Living Life Out Loud

 I saw a post today where a lady said more women needed to “Live life out loud” so other women could learn from it. It made me chuckle because my header on all my social media for almost 20 years has been a picture of a flaming guitar with the words Live life out loud on it. As a lot of you know, one of the things I am most respected and admired for online is my blog. It’s always been me living my life in real time honestly. We as human beings live our lives in real-time, influenced and affected by the things around us. My social media presence has introduced me to some of the closest people in my life. We don’t all think or feel things the same nor should we have to.

I’ve gotten criticism from people about being so open or having a public platform where I talk about my life. People are entitled to their opinions and beliefs. But just because other people don’t have the courage or understand doesn’t mean I need to explain or adopt their beliefs. Then there is of course the I wouldn’t care if you weren’t talking about me people. I can guarantee those people are literally the last people on my mind. I really don’t care enough about a lot of things in life to even waste brain power on it.

Liivng life out loud to me means being transparent about struggles and successes. One of the big things the last couple of years has been my mental health. It’s insane to me, no pun intended, that I am on the third recreation of my life and I’m only 46 years old. God I hope this is the last one though because this girl is tired. Haha. But the entire point of the mental health conversation is……. You guessed it. So that the people around me don’t feel so alone in their own struggles. We have a community here and that community has always been really special and important. Your mental health, courage, determination, and successes in life should be celebrated. I know a lot of you don’t have your own cheering squad but you have me. And I’m so incredibly proud of every single one of you who get up every day tired from the day before and still kick ass regardless.

By the way, my sincere apologies for not responding to DMs lately. I know I’ve kinda been mia and those bad boys are now numerous. I’mma get to them this week, I promise.

My life hasn’t been a cakewalk, and I’ve made bad decisions. I own them. I hold myself accountable for them and I’ve always been honest about them. I’ve not always been able to look myself in the eye in the mirror. I have my regrets and things I need to make peace with. We all do. If you don’t, how’s that lying to yourself going?

But my life has also been really dope and full of super cool stuff. Through my blog and online presence, I’ve made some of my best friends. I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever met on here. My kids and I have all grown up in front of you. I’ve made memories I’d never want to forget. I’ve had interactions with so many artists that I would never have had if I hadn’t been here. I’ve made a million good and bad memories on the grand stage of public writing. What we have created together lasts forever both in our lives and on here. They always say the internet is forever and it really is. Haha. I’ve been able to open a window into who I am instead of just being who people think I am or who I should be. What other people expect isn’t really a reflection of who any of us are. So much of that has had a big impact on who I grew up to be.

Without the ability to live my life out loud in real time, my life would look very different. I’m glad it doesn’t look different. I’m grateful that I’ve had the space and the friends I have to be myself. For a troubled kid to grow up to be who I am is a pretty cool journey. I had lived my entire life being the round peg trying to go into a square hole. I never fit in. I never felt like I fit in and I still don’t fit into certain aspects of life. I didn’t feel understood or relatable. I felt broken and unwanted, and like I would never measure up. Until I stopped judging myself by other people's expectations. Until I realized that you aren’t going to always resonate with people who aren’t your tribe. I also learned that it’s okay to not always resonate with people.

No one knows what adoption feels like unless they're adopted. I know that offends some people but it’s true. Not everyone feels adoption the same way. Some people feel happy, feel like they belong where they are, and love being adopted. I’m not one of them. I’ve never been one of them. Being adopted has been more of a curse than a blessing for me. Some people say that’s ungrateful. It’s not. How would it be ungrateful to dislike changes people made to your life without your permission? What I find baffling about that whole thing is how people assume not liking being adopted means you hate your adopted family. That’s also wildly untrue. I love my siblings, aunts and uncles. I adored my grandparents. I still to this day call them my hero and my angel because that’s what they’ve always been to me. They were as I’ve said a million times the best part of being adopted.

