The Impossible

 In a couple of days, 2024 will come to a close and everyone will have shiny new resolutions to break. I’m of course still going to be the hot mess you already know and love. I think last year I may have set hopes for the coming year. I’m going to do that again this year, I think. Armed with my lucky veggie pork and sauerkraut of course. I still don’t know where that tradition comes from exactly. But I love sauerkraut so you will hear no complaints from me. My neighbors might mind but I’m still making it. Though I kinda hope it’s not 5000 degrees when I make it. Why does it feel like spring outside? I swear I will die on the hill that Ohio is more bipolar than I am. Okay stop laughing that’s mean. Haha.

The week between Christmas and New Year is so confusing. If I get any more tired, I will sleep until the new year shows up. Does anyone know what we are supposed to be doing right now? Cause I have no idea. I do know I had to work, and my brain was 99.9% absent. I’m still not sure when I’m expected to be in the office next. The last time I saw my boss he said eh you figure it out. So apparently, I can go back whenever I want to? Don’t offer me time to not wear shoes, sir. I will take it and live there. Shoes and bras are the root of all evil and should be ignored as long as humanly possible. Tho I am starting to wonder if my feet have forgotten that dress shoes are a thing. So, the new year will be exciting for everything but my feet. Haha.

Mental health-wise, it’s been pretty quiet on that front, so I’m kind of afraid to poke it. So, we’ll just pat it and back away quietly, so we don’t anger it. I’m going into the new year as medically stable as I have been in literal years. My bipolar has decided that it can indeed keep its hands in the cart at all times. It hasn’t played tug a war with my emotions as often, so we’ll take that as a solid win. I still think jumping off of a bridge sounds good at times. But ya know if my brain isn’t a little spicy at times it wouldn’t be my brain.

So, what exactly do I want to happen in 2025? I don’t really know. I know I want to stay happy, stay medically stable, and take over the world. Kidding. No taking over the world for me. That’s way too much pressure and I’m kinda lazy. I can’t even imagine half of the amazing things that could happen. I’m at a point in life where I’m just happy to have a seat at the big kid's table. For so long I felt like my life was at the mercy of my mental health and to a degree it is. But it doesn’t feel much like that anymore. Now it kinda feels like I get to build my life day by day and I like it better that way. It’s nice to feel some semblance of control return to my life. I know I’ve held the key the entire time but sometimes that key felt lost. Now it feels like it’s in the pocket of my backpack with the rest of the keys. There’s a freedom in that. A freedom I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again but here we are. Sometimes it feels like all things do is fall apart until they start falling back together. It’s incredibly dope to watch things fall back together knowing they’re actually going to stay together.

Half of life is surviving the other half is believing in the impossible. I used to be really good at believing in the impossible and just waiting for cool stuff to happen. Then I wasn’t and the entire world scared the living shit out of me. Let's be honest sometimes it still scares the shit out of me. But a big thing I want to take into 2025 is hope. Hope I’ve learned is where the belief in the impossible resides. Sure, you can think you're entitled to something you aren’t. There’s always room for error. But hope is the key that unlocks the possibility of everything good happening. Yes, hard work is important, and it does play a big part in big things coming to fruition. But if you didn’t hope they could you wouldn’t be working so hard to make it happen. So, half of life is trying to stay afloat, and the other half is manifesting that dope thing you are working hard to achieve. If I learned anything in 2024 it’s not to laugh in the direction of manifestation, it will laugh at you. Because you can manifest bad things. You can spend so much time stuck in your negativity and self-doubt that you manifest those things. It’s scary to hope. It’s scary to fall in love. It’s scary to plan your future. But the underlying story is hope. You hope because your heart wants it. You believe because your heart needs it. You make it because your mind knew it could.

So, while we write those fancy shiny New Year’s resolutions don’t forget to add a dash of hope. Add some “I wills” and sprinkle in a bunch of “it happened.” Set yourself up for success by believing success is an option and not a possibility. This time next year you might just close the year out as impressed as I am today. The universe definitely knew what it was doing. I didn’t so much but it had it all planned out. So, I won’t go into the new year with any resolutions. But I am going with a bunch of hope and some pretty nifty plans for the future. See you there.

~Until next time, be kind to each other.`

Are you ready?

Christmas is in a couple of days, it’s super cold, and of course, we have no snow. I remember it being snowy and stuff on Christmas as a kid. Now we’re lucky if we get snow every 10^th Christmas. Which is slightly inconvenient since Christmas is the only time I want snow. Am I ready for Christmas? Nope lol. It would be the end of the world if I had my life together before Christmas. The benefit of having grown kids is I can wrap whenever I feel like it. Read that as throw things in gift bags. Haha. I bought for my future son-in-law’s little boy this year and learned something about myself. I would buy the entire toy store if I could afford it. That and the clothing department because the little jumpers are so cute. Before anyone goes OMG son-in-law. They’ve been together several years so in my mind he’s been my son-in-law for a long time. Haha. It’s just one of those you’re family now things.

The life front has been interesting and incredibly cool. Mental health-wise it’s been a fairly uneventful couple of weeks. I had two new hallucinations but genuinely can’t remember what they were. So, thank you Invega. I had a coworker come into my office the other day to chat. I didn’t really know her well though any interactions we have had were cool. I’m a chill person who respects everyone until I have a reason not to. Even then I’m still polite and professional because duh I need my paycheck. But it was cool and for her kinda comforting when she started talking about her mom having hallucinations and them being super stressful. That I was able to volunteer that I struggled with them as well. I very much appreciate being able to help people when I can. I gave her some tips and tricks that I was taught by my med doc to try. She sent me a message yesterday telling me they worked well for them. So that was really dope. I’m glad they helped both of them because hallucinations are a bummer sometimes and even I have had meltdowns over them. But overall everything with my mental health has been gravy.

I ate brownies for lunch because I was left unsupervised and no one told me no. haha. I mean being an adult has to have perks, right? If I’ve learned anything the last couple of weeks is that the universe is incredibly good to me. There are a lot of things that happened in 2024 that I didn’t have on my bingo card. There things I wanted but not things I ever thought were on tap. The last couple of days I’ve looked back and I just cannot believe how cool this year has been. Coming into 2024 I only knew that the later half of 2023 had been hopeful and that good life things were starting to finally fall back into place. So I was optimistic without any real definite goals besides my job and spending as much time as possible being the best mom I could be.

Honestly, the universe said hold my bag because 2024 is going to blow your mind and it did. At this point I’m just here like okay universe guide me in 2025. When my manic hit in 2020 my life as you know basically burned to the ground. Those first years were simply people trying to keep me alive and trying to fix my brain. But somewhere along this road some really great things happened. I’ve noticed the people around me being much more outspoken about their mental health. They’ve shared more, and shown a lot more compassion to the world around them. They’ve worked incredibly hard to build supportive networks and I’m so proud of them. I have no words for how amazed and blessed I feel to be part of their community. I’ve watched my life rebuild brick by brick in ways I never could have imagined. I have the utmost respect for those who handed me bricks and those who helped me figure out how to lay them. I’m deeply grateful for the amazing people who took a risk and gave me a chance. It takes a village and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, they’re full of shit.

