Caffeine and Craziness

It's almost November, and I haven't had nearly enough October. We should start a petition to make spooky season last about three months, like Christmas. Before you scoff, the stores have Christmas stuff next to the Halloween stuff already. I get being prepared, but who shops that early? Let me guess, you? If you can prepare for Christmas this early, I want to be you when I grow up. I stress myself all out, forgetting to shop and whatnot before it's like Christmas Eve. But back to October, where did it go? The leaves are barely changing, and I feel cheated. I was so excited for one of my favorite bands to be here for Fall, and you know what they were greeted with? Green trees and warm weather. That's so rude. Plus, November is when it gets cold, and no thanks, I'm good there. It's bad enough the office is already cold enough to freeze food. I swear either a man or a menopausal woman controls the thermostat cause the rest of us are popsicles. 

Also, I think I missed the perimenopause thing. I hear people my age talking about it, and I don't think I've met her yet. Thank you, psych meds. haha. Hopefully I skip that part of being an adult because no thanks. It sounds like a very uncomfortable nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, that damn gnat hallucination is going to be the reason I lose my mind. Twice this week at work, it decided to drive me up the freaking wall. Five hours. It dive-bombed my mouth for 5 hours on Friday. I was ready to start throwing stuff at myself. I mean, if I have to have schizophrenia, it could at least give me hallucinations of someone giving me a comforting bear hug or something. Why the hallucinations all have to be highly annoying is beyond me. Anyway, so here's hoping this week is better because my patience is running thin. I mean, that's kinda funny because when am I ever patient? 

I miss having friends who want to go out and do stuff. I can't tell you the last time I had a girls' night out. Oh, wait, those are called concerts. I miss concerts. Sonic Temple dropped their lineup the other day, and I am a very happy girl. I can't wait until I have my surgery cause my butt will be in the pit with the kiddos for some of my favorite bands. It's gonna be fun to do all the normal stuff without crutches or pain. For everyone wanting to know when surgery is, it's most likely going to be in January, but I'll find out for sure when I see the surgeon in a couple of weeks. I'm 99% sure I'm going to ask them to do the second one in March so both my pins are done, and I'm back to life 100% cause your girl has places to go and people to see. 

Mercury has indeed jumped into the microwave again, so let the insanity begin. I can't be the only person whose mind just loses the plot when it does that. Yesterday crystal clear, today murky, and tomorrow probably sleepy. Oh wait, I'm always sleepy. haha. Though I haven't slept well in months, so that's probably part of it. But I am not making any promises or any big decisions until it hops back out of the Gatorade, because no thanks, I already have enough trouble trying not to get myself into trouble as it is. This mouth of mine doesn't have a filter and likes to be a mess. 

Mental health-wise, I had three big meltdowns this week for unknown reasons. I was good, and then boom, crash out for no reason. Thankfully, the people involved were super dope and just brushed it off. Cause we all know sometimes my brain is just dumb. One of them was on Wednesday was the gnat, but I mean, that's reasonable because anyone would do the same. The other two, well, we'll just leave those to the imagination. Honestly, one I don't even remember why anymore, and the other one, well, let's just say it involved none of your business. haha. Kidding. It was just me being dumb, which we know I'm really good at doing. Boy, did I need a nap afterwards because this brain can run marathons with no warning. I wonder if that's just a common anxiety thing or if my brain just likes to eat itself. That's a good question for my psych doc, so I'mma write that down. He's going to have so much fun with me. Not. He's going to wonder if my brain ever does the easy thing. Cause same doc, same.

I put fairy lights up yesterday and forgot to take pain medicine, so today is going to be a whole lot of doing nothing. I mean, I did clean the house yesterday, so I think I might have earned a do-nothing nap day. But first caffeine, because this brain isn't going to power itself, apparently. 

Remember, no Sunday scaries; it's just Monday, and you'll kick its ass like you always do.

~Until next time, be good to yourself and each other.~

Saturday Shenanigans on a Sunday

I'm 98% sure it's Saturday until I realize it's Sunday, and now I'm just wondering where the weekend went. Granted, tomorrow is a holiday here in the US, so I think me keeping track of the days is probably a lost cause. Counting calories and my intermittent fasting is definitely a good cause, and it's working really well. I had two wow moments this week, and I'm still amazed at them. We get used to how we look in the mirror, and I think sometimes we become blind to what we really look like. At least I do. Throughout this whole weight-loss process, I kept looking in the mirror for confirmation that the weight loss was actually happening. I kept getting the same old reflection, and honestly, it was making me mad. The scale kept going down, but the mirror didn't shift. Only it did, and I just didn't notice until it was super obvious. 

