I don't think I would have used the gift at 20 or even 25 because it wasn't something I felt confident in. But after writing this blog and a gazillion other things for years and years, I figured now was time. I mean, I'm not getting any younger, though I've been informed I'm still not old. That's a bummer; I want to yell at kids and tell them to stay off my lawn. I'm probably never going to want the music turned down cause lets be real, I'm me. So maybe the lawn thing is coming down the pipeline eventually, once I casually obtain a lawn. That might take a while because I do not miss cutting acres of grass. It's like I don't miss shoveling a driveway that was longer than my life. So that's a solid no thanks for me. Maybe I'll just claim some sidewalk to yell at people about. Haha. Just kidding. 

So the rest of 2026 is going to be a fun adventure, and honestly I'm here for it. I'm thankful my boss couldn't care less where I get a tattoo as long as it's not on my face. And well, that's never happening because I like my face as it is. Well, except for these damn hooded eyes that like to fight for their lives against my winged eyeliner. One day I'll master that one, but today isn't going to be that day because it's Saturday and I'm lazy. Okay, more just wholly unmotivated to do anything with my face. I had a new olfactory hallucination happen last night, and I'm still a little pissed about it. If smelling soap at a ridiculous concentration isn't enough, this one is lotion. Like, brain, please pick a struggle and not all of them. Last week was visual hallucinations and a little bit of delusion. So not a good time. Then my brain says here smell lotion. I was completely done with my brain when I went to bed last night. Thankfully, so far it's behaved itself today.

So yea, if you wondered if I'm still crazy, I definitely am. But at least I'm fun crazy. I could be dangerous crazy, and that would be a nightmare for all of us. I'll stick to just being a danger to myself, thank you very much. I'm kidding; I'm a danger to only dust because it makes me sneeze. Hello, summer allergies, you rude pains in the butt. 

~Until next time, do something fun, make yourself promises that you'll keep, and as always, be good to each other.~

Back to The Beginning

It's the 4th of July, and it currently feels like we're stuck in an oven that has no off switch. I know summer is hot, but this is a little excessive, so I'mma need Mother Nature to take her meds right quick before we all cook. Cause I'm not sure what she is cooking, but I promise you it's done. haha. It's my birthday month and, you know what that means. The countdown to everything pumpkin spice starts tomorrow, and Halloween starts on August 1st. Okay, it doesn't officially start then, but August 1st is the anniversary of Jackson's passing, and frankly, decorating for Halloween is a lot more fun than crying. I can't believe my tiny emotional support bestie has been gone for three years this year. What I would give to go back in time and sniff his little mane again. Nothing smelled better than him.

It's been six years since I had my mental breakdown, and so much of my life has drastically shifted. There are still parts of me that I am rediscovering, and honestly, it's a little sobering at times. Recently, I decided to talk to the singer in a band I really love because I want to pick his brain. Creatively, of course. I was talking to Michael about it yesterday, and he kind of floored me. He reminded me that two very specific things are part of the founding core memories he has of me. My time, interest, and investment in the music industry, and my writing abilities. 

I am Bachfan20, and I have been for almost two decades now. I've made a lot of friends over the years, all over the world, and this blog is 18 years old this summer. I'm deeply grateful that my love of music has opened so many doors. I'm just as grateful that my writing abilities have and continue to touch so many people around the world. But those are two founding things I'd forgotten about myself. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she assumed I was trying to date said singer. I was baffled why she would think I'd only want to pick someone's brain to date them. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have no interest or desire to date this person. I simply want to learn about the anatomy of their creativity. Which isn't a new thing for me. I've sat and picked many an artist's brain to learn how they create because I find it fascinating. It's something I've done a million times in the past.