Having a village requires us to speak up and let people know we need help. I know there is this weird belief that in order to be successful, you don’t tell people anything personal. But that’s not true. Your success sometimes depends on letting people know you need help getting there. Are there going to be people you don’t bring with you? Of course, there are. Boundaries are a big part of being successful emotionally. You might be thinking, what does being emotionally successful even mean? It means being happy, peaceful, and comfortable in your mind and emotions. The most amazing thing you can do is like who you are. Perfect doesn’t equal happiness. It equals being dishonest with yourself and the people around you. It’s okay to be a hot mess. People will still love you. The people who love you at your worst are actually the ones who love you best.

Going into 2025 I don’t have a game plan. I’ve learned that the best things happen for you when you’re open to whatever could happen. There are things I hope will happen, but I’m not committed to them being the only thing that can happen. Mostly I just want to be happy and I very much am. I’m truly medically stable for the first time in almost five years. I’ve lived alone for ten months and still love it. I love my little apartment and my comfort space. I got a full-sized tree this year and it’s beautiful. I’m going to go to bed tonight in my bed with my blankies, england, and this really cute pumpkin pillow I got at Halloween. Jax is chilling on my vanity, and I love having him in our new place. I wish he was hopping around it but that’s okay. I’m learning to be okay with things that seem impossible. And I’m learning slowly that when it’s time for things in life to fall in place they will.

I’m also learning that some futures are meant to be built on the ashes of one that burned to the ground. Not every failure is actually a failure in the grand scheme of life. So maybe next time it falls apart, believe it can also fall back together. Because not only can it but it will. It won’t happen overnight, and you’ll amass a village but that’s how it’s supposed to happen. Futures are built day by day and I hope 2025 gives you a million reasons to smile. I hope it gives you everything you need and helps you build a solid foundation for the future you will build brick by brick.

Happy Holiday’s everyone! If you’re spending the holiday alone just remember you aren’t truly alone. You are loved, and cherished, and you are the coolest person alive in someone's eyes.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Marshmallows

I don’t know who ordered winter, but I need you to come get it. What part of not wanting to sweat on my way to work equaled being plopped down in the arctic tundra? Kidding I’m happy to see snow even if freezing my nose off is a daily thing. I actually did some black Friday shopping, shocker I know, but I did it from my beanbag chair. So, I’m not entirely sure if that actually counts. I’m sure it probably wasn’t actually a deal but when the gift inspiration hits, we go with it. That was after we vegged out and ate pizza of course. No one should shop on an empty stomach. That’s how you end up buying the entire snack food aisle.

I started taking my Adderall again Friday since it was finally back in stock. I swear I wish this Adderall shortage would be a thing of the past. At any rate, I have the concentration of a surgeon currently. I forget how chaotic my brain is without it. And I get a lot more done without having to go on fifteen different side quests all while trying to do one thing. Like I actually focused and cleaned the entire house in one day. Instead of taking a week and still having little mess piles everywhere. I’m not sure what’s up with the mess piles because clutter stresses me out. But apparently, my brain is only so capable of organizing. Am I going to do something about it? Probably not. So, I guess it doesn’t bother me that much. Haha.

People genuinely baffle me. Mostly their lack of self-awareness and honesty with themselves. A long time ago I decided to keep certain things to myself to protect people. I now know it was the wrong decision, and I get that. I will right that wrong. But something about me is I’m the same person online as I am offline. There’s no smoke and mirrors, I don’t talk about my entire life online because the people I love deserve their privacy. I’ve talked before in length about my kid’s decision to stay out of the public spotlight. I don’t talk about where I work, where I live, or the details of my everyday life. Trust me, it’s boring lol. There are boundaries in place for us just like there are all of you. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. It’s to maintain a healthy parasocial relationship and keep everyone safe.

So, it’s weird to me when someone, or someone’s, infers themselves into things that aren’t public. I write you life-based stories and I love doing it. But it’s still a parasocial relationship unless you know me in regular life. And even then, there is an area of carryover where irl people do weird things. There’s also this thing called projection where for whatever reason people project facts and personality traits onto me that aren’t actually mine. I’m a very happy and well-adjusted human being who loves who I am. When I tell you who I am, and you tell me I’m lying I don’t know what to tell you. No matter how you twist your projection onto me it’s still going to be your projection and not me. My peace has been hard earned and I am very much a self-made person. I’m endlessly honest about my faults and flaws, I have many. I have no reason to lie about them, or myself, to you or myself. I have told the details of my life and been polygraphed on them, not once, but twice. I have nothing to hide.

I’m the same giant dork in real life as I am on here. I made my animal crackers dance before I ate them today. I will 100% forget why I walked into a room but know the lyrics of dozens of songs by heart. I’ll never be considered a success by anyone’s expectations. I can barely afford to live let alone own a home. I’ve struggled with my mental health my entire life. These aren’t tales, this is my literal reality, and though it’s hard a lot of the time. I love my life. I’ve climbed some incredible mountains and felt some incredible pain. I’m proud of myself for working so hard to find a will to live with a body that just begs to die. Part of that is putting boundaries in place and holding people accountable. Those boundaries don’t just apply to other people. They apply to me even more than they do to other people.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve chosen to remain silent on topics I never should have been silent about. That’s going to change, on my terms, because it’s my story to tell. There are burned bridges I’m never going to repair because they should have been burned decades ago. We aren’t born knowing all the right answers and sometimes our love for others is at the cost of ourselves. So, after a very long time, I’m finally choosing me. I’m choosing me and my mental health so that I can really dig the next I dunno 30 years Ish before I croke. If I have to be alive and all gazillion of you demand it. Haha. I owe it to myself to live a life I’m at peace with. It took me a long time to get here but here I am.

There’s always going to be people in your life that don’t want you to change. Make sure you aren’t one of them.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Thanksgiving Rambles

Happy Saturday before Thanksgiving. I still don’t know where November went but alas it’s pretty much over. It snowed the other night so of course I sat by the window and watched it. The weather is finally getting cold and honestly, I’m kind of loving it. I don’t love being cold, but I love not sweating so I’ll take it. Looking cute when you walk into work sweating from the heat is hard. Haha. I still have to sort out a Christmas tree, but I’ll take care of that this week. I’m super excited to see the apartment lit up with all the happy Christmas lights. Multicolor of course because there’s nothing better.