All of this would have festered in me had I not had this really cool outlet. Had I not had this blog or met the people I met I never would have felt any differently. Now I have a place in the world where I feel accepted, happy, and able to just be my dorky self.

Living your life out loud is literally a blessing. It’s such a uniquely cool experience that I hope everyone gets to experience in life. So don’t be afraid to be you. You never know who is going to admire you for it.

Love you guys.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Sunday Rambles

I'm equally surprised that it's Sunday and also a little baffled at how it got here so quickly. It is a beautiful day here, but I could really go for a gray, cold, windy, and rainy day. My apartment is indeed peak cozy and those are perfect chill days. Only then I guess I would have to make chili instead of the giant salad that I'm going to make today. So, I would also have to buy a crock pot and honestly, I haven't thought that far ahead. To be fair Fall salads are elite so I'm definitely not complaining. 

At work this week we were talking about plans for 2025. I'm fairly certain that 2024 just started like 5 minutes ago, right? But also, why talk about plans for the new year so soon? I will forget every single thing we decided on by Christmas. I've never been a good planner unless it's vacation and then I still forget important things like hair brushes. In my defense though..... Okay I have no defense, I just quite literally forgot that I required a hairbrush. Is it a sign of age that the older you get the more your brain peace’s out on important details? Cause my brain heavy dropped the ball on that one. 

I almost envy those people who wake up on Saturday morning and decide that they have a million things that they have to get done and then actually do them. I wonder what it must be like to have your life that together. I can only assume they are also the people who plan their outfits for the entire week in advance. Instead of zombie walking to their closet and digging through it like a raccoon trying to find something that semi-resembles something you should wear to work. I'm 99.9% sure that every single one of you already knows which one of those I am. This is why I hang up all of my clothes cuz otherwise I would never have anything to wear.

My boss decided that it was okay for him to joke about mental health this week and I'm here for it. No one makes fun of themselves better than people who are mentally ill. I don't know about you, but I wholeheartedly approve of well-delivered jokes. Especially on spicy brain weeks when the brain is just not braining. You have no idea how much I would like to take my brain out and give it a stern talking to sometimes. I had a great psych appointment followed by my first big down in a month or so which was peak uncomfy. Like how rude of my brain for us to get a perfect score on our psych exam and then it decided to just throw up and be stupid. Then I realized that there is not just one voice in my head but there's two other voices in my head and they like to talk to each other about me. So apparently my brain just likes to bully me, and this is what we're doing now. My sense of humor is just dark and twisted enough that I'm actually amused by it. I mean lets be real I'm an ugly crier so we gotta laugh about it. 

Have you ever thought you'd outgrown something only to realize you didn't when that feeling comes creeping back in? It's just so rude. It's kind of like your brain picking the 16 cringiest memories for you to ponder when you're trying to get to sleep. Like, thanks, brain. I already knew that was a thing, but why is it a thing right this very minute??? Brains don't care. They just throw out any old thing, so we're all out here just raw dogging life for funsies. The same seems to happen with emotions. I'll grow a bunch as a person and suddenly my brain is like and for our next trick, insecurity! You can tell your brain to kick rocks, but it doesn't. It just sits there in your head mocking you because it can. I want to tell it to pick a struggle but it's my brain. She's dramatic and frankly doesn't need to be encouraged to pick all the struggles. So, we'll just feed her more pumpkin spice, everything, and hope she cooperates. Because the audacity of this brain knows no bounds. 

So in case your brain is also a meanie. You're loved, you're wanted, and yes, your ass absolutely looks dynamite in those jeans. ☺

You're badass. Go do badass things and take over the world.

Adulting is meh

Three weeks and two hurricanes later I’m a lot tired and even more grateful that the fam is good. My heart goes out to everyone south of Milton because those storm surges are not fun. We had something similar happen on the barrier islands from Helene. It’s October, can Mother Nature calm down so we can enjoy spooky season without it turning into a real-life jump scare? Anyway, back here in Ohio it seems that hell’s front porch has finally gone back to wherever it belongs. I even had to break out my leather jacket! I was so happy. I love the Fall weather so much. Plus, it means we might be nearing our first frost of the season and then ragweed can also go to hell. 