I've never been the person who meets people just because I want to date them. Let's be real, I'm single by choice, it's not for lack of dating opportunities. Music is and has always been one of the most important parts of life for me. My kids grew up with music constantly playing in the house, and music still plays constantly around me. My blog has always been an extension of who I am and my unique perspective of the world around me. When I went no contact with my adopted family a couple of years ago, pretty much everything about my life and self came under fire. Due to relentless stalking, I withdrew from the public eye for peace of mind. I was still deeply recovering from my mental breakdown, and the stress was too much for me. The majority of the content of this blog was dissected and used against me. The one fact that seemed to not compute with people is how close I am to my kids. No one on earth knows me better than my kids do. And sometimes, apparently, it takes my kids reminding me of who I am for pieces to fall back into place.

Today I look at parts of me with a brand new perspective. I realize it's okay to be me and that I need to continue to be true to myself. My reasons for going no contact with my adopted family are private for obvious reasons. I'm a pretty private person when it comes to my personal life. Not everyone gets both sides of me. There are people I've met through work in the regular world who have never met the side of me that picks the brains of creative people. Who doesn't get to know my social media screen name or see the music promotion stuff I've done. They don't know how many artists' music I've charted or written things for. Not everyone I know is welcome in both worlds. That's always been a very intentional decision on my part. My kids' identities are private, where I live is private, and what I do for a living and where is also private. It's always been that way. But that doesn't stop me from sharing the other parts of myself with the world.

It doesn't stop me from meeting really cool people, going to amazing concerts, or writing whatever I want. It doesn't stop my kids and me from making amazing memories together or being incredibly proud of each other. My kids are the best people I've ever met, and I'm grateful to be their Mom. That's always been true and always will be. So thank you, Michael, for reminding your Mom that it's okay to be me, and for always being so proud of me. 

Sometimes it just takes being reminded of who you are. So you can get back to the little things that make your heart happy. I'm looking forward to fun family time at Inkcarceration in a couple of weeks. It'll be Tori's first festival, and of course, Michael and my niece will also be in the pit jamming out. To quote Michael yesterday, he won't mind if I tell you what he said. He said that I'm the only Mom he knows who goes to rock festivals with their kids. He said normally people's parents say they're going for certain people. But Michael said when he hears I'm coming, he thinks "Fuck yeah, my Mom is going. She knows this shit better than anyone." Which honestly warmed my heart because how many 23-year-olds want to hang out with their Moms like that? I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm the luckiest Mom on the planet. How uniquely amazing it is to have kids who love and admire you so much. I never would have imagined that Michael loves bragging about me to his friends. Like, how cool is that? It blows my mind. In my mind, I'm just someone's cringy Mom. They're my best friends and the people I love and admire the most. If you're there, come say hi. Remember, no pics of the kiddos, but definitely come say hi, we would love to meet you.

Okay, I need more caffeine. Always be yourself because no one does it better. Thanks for being my ride-or-die and always being here. You're pretty freaking amazing.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Saturday Rambles

I'm pretty sure it's Saturday, but my work week was only three days in person, so it feels more like Friday. Regardless, caffeine is needed to adult, and I'm drinking it as fast as I can. They always said there would be a time when my kids would kind of outgrow me, so to speak. Yeah right. They never hit the teenage phase to begin with. Michael fell in love with one of my favorite bands, and we spent an hour this morning nerding out about it. He got to be in the pit for them at Sonic Temple and fell headfirst into love with them. So it's been a blast going through their discography with him.

I learned recently that not everyone feels music. Some people just listen to it, and frankly, that blew my mind. Like some people don't get goosebumps or get that zing when a note hits just right. It's a gift from my biological parents because it's apparently genetic, and all three of my kids do the same thing. I can't imagine living in a world where I couldn't process emotion through music. It's been one of my biggest coping mechanisms since I was tiny. Thankfully, everyone around me has always indulged me in my wickedly intense love of music. Because I can't imagine being robbed of the ability to fall in love with song after song. But that does explain why other people are so passionate about other things in life. Maybe they have that attachment to their hobbies or whatever. That's kind of cool to think about. Now, the people who feel no strong attachment to things just baffle me. I have learned that those also exist, and frankly, you terrify me. Give me the passionate weirdo who nerds out about stuff they love any day over someone who is just blank. I don't think I know how to relate to people who are just meh about everything. 