Jax came home the other week for the first time in the 15 months since he passed. It was just as emotional as you imagine but I think I’m mostly used to having my tiny fluffy bestie in an urn. Well as much as someone can. I started working on finishing his memorial stand and had an idea to hand make his name to go on top. Ya girl is not crafty, so the thought is gonna have to count on that one. Naw, it’s cute but not the most skilled and that’s okay.

On the mental health front things are going well. I’m mostly used to the Invega, and the hallucinations have really reduced which is fantastic. I still have some which is expected because brains do brain. I did have to start taking it in the morning because it was doing the insomnia thing. Which of course is bad so I’ll probs cycle again here soon. But after that it should be smooth sailing, which is a big relief. I don’t so much mind the schizo/schizo affective diagnosis I’m just glad everything is becoming routine. It’s been a long mental health road but it’s dope AF that it’s all treated and good now.

People are going to start doing the things I’m thankful for thing. To celebrate their accomplishments and what not in 2024. I survived and that’s good enough for me honestly. It was a neat year, and a lot of really great things happened but mostly I just survived. I’m good with that. If you went out and kicked life’s butt, I hope you celebrate it. I hope you always find time to congratulate yourself and everyone around you. Just do me a favor and please don’t post pictures of raw birds and plates of food. We’re all gonna be eating the same thing so skipping that would be great. I’m actually not eating Thanksgiving food for Thanksgiving. Or at least I’mma try not to because pizza on Thanksgiving sounds so much better. Not just any pizza, homemade pizza. I mean lets be real people deserve to have the time off work to spend it with their families.

If you’re black Friday shopping, I hope it’s from your phone. I’ve never understood black Friday shopping personally, but you do you. It’s definitely everyone breathing on each other season and I don’t really want to participate in that. Though if I don’t get covid in December it will be a Christmas miracle. I now have a 3 for 3 record with getting covid in December. Ugh. Actually, how bout I never get covid again because I’ve had it so many times. There should be like an automatic limit because it’s gnarly and I don’t wanna. But regardless I’m sure I’ll be out an about this holiday season and probably get sneezed on. Which speaking of Christmas how’s everyone’s budgeting going? I’d kinda like black Friday discounts to be on utilities and groceries because omg. Like yea sure I want to pay half my income just to eat vegetables. Haha. Oh well, we’ll get through it even if it’s a pain in the butt.

Michael is indeed a normal 21-year-old, and his adventures are hilarious. I don’t know what is cooler in life than watching your kids grow up. When they’re little you wonder what they’ll be like as adults. Then you hit the dreaded teenage years, I’ve heard, mine never got there, I swear it’s coming though, right? Then they have the audacity to grow up and become adults. I’ve always raised my kids to be okay even if I’m no longer here. But Michael took the independence to another level the week before last. Homie went and had his wisdom teeth pulled, BY HIMSELF, like who does that? My hero I swear. I was sad that he didn’t need Momma anymore but also in awe of his level of badass.

Tori, that apple did not fall far from the tree. She’s a small version of me and it’s just as maddening and cool as you can imagine. Christian, who the hell gave him the right to be 27 years old already? He’s the OG cool kid and the one I learn the most from still to this day. They were just small five seconds ago and now they’re adults. It’s a really cool experience and though I’m often told way more than I need to know. The TMI struggle is real, haha. It’s still the coolest thing ever to have grown kids you genuinely like as people. I’m a lucky human and I am very aware of it.

Okay it’s probably time for a nap, I got up stupid early for no good reason. Maybe today I’ll start hacking away at the 100s of DMs I currently have. If I haven’t responded I'll get to it eventually. Those suckers have become overwhelming, I guess that’s the price of procrastination, but I’ll get to them at some point. Hopefully long before it becomes 200s of DMs because then I might just give up and forget about them altogether. Kidding, I think. 😊

Go forth and be the amazing goober you know you are. I hope you all have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday. Just don’t go be a meanie after the turkey cause the economy is hard and everyone needs all the bargains.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Living Life Out Loud

 I saw a post today where a lady said more women needed to “Live life out loud” so other women could learn from it. It made me chuckle because my header on all my social media for almost 20 years has been a picture of a flaming guitar with the words Live life out loud on it. As a lot of you know, one of the things I am most respected and admired for online is my blog. It’s always been me living my life in real time honestly. We as human beings live our lives in real-time, influenced and affected by the things around us. My social media presence has introduced me to some of the closest people in my life. We don’t all think or feel things the same nor should we have to.

I’ve gotten criticism from people about being so open or having a public platform where I talk about my life. People are entitled to their opinions and beliefs. But just because other people don’t have the courage or understand doesn’t mean I need to explain or adopt their beliefs. Then there is of course the I wouldn’t care if you weren’t talking about me people. I can guarantee those people are literally the last people on my mind. I really don’t care enough about a lot of things in life to even waste brain power on it.

Liivng life out loud to me means being transparent about struggles and successes. One of the big things the last couple of years has been my mental health. It’s insane to me, no pun intended, that I am on the third recreation of my life and I’m only 46 years old. God I hope this is the last one though because this girl is tired. Haha. But the entire point of the mental health conversation is……. You guessed it. So that the people around me don’t feel so alone in their own struggles. We have a community here and that community has always been really special and important. Your mental health, courage, determination, and successes in life should be celebrated. I know a lot of you don’t have your own cheering squad but you have me. And I’m so incredibly proud of every single one of you who get up every day tired from the day before and still kick ass regardless.

By the way, my sincere apologies for not responding to DMs lately. I know I’ve kinda been mia and those bad boys are now numerous. I’mma get to them this week, I promise.

My life hasn’t been a cakewalk, and I’ve made bad decisions. I own them. I hold myself accountable for them and I’ve always been honest about them. I’ve not always been able to look myself in the eye in the mirror. I have my regrets and things I need to make peace with. We all do. If you don’t, how’s that lying to yourself going?

But my life has also been really dope and full of super cool stuff. Through my blog and online presence, I’ve made some of my best friends. I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever met on here. My kids and I have all grown up in front of you. I’ve made memories I’d never want to forget. I’ve had interactions with so many artists that I would never have had if I hadn’t been here. I’ve made a million good and bad memories on the grand stage of public writing. What we have created together lasts forever both in our lives and on here. They always say the internet is forever and it really is. Haha. I’ve been able to open a window into who I am instead of just being who people think I am or who I should be. What other people expect isn’t really a reflection of who any of us are. So much of that has had a big impact on who I grew up to be.

Without the ability to live my life out loud in real time, my life would look very different. I’m glad it doesn’t look different. I’m grateful that I’ve had the space and the friends I have to be myself. For a troubled kid to grow up to be who I am is a pretty cool journey. I had lived my entire life being the round peg trying to go into a square hole. I never fit in. I never felt like I fit in and I still don’t fit into certain aspects of life. I didn’t feel understood or relatable. I felt broken and unwanted, and like I would never measure up. Until I stopped judging myself by other people's expectations. Until I realized that you aren’t going to always resonate with people who aren’t your tribe. I also learned that it’s okay to not always resonate with people.