I looked in the mirror a few days ago, and all I could say was, "Wow." Over and over and over again, in surprise. Then yesterday I was walking past the mirror and had to take a look. Sure enough, my butt is even smaller than it was, and my stomach is looking a lot smaller. For someone who has struggled with their weight their entire adult life, it's a pretty miraculous thing to look in the mirror and see yourself shrinking. I have always had some pretty significant self-esteem issues and have always been overly critical of myself. That hasn't changed much, though I have gotten really comfortable with my face and body the last couple of years. So I kind of feel like I'm giving myself little pats on the self-esteem train as this process unfolds. I made a promise to myself to get my new knee this year, and I'm going to make it happen. That way I can plop my skinny butt on a Florida beach next summer and hang out with my chosen parents. I mean, let's be real: I miss them and home a whole lot. It's way past time I spent some quality time with them and my kiddos. Though I see my kiddos regularly and talk to them even more. Michael came over and hung out today, which was a great surprise. He works 3rds, so it's not super often he has enough energy after work to chill. Though I do see him pretty often after work. He was one with my beanbag chair, which honestly just made me happy.

Christian and I were talking yesterday about my decorating style, or lack thereof. He described it as a Pinterest board because it has a theme: music, of course. But it's also a bunch of cool shit, and honestly, no compliment has ever felt greater. Or more accurate. I have a very definite sense of style and an aesthetic but zero Martha Stewart abilities. The first things I bought for my apartment were Jackson's stand, where his urn will be forever, and the artwork for my walls. This is the first time I've ever lived alone, and I got to decorate it exactly how I wanted. So of course there are fairy lights, a beanbag chair, my guitar, etc. It's just me, and honestly, I never thought about what it looked like to other people. But calling it a bunch of cool shit is a pretty solid compliment, and I thought it was hella cool.

I bought some clothes this week that are two sizes smaller than what I wore last spring, and that was also hella cool. My wardrobe needed a couple more alt pieces for concerts and girls' nights out. Not that I get to do a lot with my knee in its current situation. But the wardrobe needed some love, so I made sure it got it. I haven't done anything with my work wardrobe simply because I just wear dresses. At previous jobs, I always wore pants, which surprises people. I just got tired of trying to find pants that fit my ass and weren't too long. So I eventually gave in and just bought a crap ton of dresses. Then I figured out they are so much easier than finding pants. So dresses it is. The good part is you can lose as much weight as you want, and they still fit until you've lost tons of weight. My dresses definitely go down about 5 inches more than they used to at the hem now. So it probably won't be long until I'm buying more of those in a smaller size. It's a lot more exciting to go clothes shopping when you're buying a smaller size, that's for sure. 

Mental health-wise, it was a quiet week for the most part. I dunno what's in the air lately, but I fell asleep after work two days in a row, so much for not getting behind on my homework. Which reminds me, I need to log in and catch up on my classes. 'Cause I certainly didn't open my laptop this week; I was snoozing. Michael actually heard the knocking I hear today which is a relief. I guess that one is real because it's definitely not a mass hallucination. haha. Where it comes from is another guess cause I'm not entirely sure. He said probably the condenser on the freezer? I'm not sure, but it's good to know the Invega definitely has my space a little less crazy. Cause genuinely, I'm crazy enough; I don't need more help in that department.

I guess it means I need to do my homework and finish my chores. Unless one of you wants to do it for me while I take a nap. No? Fine. haha. Off I go with my terrible handwriting to take notes and learn lots of cool stuff. But ah, the dishes, they're going to wait because I really don't want to, and frankly, I make the rules, so I'm not gonna. Until tomorrow, anyway cause I can't escape that chore forever. Or can I? Just kidding. I'll definitely do them tomorrow because I gotta have a clean kitchen before my work week starts. Even if I am working from home for the next couple of weeks. Actually, that might be even more reason to finish the chores, because who wants to work and look at a mess? Not me. That would definitely feel like living in a depression pile, and we don't do those anymore.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~