I feel all the emotions all the time, and it's not just my bipolar. haha. It's in general. Like this morning, Michael was telling me about a polite spider, and I was like, yes, that's my kid. I talk to everything, alive or not. I will carry on a conversation with a neat spider chilling near me. I talk to the birds that stop and visit my window every day. I talk to inanimate objects as well. Why? I dunno, I just always have. To me, everyone and everything has a personality and a purpose. I guess it's that whole "energy cannot be created or destroyed, it just exists" thing. But I am a very big believer in soul families instead of blood families. Part of it is because I've collected my family as I've gone through life instead of having blood ties to anyone. (Except my kids because they're obviously blood-related to me.) I guess that's probably a thing for adopted kids. But it's a thing, and I've been so fortunate to meet a lot of the people who were meant to be mine as the years have gone by. It's pretty cool to meet those people and just click with them. It's how I've met the majority of the people who I'm still incredibly close to. A lot of you know I have chosen parents. We're very similar in personality and in lifestyle beliefs, even though they're a couple of decades older than me. I met them in a really unique way that we cherish to this day. So that has always been a really cool part of life for me that I have always been thankful for. And if that's a trait from my biological parents, then hats off to them. I would, however, like them to take the bipolar back because that's just rude. Haha.

Though I have to admit, on the mental health front, things have been chill. My new psych doc is incredibly good at educating me on the chemistry part of meds and how they affect mental illness. So that's been really cool to learn about. But everything has been good. I'm a very happy and healthy bean and pretty grateful for it. Though I really can't remember when my next psych appointment is, I might want to remember to call them. I'll forget at least five more times before I remember to do that. I dunno why that's just how my squirrel brain works. 

Our floor at work got renovated, and it's a little unnerving because why are the desks so short? I think they think that elves work there. I'm on the short side, so they fit me fine, but I feel bad for the tall people. It all looks like perfect soldiers lined up, which was probably their intention. But I kinda miss the individuality of the office, where it had lots of character. Though I did get my own office of sorts, so I really can't complain. My boss did me a big solid on that front. So there will be no complaining on my end because my little corner of the world is super cozy even if it is teaming with work. I guess that's job security because my workload never slows down.

Next month is my birthday month, so it's practically time for Halloween. I'm kidding, or am I? Haha. We decorate for Halloween on August first because that's the anniversary of Jackson's passing. I can't believe it's been almost three years since I lost my tiny best friend, but time does indeed keep moving. I thought about the possibility of getting another bun, but Jax was so unique and so much like a dog that I just don't think I'll ever find another like him. It would break my heart to have a bun that didn't constantly want to snuggle like Jax did. So I've tabled the idea of getting another furbaby. Maybe one day, but definitely not today. Instead, I'll be happy to be grandma to Luna and Pepper, who are Michael's babies. Well, and a parent to Yuki, who is happily now bonded to Michael's kitties. I worried that she wouldn't bond well because she was so close to Jackson. But my baby girl is a herd kitty who loves life more as a bonded girl. So she's happy and thriving, which is all we want for her. 

My adderall has kicked in, so I guess I should focus on being productive. I mean or I could just read a book and the odds of that happening are pretty good. 

Whatever you do I hope happiness finds you and life is exactly what you need it to be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Under Construction, kind of.

 To say it's been a while is a massive understatement because it's been like 6 months. Time flew by way faster than I thought it was capable of. Festival season is upon us, and the most stressful two months at work have come to a close. Today is Easter, and it's time for the odd pondering of why an Easter bunny hides eggs. Why eggs? Buns don't lay eggs, and last time I checked, they don't hang out with chickens either. But chocolate eggs are delicious, so we'll just be glad they're a thing. Though I will die on the hill that Reese's Pumpkins are superior to the egg-shaped ones. Though if I'm honest, I've eaten a few too many of those delicious chocolate-covered eggs this week. It's pretty much the only way this vegetarian eats eggs.