No one knows what adoption feels like unless they're adopted. I know that offends some people but it’s true. Not everyone feels adoption the same way. Some people feel happy, feel like they belong where they are, and love being adopted. I’m not one of them. I’ve never been one of them. Being adopted has been more of a curse than a blessing for me. Some people say that’s ungrateful. It’s not. How would it be ungrateful to dislike changes people made to your life without your permission? What I find baffling about that whole thing is how people assume not liking being adopted means you hate your adopted family. That’s also wildly untrue. I love my siblings, aunts and uncles. I adored my grandparents. I still to this day call them my hero and my angel because that’s what they’ve always been to me. They were as I’ve said a million times the best part of being adopted.

All of this would have festered in me had I not had this really cool outlet. Had I not had this blog or met the people I met I never would have felt any differently. Now I have a place in the world where I feel accepted, happy, and able to just be my dorky self.

Living your life out loud is literally a blessing. It’s such a uniquely cool experience that I hope everyone gets to experience in life. So don’t be afraid to be you. You never know who is going to admire you for it.

Love you guys.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Sunday Rambles

I'm equally surprised that it's Sunday and also a little baffled at how it got here so quickly. It is a beautiful day here, but I could really go for a gray, cold, windy, and rainy day. My apartment is indeed peak cozy and those are perfect chill days. Only then I guess I would have to make chili instead of the giant salad that I'm going to make today. So, I would also have to buy a crock pot and honestly, I haven't thought that far ahead. To be fair Fall salads are elite so I'm definitely not complaining. 

At work this week we were talking about plans for 2025. I'm fairly certain that 2024 just started like 5 minutes ago, right? But also, why talk about plans for the new year so soon? I will forget every single thing we decided on by Christmas. I've never been a good planner unless it's vacation and then I still forget important things like hair brushes. In my defense though..... Okay I have no defense, I just quite literally forgot that I required a hairbrush. Is it a sign of age that the older you get the more your brain peace’s out on important details? Cause my brain heavy dropped the ball on that one. 

I almost envy those people who wake up on Saturday morning and decide that they have a million things that they have to get done and then actually do them. I wonder what it must be like to have your life that together. I can only assume they are also the people who plan their outfits for the entire week in advance. Instead of zombie walking to their closet and digging through it like a raccoon trying to find something that semi-resembles something you should wear to work. I'm 99.9% sure that every single one of you already knows which one of those I am. This is why I hang up all of my clothes cuz otherwise I would never have anything to wear.

My boss decided that it was okay for him to joke about mental health this week and I'm here for it. No one makes fun of themselves better than people who are mentally ill. I don't know about you, but I wholeheartedly approve of well-delivered jokes. Especially on spicy brain weeks when the brain is just not braining. You have no idea how much I would like to take my brain out and give it a stern talking to sometimes. I had a great psych appointment followed by my first big down in a month or so which was peak uncomfy. Like how rude of my brain for us to get a perfect score on our psych exam and then it decided to just throw up and be stupid. Then I realized that there is not just one voice in my head but there's two other voices in my head and they like to talk to each other about me. So apparently my brain just likes to bully me, and this is what we're doing now. My sense of humor is just dark and twisted enough that I'm actually amused by it. I mean lets be real I'm an ugly crier so we gotta laugh about it. 

Have you ever thought you'd outgrown something only to realize you didn't when that feeling comes creeping back in? It's just so rude. It's kind of like your brain picking the 16 cringiest memories for you to ponder when you're trying to get to sleep. Like, thanks, brain. I already knew that was a thing, but why is it a thing right this very minute??? Brains don't care. They just throw out any old thing, so we're all out here just raw dogging life for funsies. The same seems to happen with emotions. I'll grow a bunch as a person and suddenly my brain is like and for our next trick, insecurity! You can tell your brain to kick rocks, but it doesn't. It just sits there in your head mocking you because it can. I want to tell it to pick a struggle but it's my brain. She's dramatic and frankly doesn't need to be encouraged to pick all the struggles. So, we'll just feed her more pumpkin spice, everything, and hope she cooperates. Because the audacity of this brain knows no bounds. 

So in case your brain is also a meanie. You're loved, you're wanted, and yes, your ass absolutely looks dynamite in those jeans. ☺

You're badass. Go do badass things and take over the world.

Adulting is meh

Three weeks and two hurricanes later I’m a lot tired and even more grateful that the fam is good. My heart goes out to everyone south of Milton because those storm surges are not fun. We had something similar happen on the barrier islands from Helene. It’s October, can Mother Nature calm down so we can enjoy spooky season without it turning into a real-life jump scare? Anyway, back here in Ohio it seems that hell’s front porch has finally gone back to wherever it belongs. I even had to break out my leather jacket! I was so happy. I love the Fall weather so much. Plus, it means we might be nearing our first frost of the season and then ragweed can also go to hell. 

I need October to restart because it’s going way to fast, and I really love October. So, if any month deserves a restart, it’s this one. I may be a bit biased on that one but still. My boss the other day was talking about Thanksgiving and I lowkey wanted to take his temperature. Like I get liking Thanksgiving, tho I hate it, but it’s literally October. Why do you want to be hungry for an entire month? You know how you see a train wreck happening but can’t look away or stop it? Literally me with my M&Ms a second ago. Thankfully they only rolled into me vs the wild blue yonder that is the floor of my apartment.

The spicy brain is slightly less spicy and enjoys the higher dose of antipsychotic. But I did see a horse walking down the road the other day in complete bafflement. When did horses just start magically appearing in the middle of the city? I personally found that hallucination hilarious because it was a pretty horse even if it wasn’t real. Though I will be writing a strongly worded complaint to the person who just stands and looks at me in my office at work. I mean I could just put a skellie there, but my boss would have a heart attack and die, and I don’t look good in stripes. So, I might have to figure out how to cope with that one unless it disappears soon.

In the chronicles of I’m old as shit and unprepared. I hurt my knee yesterday literally walking. How does one hurt themselves by strictly existing? I think at some point our bodies decide to play a game of can I. Mine has decided if I am determined to exist and be mobile it has to hurt. So not only do I have work, home, and backpack anxiety meds I also have ibuprofen everywhere. I kinda wonder if I’mma have a stomach by the time I’m actually old. Like I’m cool if I don’t but it would be painful without one. But yolo I suppose.

There’s a saying, “Be a good person but don’t waste time proving it.” I am perfectly okay being the villain in people’s stories. What I’m not okay with is people being class-A douchebags when they’re supposed to be my friends. There’s another saying that goes like this, “what you know to be true about yourself is your business. What other people think of or say about you isn’t your business.” I don’t really care what people think of me and never really have. I’m not wasting my time worrying about or trying to change what other people think or feel. Want to think I’m a terrible person? Cheers. Enjoy yourself. Everyone is the villain in someone’s story after all.