I need October to restart because it’s going way to fast, and I really love October. So, if any month deserves a restart, it’s this one. I may be a bit biased on that one but still. My boss the other day was talking about Thanksgiving and I lowkey wanted to take his temperature. Like I get liking Thanksgiving, tho I hate it, but it’s literally October. Why do you want to be hungry for an entire month? You know how you see a train wreck happening but can’t look away or stop it? Literally me with my M&Ms a second ago. Thankfully they only rolled into me vs the wild blue yonder that is the floor of my apartment.

The spicy brain is slightly less spicy and enjoys the higher dose of antipsychotic. But I did see a horse walking down the road the other day in complete bafflement. When did horses just start magically appearing in the middle of the city? I personally found that hallucination hilarious because it was a pretty horse even if it wasn’t real. Though I will be writing a strongly worded complaint to the person who just stands and looks at me in my office at work. I mean I could just put a skellie there, but my boss would have a heart attack and die, and I don’t look good in stripes. So, I might have to figure out how to cope with that one unless it disappears soon.

In the chronicles of I’m old as shit and unprepared. I hurt my knee yesterday literally walking. How does one hurt themselves by strictly existing? I think at some point our bodies decide to play a game of can I. Mine has decided if I am determined to exist and be mobile it has to hurt. So not only do I have work, home, and backpack anxiety meds I also have ibuprofen everywhere. I kinda wonder if I’mma have a stomach by the time I’m actually old. Like I’m cool if I don’t but it would be painful without one. But yolo I suppose.

There’s a saying, “Be a good person but don’t waste time proving it.” I am perfectly okay being the villain in people’s stories. What I’m not okay with is people being class-A douchebags when they’re supposed to be my friends. There’s another saying that goes like this, “what you know to be true about yourself is your business. What other people think of or say about you isn’t your business.” I don’t really care what people think of me and never really have. I’m not wasting my time worrying about or trying to change what other people think or feel. Want to think I’m a terrible person? Cheers. Enjoy yourself. Everyone is the villain in someone’s story after all.

We don’t get a do over in life or a pause button. I could definitely use a pause button I’m not gonna lie. Because sometimes naps in certain places would be hella helpful. Haha. Like ohhhh that was stressful, hit pause, and wake up refreshed and ready to go. Who am I kidding I don’t know what waking up refreshed even feels like. I’m always more on the troll side of waking up. But at the end of the day this is my story and I’m the one who dictates when, how, why, or if it’s told. No one else holds the pen in my life story but me and that’s how it should be for all of us. And sometimes doing that requires good friends to become people you used to know.

I’m just over here trying to live a life I love on my own terms. Because not everyone can forgive and forget. Not everyone or every situation deserves forgiveness. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I don’t owe anyone anything, but I owe myself everything. I was born with a deck stacked against me. There’s a lot that being adopted stole from me that I can’t get back. There’s a lot struggling with serious mental illness has stolen from me as well. Had I known my parents and my birth family we might have known to check for certain things. I probably wouldn’t have struggled in many of the ways I have in life. I probably would have been a better person and found my place in the world as a normal kid.

When you grow up in a place that isn’t yours with people who aren’t yours it’s traumatizing. It’s really weird to me to be told someone was close to me when they don’t actually know anything about me as a person. Knowing me in the physical sense doesn’t equal me being close to someone. You can know people for decades and still not actually know them. If we’re close, ask me what I know about you. The answer is going to be extremely general because I don’t actually know you as a person. What are my values, beliefs, weird things that amuse me, or how I cope with things. If you can’t answer those extremely basic questions, then you know nothing about me as a person. Those things are a fundamental part of who I am as a person.

There are pumpkin spice cookies with my name on them that demand to be eaten. But I suppose I should also eat a salad. Adulthood is dumb. Haha.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~