To say life has been busy is an understatement. I, at one point, told my boss the higher ups deadlines were, in fact, diabolical. He laughed and agreed. They believe in me way more than I really want them to. So I'm hoping they decide to leave me to my cubicle and fairy lights for a while before asking any more massive favors. Life has been good, though minus a shitty breakup. One of these days, I need to ask my psych doc to analyze my brain. Well, more than they already do. Cause I had to look back and wonder if I was drunk the entire relationship. haha. I don't even drink, so ya know it's slightly hilarious. I really shouldn't complain since I'm the one who broke up with the poor narcissistic sod. I am, as always, being slightly dramatic simply because I can. 

Mental health-wise, it's been a breeze minus a manic cycle. The doc asked me what hallucinations I was having lately, and I had to tell him the freaking gnat is back. He was like, That's so unfortunate, because what if it gets in your food. I laughed and told him I've lost many a pancake the last couple of weeks. Why it likes the pancakes, I dunno, but I'm back to bagels again. I'm not gonna complain, at least it's not the water dripping one or the toilet flushing. I'm too old to have water doing anything because I swear my bladder is the size of a pea. I now go, well, I should probably pee while I'm here way too many times a week.

The other day, I was scrolling social media, and I came across a video of a lady talking about how bad things had happened to her. The guy asked her when it happened, wondering if it was recent. She told him it had been three years. He looked at her and said, " That's not a lot of time." Her face must have been confused because he clarified that it's a lot of time, but it's also really not much time. That really makes sense to me. It's been almost 6 years since I had my mental breakdown, and the doctors told me in the beginning that the recovery would take years and years, and it has. It'll take a couple more before we get where we wanna go.

But healing isn't linear, and overcoming things, growing from experiences, and paving new pathways aren't quick. It takes time to do all of those and so much more in life. Sometimes I get really frustrated with myself, and other times I amaze myself. Today I amazed myself. I was walking out of my apartment to grab my groceries and couldn't help but smile. To think I've called this place home for a couple of years now. It's one of those seemingly unimportant milestones I dreamt about three years ago. It seemed like stability was not going to remain a part of my life at all. But it did. Every day I got up and did my best. Somehow, I never got fired or kicked out of my apartment. I've hit big milestones that felt truly impossible three years ago. 

I've gotten better at not self-harming when I'm overwhelmed, hit a down spell, or feel so stressed out. My fallback isn't I'mma just kill myself real quick, and instead it's I'mma go scream for a while. Because screaming, into a pillow or not, is very therapeutic. I mean, it is. If you've never done it, go try. Like that or listen to the gnarliest metal and headbang the frustration out. That would work, I suppose. I'd just give myself a headache, so throw me a pillow and I'm gouda. 

But the sentiment remains. It's a couple of weeks shy of the sixth anniversary of my walking into a therapist's office and saying either fix me or I'm killing myself. Granted, fixing me isn't really doable. I would learn later. It became a let's get you out of misery and danger for a while. Then it became an okay, let's really look at your brain, and your trauma. Now I know the trauma I have is best left where it lives for eternity, undisturbed by my healing. Now it's, hey, guess what, you can grow new neural pathways around the heavy shit, and that's going to have to be enough. I mean, part of me will always be sad that there is no pre-space to go to. But life is life, and it's messy and sometimes really unfair. But the messiness sometimes leads to cool growth and development. Now we know I have not one but several major mental illnesses. We started with one med and are now comfortably at nine of them. 

No one enjoys having hard stuff to learn to live with. Life's disappointments sometimes seem so vast and unyielding, and sometimes they are. But sometimes they're the tiny building blocks you eventually build an entire life on. So don't sleep on the small achievements because they eventually become big achievements, and those are pretty cool. To think that had I given up three years ago, three years after a huge mental health emergency. I wouldn't be here, listening to traffic and enjoying the cool breeze that's coming in from the open window next to me. It's going to rain soon, and that's going to be amazing. One, because I love rain, but also I live in the city, and it's kinda needed. So just remember the next time you get frustrated with your past, it's not a lot of time in many ways, even though it seems like so much time has passed. Dreams are built brick by brick, and so are healthy lives and shiny new neural pathways. 

Now go be the best badass you can be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~