We don’t get a do over in life or a pause button. I could definitely use a pause button I’m not gonna lie. Because sometimes naps in certain places would be hella helpful. Haha. Like ohhhh that was stressful, hit pause, and wake up refreshed and ready to go. Who am I kidding I don’t know what waking up refreshed even feels like. I’m always more on the troll side of waking up. But at the end of the day this is my story and I’m the one who dictates when, how, why, or if it’s told. No one else holds the pen in my life story but me and that’s how it should be for all of us. And sometimes doing that requires good friends to become people you used to know.

I’m just over here trying to live a life I love on my own terms. Because not everyone can forgive and forget. Not everyone or every situation deserves forgiveness. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I don’t owe anyone anything, but I owe myself everything. I was born with a deck stacked against me. There’s a lot that being adopted stole from me that I can’t get back. There’s a lot struggling with serious mental illness has stolen from me as well. Had I known my parents and my birth family we might have known to check for certain things. I probably wouldn’t have struggled in many of the ways I have in life. I probably would have been a better person and found my place in the world as a normal kid.

When you grow up in a place that isn’t yours with people who aren’t yours it’s traumatizing. It’s really weird to me to be told someone was close to me when they don’t actually know anything about me as a person. Knowing me in the physical sense doesn’t equal me being close to someone. You can know people for decades and still not actually know them. If we’re close, ask me what I know about you. The answer is going to be extremely general because I don’t actually know you as a person. What are my values, beliefs, weird things that amuse me, or how I cope with things. If you can’t answer those extremely basic questions, then you know nothing about me as a person. Those things are a fundamental part of who I am as a person.

There are pumpkin spice cookies with my name on them that demand to be eaten. But I suppose I should also eat a salad. Adulthood is dumb. Haha.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Squishes

Sometimes I learn lessons easily and other times it's like pulling teeth. At the grand old age of 46, I'd like to say that my decision-making abilities are great. They aren't. Sometimes I just have to touch the fire and get burned to remember why we don't touch fire. So I touch it, get burned, pout about it, and ultimately learn my lesson and mosey on. My bullshit detector must also be in the shop along with my crystal ball because damn. So the only flame I'm touching for the foreseeable future is my lighter to my candles. Speaking of candles I have like 50 of them in my shopping cart. Why not stock up before the world descends on Fall candles. I think we all hate Walmart but I'll tell you a secret. They have really great three-wick candles for like six bucks. If you tell anyone I told you that I'll tell them you're lying. haha. Kidding. Let the Fall candle party start because it was only a balmy 91 degrees today. Dear Mother Nature, Fall when? Sincerely, everyone currently living in hells from porch.

I finally jumped from the depresso expresso train and back into Happyville. Okay, it's more like a rage-cleaning phase just kinda rage light at this point. Honestly, I think I was just hungry but we'll go with it. It was a very productive weekend in my world. I tackled the chores that have been looking at me for... well I don't want to talk about how long. Let's leave it at it needed done. But also why do wood floors seem to create the biggest crumb piles ever? I didn't even eat things with crumbs under my bed but the entire world of crumbs lived there, apparently. I felt like asking them when their rent check would be deposited into my account there were that many of them. Like cool, let's just make me look like I never sweep the floor when I only sweep it once a day. Ohhhhh. I forgot I was supposed to buy a sweeper thingy for wood floors, Lauren will remember because obviously, I don't remember anything these days. 

At what point in aging did we give our brains permission to just peace out at times? Okay, it could be my ADHD that is partly to blame but literally what was I going to do? Or it's mid-conversation and it's your turn to talk and your entire thought said okay bye. Then you're just sitting there looking at the other person like well what now? Sometimes my brain doesn't boot up another topic of conversation and I just awkwardly shrug. Like brain pick a struggle my dude and not all of them. Or maybe just remember a struggle? How would that actually work? See, I have no idea, so maybe we will just hand wave and run to hide in the closet. 

Yes, that is really what the inside of my brain sounds like. It's a lot of ummmms, dudesss, wut's, and some music playing somewhere. Oh, not to mention whichever hallucination decides to be annoying that day. This weekend, I kept hearing a toilet flush where there wasn't a toilet. So that's new. I cleaned the bathroom so maybe the imaginary toilet also got cleaned? Who knows lol. I was covid sick this week so maybe my mental facilities needed their own toilet, that could be. There's a joke in there somewhere. Welcome to the world of the mentally ill. I love it when people go to make a joke about someone being crazy but feel the need to preface it with "I'm not making light of the mentally ill." Homie we make fun of ourselves as long as you call it good crazy we will let it slide. Call it bad crazy and we may just stand on your front lawn with pitchforks. Truly the choice is yours as to how spicy you're looking to get.

The new Schizophrenic antipsychotic seems to be doing okay. I can't actually feel it yet so they increased it and it only made me a little med-sick. I will definitely consider that a win. Someone this week asked me if I really needed to take it. I was like homie I don't write my own scripts or have a PhD so I must need it. What a dumb question. It isn't and never was out of the realm of possibility that I could have schizophrenia or Schizoaffective disorder. When people are like what? No way? Again, I don't write my scripts or diagnose myself. There are those people who are like how are you this old and just finding out? Like me not knowing this years ago wasn't possible? There's a lesson in there kiddos. Before my major manic four years ago I didn't know a lot of this stuff wasn't normal. Do I need to repeat it? No? Cool. 

Yeah, that's a thing. It's kind of like when they ask if you've ever been suicidal and I say every day of my life. Like wait, most people don't think about yeeting themself off a cliff a couple of times a day? For real? They were like no Michelle that's not normal. Here's the thing, healing isn't linear, nor is navigating the world with mental health issues. The thing about mental health and trauma is that it doesn't matter if people believe you. No one can tell you how things in your life did or didn't affect you. Also, mental illness can come from trauma as well as biological. I don't know about you but no one ever gave me a test on what I did or didn't feel. So you not only can have a major mental illness that isn't diagnosed. But you can also have no idea said mental illness exists until later in life. It's cool. These things just kinda happen and you just roll with it. Right? Cause I'm still the goofball I've always been and now we know where my quirks come from. Whoever just thought hallucinations aren't a quirk we are going to fight. haha, My brain is spicy not completely broken.

I think even non-spicy-brained people do this too. But doesn't everyone have a comfort space in their house? It has your favorite things in it, and you can go and decompress after the day. Maybe you have a favorite pillow to snuggle when you're sad and it makes you happy. Or even your favorite pants you wear just when you need a boost of happiness. If you have an SMI and you don't do it it's such a fun thing to create. I understand that "adults" don't need these things. Only they do and you should be nicer to yourself. It's okay to need comfort stuff. It doesn't make you childish or weird it makes you human. Some people choose to drink or smoke. A lot of us don't. Developing healthy and happy coping mechanisms is the key to life. Without them, life just batters you constantly until you die. I dunno about you but I'd rather have stuffies than be miserable. I got three more squishmallows this week and it made my entire week. They're Halloween/fall-themed, so I'm entirely happy about it. haha.

Stuffies is a lie in part because I have a lot of comfort items. I have a pillow Junie and Al gave me a gazillion years ago that I still sleep with every night. Michael gave me Mr. Pancakes after Jax died. Big C gave me Owlie when I was struggling. I've had a favorite blankie since I was like 22 that I still sleep with. I have my favorite comfy sweatpants that are big and baggy for when I'm sick. I've had a thumb ring on my left thumb since I was 12 years old. You can tell it's been there forever when you look at my thumb because it literally has a permanent ring around my finger. There's nothing wrong with having comfort items and don't let people tell you any different. This is the oldest we've ever been and we're all learning together. So when someone tells you to grow up just tell them you will as you get older. We never stop growing until we die. I don't know why people measure younger people with their yardstick. It's just silly.

Now go burn Fall candles, pray for chilly weather, and eat taco soup. After I take a nap that is. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Brain food

 I have the windows open, and I could not be happier. Fall is starting to creep in and I really want it to stay. Though hells front porch is coming back in a few days because it’s Ohio and it’s bipolar. Though I did see the weirdest thing this week. Some dude walking down the sidewalk wearing a white blanket like a ghost costume. I had the misfortune of finding myself walking behind him across the street. So, I did the only logical thing, I ran to work. They always say you know it’s spring in Ohio when you see the naked dude getting arrested. Well, we can officially say it’s Fall when we see ghostie walking down the streets for funsies. Maybe he just wanted to take his blankie to work with him. I get it cause same. I have my Jack Skellington blankie in my office for snuggles. But also, you could literally hang meat in my office because it’s constantly cold AF. It’s so much colder than the rest of the building that my boss had the hvac guys come in to fix it. So, we shall see what it feels like when I’m in the office next.

Is September 1^st the official day when you go from never needing Chapstick or hair old to needing it all again? Because it went from conditioner almost being to much to having straw for hair that needs everything. Where do I file my complaint?

My latest food fixation is honey nut cheerios, and I betrayed myself yesterday, I ordered cheerios and accidentally got the regular ones. So, if you see me crying mind, ya business. Haha. I also ate shells pasta this week, so I was definitely feeling brave. Gotta love having food texture and shape aversions. But I survived so yay me. I highly doubt I’ll do it again, but it was a cool success.

It indeed is the week after a holiday so how did your week of Monday's feel? I'm personally impressed that I didn't throw anything. Okay I threw some things but not at people. That counts, right? I got out of the elevator today and some lady getting out of the elevator across from me did what can only be described as an "omg. Must scurry off." I don't know what that was about, but she rushed like her butt was on fire for the doors. I followed at a polite distance, and she scurried faster when she realized I was walking in the same direction. I know I have resting bitch face but damn. I even smiled at her before she initially scurried away. So anyway, if you need people repellant, I'm for hire.

September is national suicide prevention and awareness month. Everyone knows someone or is someone who has been impacted by suicide in some way. The stigma surrounding mental health and suicidal impulses and ideations is vast. A lot of people have really strong internal biases towards mental health and suicide for whatever reasons. It’s a largely invisible illness therefore people feel justified in being dismissive about it. They can explain it away as being dramatic, made up, or exaggerated. Not only is that harmful it’s very alienating. People don’t want to die for funsies. Every single person with ideations, attempts, or who commit suicide have a reason for doing so.

I’ve gotten a lot of hate and criticism for being so open about my mental health, but someone needs to be willing to have the conversation. It’s an invisible illness with physical manifestations. I myself still feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my brain and meds. I think to a degree that’s not only normal but understandable. The people around you or lack of people around you can have a big impact on how the ill person handles it. I’ve had some really devastating blows over the years. The worst one by far was being put on a schizophrenic antipsychotic.

So many people don’t get help or take meds because people explain away what is happening. People then learn to explain away why they feel the way they do. Or even refuse treatment and hide it because they’re afraid of getting judged by others. Because inevitably someone is going to be dismissive or flat out tell you you’re making it up. Sometimes people will even ridicule you to your face or give opinions on your doctor’s decisions. It’s rare for people to just believe you and want to educate themselves on how to be there for the person who is struggling. Being mentally ill shouldn’t be a burden but people often make it one.

It's not like you chose to deal with any kind of mental illness. We don’t choose this. It’s scary. This stuff can be terrifying. The docs decided to treat my hallucinations and whatnot once I was medically stable. We all knew there was a possibility the big S word could eventually be a diagnosis. It’s the last thing I could have ever wanted. It’s weird to me that there are people who say that’s interesting because she acts completely normal. I know it’s weird for you to experience that same thing. A lot of that comes down to projection and their own internal bias dismissing something obvious. I act like me. I mean I am me who else would I act like? My normal is always going to be my normal. It doesn’t mean it’s your normal or that my normal is healthy. But people see other people and judge them by their own normal.

I’ve had audio and visual hallucinations my entire life. I didn’t know they weren’t normal until four years ago. I didn’t know that it’s not normal to wish you were dead on a regular basis. I thought everyone had an intense hatred of themselves. I thought everyone abused their body or ridiculed it. None of this I’ve learned is normal. My entire life my mental health has been a spot of contention in my life. If I treated it, I got criticized for how it was being treated. If I didn’t treat it, I was a moody asshole. Then finally four years ago the invisible bomb no one knew lived in my brain exploded. Untreated mental health can and will ruin your life at some point, I’ve learned the hard way.

I didn’t know my brain was different until they stuck me in a machine to study it. I didn’t understand the severity of things until my brain exploded and I had no choice but to face my reality. That’s a devastating recipe that often leads to suicide. People say, “she’s fine.” But what if I’m not fine? What then? What if your person isn’t fine? What now?

Let’s do suicide prevention and awareness right. Take the time to learn this month. Take this time to ask open ended questions in an attempt to understand without bias. Someone’s life you love might depend on it. Your life might depend on it. No one is born knowing how to navigate these situations but learning about them can. Don’t let the sun go down on education you could get that will not only benefit you but also help you love other people better.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Spooky Time!

My legs may or may not fall off from swimming for a gazillion hours. I have zero regrets because being able to log out of work and spend a week hanging out with my kiddos is such an amazing experience. It’s crazy to think we’ve been doing this vacation together for years now. They look forward to it just as much as I do, which is really cool. The only downside of vacation is doing laundry when you come back. I'm fairly sure I now have my own little ocean living somewhere in my washer but that's a tomorrow problem. You come back from vacation all relaxed and ready to take on the work week and then the work week starts and you're like I didn't sign up for this. Haha. So, the laundry monster did indeed need wrangled but I'm happy to say that I only have one load left to fold and put away. Granted I forgot about that load until just now but it's just one load regardless. I have, as I famously do, completely ruin my sleep schedule. So, Monday felt like fresh hell but that’s to be expected. I mean I wasn't too grumpy because I love my job but, morning.

October who? Spooky season started the moment I got home. My cart already had an array of Fall candles in it because, Summer who? I also ordered some really rude cookie cutters in Fall shapes because they are hilarious. One says, "Please go die" and I laugh every time I look at it. I finally had squash for the first time and absolutely loved it. For the non-UK peeps it’s a drink mix you put in water and it’s divine. Think Tang but so much better. I also have in my possession one of my very favorite British things. If you have never had Salad Cream, you are heavy missing out. I almost bought some mince pies, vegetarian of course, but barely refrained. If I want them that bad, I can always make my own at home. I probably won’t but the option is there.

I may or may not have laid so wrong that I pulled a muscle in my side. Can I give that side effect of aging back because no thanks. I need one of those side effects of aging to be something awesome like winning the lottery. I say that like I play the lottery. I don’t but it would be a fun hobby to start if I knew I’d actually win money. 

I need to start my new antipsychotic that I got lectured about because I've been procrastinating. I'm in complete denial that I need an antipsychotic linked to the big scary S word. My life bingo card said no so I promptly found a sandy beach to bury my head in. Funny because I was just in Florida but also accurate. Kidding you can't breathe with your head in the sand. Maybe that was a missed opportunity on my part? Kidding. 

We all know that one person who word vomits. If you don't know one of those people you are that person. If I know you, and I like you, I will word vomit all over you pretty much 24/7. Legit my other half almost lost his eardrums on the phone when me and one of my besties were hanging out. T and I got laughing at each other’s random nonsense and he had to turn the volume down. I don't even remember why we were dying laughing. He was like you might have forgotten to breathe. Which of course lead to another bout of us crying laughing. I don't know why we're like this, but I love my bestie so much. So now he's fully aware of just how ridiculous we get when we are together. Pray for him. His ears might just need it when he meets the other two.

Being able to just be stupid with my friends is peak relaxation. I did however kill one of my favorite pairs of headphones in the pool. I should probably just be thankful that the ocean didn't eat another pair of my sunglasses. Though the dolphins swimming with us would have looked really cool wearing them. We only saw maybe one shark. It could have been a sea cow, but we didn't stop to find out. It was past the buoys, so we just let it do its thing. It was interesting being there shortly after a storm/hurricane. The ocean was clean, but the sand was in these interesting patterns under the water. It was almost like there were shelves and the water was really shallow. The little fishes were swimming clear up to the beach. Which probably explains the pods of dolphins, but it was really cool. 

On the way home on the radio somebody said that Labor Day was like 2 weeks away and I was slightly confused. Then the kiddos mentioned that football was starting soon. One I had forgotten that Labor Day was a thing, and two how is it already almost September? Yea I'm not sure how I forgot about it either, but I did. I swear every year January and February last 15 years and then the rest of the year you just blink and it's over. It will be 2025 here in like 4 months so I hope everybody is ready for Christmas. Because I'm 99.9% sure that if you blink it will be here tomorrow. So, ah, please don't blink because none of us are actually ready. On the plus side we've reached the time of year when there is a holiday once a month. So, there is that to look forward to.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Dumpster Fires

It’s the last Saturday before vacation and I have a pile of laundry that I’m pretty sure now lives on my bed. This was definitely a hells front porch kinda week where the outside just breathed all over you. It was so rude because it didn’t even ask for permission. It just heavy breathed all over you all the time. Gotta love Ohio humidity. I shouldn’t complain because in no time mother nature is gonna rain all over me just for fun.

I’m never prepared for my life. You would think after doing this thing for 46 years I’d expect things. But I don’t and as always get caught off guard by the smallest things. Some guy looked at me like I was a lab experiment and I just looked at him confused. Like homie. I’m just over here walking and living my life why you gotta be all rude and shit? His shoes were ugly though and that puddle was kinda deep, so I guess he got what was coming to him. There’s nothing worse than squishy socks when you’re in a hurry.

People confuse me in general sometimes and I know I can be kinda chaotic. But I’ve never figured out why some people are just hella negative for seemingly no reason. No, I don’t want to hear how much you hate everything. Life owes you nada but here you are complaining and spreading bad vibes all over the place. There needs to be Lysol for bad vibes and energy vampires because they’d make a fortune.

People are weird. I keep saying that but it’s true. People do the weirdest things and just expect you to think it’s normal. Like no Tracy I in fact do not need you to tell me how to live my life or make decisions. We’re literally two completely different people and my life is my actual own. I don’t know where the concept of needing someone else’s approval to make decisions comes from but no thanks. I am indeed completely capable of making my own decisions. They might not be something you would do but I’m not you. Haha.

There’s always that person who thinks they know more, or you should be more like them. When the truth is what they know or would do doesn’t mean anything. It just seems like a strange concept to me that people expect you to take advice from them. But their life literally looks like a dumpster fire. Homie I’m completely capable of creating a dumpster fire but that’s not what I’m tryna do here. Why does it matter if you think red is best and I like blue more. Why is my choice of blue offensive and why are you hurt that I chose something you didn’t? I really want to know the answers to these questions because logically it doesn’t make any sense.

That’s a brain bender for me and it honestly gives me a headache. I just thought of a good example. It’s like when people see my facial piercings and go “No, I wouldn’t do that” in distaste. Okay don’t pierce your face then but what does that have to do with my face? I understand societal expectations and all that stuff, but I don’t understand it. You are a dumpster fire; can you please focus on that instead? We’re all dumpster fires who have our own shit to sift through. If we spent as much time on our dumpster fires instead of others we might get somewhere.

When someone says no that’s not an invitation to tell them why you think they’re wrong. Bodily autonomy is a thing fam and there’s nothing quite as toxic as someone who does that. I’m stubborn, I’ll do the exact opposite just to watch their head explode. Haha. Like here, that makes you uncomfy let me do much more of that, so you go away and stop trying to tell me what to do. I mean you might as well have fun with it. Never in the history of someone telling me what to do have I ever done what they told me to do.

So many of you are laughing right now with good reason. Don’t invite me to a tea party if I can’t wear my dino shorts. Or invite me to a cookout and expect me to look like Martha Stewart. How do people even maintain that look in public in the middle of summer? Like how does one stay so perfectly presentable? I’m the one melting in the heat, wearing battered sneakers, and forgetting not to say the F word. There’s always someone telling me I cuss too much. Or they’ll say I’m so quiet. Stop laughing. Haha. I’m actually a goofy chaotic tornado when I’m around people I enjoy. I’m simultaneously the mom of my friend group and the utterly unhinged one. I’ll keep you from bodily harm and getting arrested but otherwise all bets are off. To the people who always go “you’ll embarrass your kids!” They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Live your life on your terms and ignore all of the negative Nancy’s out there trying to hold you to their standards. They’re still a dumpster fire even if they spray perfume on it and look like everyone else. I’m going to go finish packing.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Sunshine

Some days you take over the world and other days you fall back to sleep. Today I fell back to sleep. Haha. Hello from a bright and sunny Ohio River Valley. I dunno this weather, you’d think it was summer or something. But my birthday was Friday, hello 46, so therefore today is the first day of Fall so hello spooky season. I say that like I’m not spending ten days laying on a Florida beach here in a week ish. I’m really looking forward to it. Not just because I’m seeing and spending time with some of my favorite people. But also, because it’s one of the few places on earth that feels like home.

I’ve been a lot of places and I’ve done at lot of things in my life. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve felt a lot over the years. The last time we went to Florida was the day Christian was released from the psych ward. I will always be grateful to Junie and Al because that first week did indeed take a village and it was really scary. Previous to his admission to the psych ward I’d been saying how badly I needed that vacation for the simple fact that I desperately needed peace. The week that we ended up having wasn’t bad, but it was very stressful. Such is the nature of the beast when it comes to mental health issues.

As many of you know my own mental health had taken a complete shit a year prior. So needless to say, I wasn’t in the right mindset to make any good decisions. I’d meant well, and my desperate need for peace was in the right place. It just wasn’t the peaceful experience I needed. So, I came home in a worst state than I had gone which is no one’s fault. Fast forward several years later and here we are. Mentally and emotionally we’re all in a different place that is so much healthier than ever before. This year we’re staying in the same place we originally had and that desperate need for peace isn’t a thing. I’ve found my peace. I’ve found my happiness and my spot to thrive in the world again.

My peace came at a very high price and I’ve more than paid my dues. But I have it. It’s mine and despite the sadness we all feel about Jax passing I’m in a good place. He’s always going to be the best part of the last four years. But I have even in his absence found my space to thrive and my ability to be okay alone. My tiny bestie, probably by complete accident taught me some coping skills that would make life so much easier. I mean lets be real you can’t be the emotional support bestie to someone this mentally ill without being a special bean. His name was Michael Jackson before he ever became mine. I opted to call him Jackson and Jax for short. He was the second MJ to change the trajectory of my life in a way that is timeless and irreplaceable. Jax saved my life. There’s no denying that he did. Many people, places, and things have had a tremendous impact on the last four years. I’m deeply grateful for every single thing. They make up all of the things that have led me to where I am right this second.

So we're all pretty stoked to be making this trip again together. There's not really an agenda but like I would ever stick to one anyway. haha. I'm lucky if I stick to getting up at a decent time honestly. I'm known for my habit of screwing up my own sleeping schedule rather spectacularly. Watch when I'm old I'll somehow become a morning person. Wouldn't that be a trip? Me out shopping before the sun comes up. That would just be incredibly bizarre and I'm pretty sure I'd have myself committed for that one. But on vacation if I want to stay up all night for funsies I'mma stay up all night for funsies. haha. I won't but I could. Though I will watch the sun go down every night just because I can.

As I sit here I can't help but be thankful that life turned out this way. There were so many other alternatives but here we are and it's really dope. Christian is now 27 years old. He's happy, healthy, and still the coolest kid on earth. Everyone is happy and thriving and I genuinely couldn't ask for more if I wanted to. Before we know it there will be a chill in the air and leaves blowing around after turning such vivid colors it boggles the mind. But for now I'm going to work on my packing list for Florida while trying to convince myself not to buy Fall candles. 

Next year, the next 5 years, or even longer from now. I'm going to look back on this blog on this day and recognize that this year has been a major turning point in my life. If 2020 is the year everything fell apart than 2024 is the year it all came back together. None of it was easy, but none of it was planned either. I can't look back and pinpoint where it all was supposed to change. I didn't know here was an option. It just kinda happened a lot like all of the really amazing things that happen unexpectedly. There are people, situations, and things I chose not to bring with me. But that's just kind of how growth and evolution happens. I love the friends I didn't bring but they didn't want to be brought either which is fair. I'm not sure bringing them would have benefitted either of us and some things are best left memories. Because in the grand scheme of things that's what they are and all they would ever be. 

In the past I loved and valued things that were bad for me. We all do. That's where lessons come from. I look back on things and no longer feel shame, anguish, or discontent. There are some things I look back on and congratulate myself on my decisions because they were hard ones. If doing the right thing was easy everyone would do it. But we don't because sometimes we have to learn what the right thing is via pain. I don't have all the answers in life and I don't know where I'll be next year. But there is a lot of beauty in just learning to love where your feet are planted. Mine just so happen to be planted in a place that makes me happy. I feel more like me than I ever have and I like me. It took me a long time to come to terms with a lot of things. But it was necessary for my mental health and wellbeing. Or well, I know it was now, then I was just confused and tired of dealing with it. Now I recognize that the only actions I'm responsible for are my own.

Someone is going to read that and take it as a personal attack. It's not and they're stupid but it's not something we can or should try to control. It's okay to let people be dumb lol. You don't have to be dumb with them. Instead you just keep blazing your path, the one that belongs to you. That's all you're responsible for. Tomorrow I'm going to go to work and be thankful that I love where my feet are planted. I hope your tomorrow is as great as you imagine. Afterall our now is built on what was dreams in the past. So it's only fitting that your today is the best it can be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Jokes

Happy Saturday aka Friday because I started early this week. It’s been a fun few weeks, and I’m honestly pretty happy with it. Halloween decorations are finding their way into stores, and we know how much I love that. I have Fall candles in my shopping cart just waiting for my birthday to pass. I mean we all know August is the start of spooky season. We’ll Aug 2^nd because the 1^st is the first anniversary of Jax's passing which we all know is going to destroy me. I’ll never forget sitting on my office floor deciding to let him go. I would give anything to go back to this day last year and snuggle him even more. If I could have done it differently, I would have stuck him in my luggage and taken him with me. But hindsight is 20/20 and we can’t get do-overs. When someone dies, they’re legit gone and you can’t get that back.

So instead, we struggle through anniversaries and try to hang on to the good times and the things that made us smile when we were with them. I will always chuckle at Jax’s ponytails and the random haircuts he gave me when I slept next to him. He was indeed my tiny bestie and I loved him more than life. Hopefully, he’ll be spending this anniversary hopping around somewhere having the best possible time. He deserves that. He deserves an eternity being the happiest bunny he can be. He gave me so much. More than I will ever be able to express.

I swear every year I say the next year will be better than the current or the next year. Most of the time I’m pulling the wool over my own eyes. But this time, it was legitimate. So much has changed and yet everything feels the same. I think I’ve finally reached the point in time where things have stayed pretty steady for long enough that it has become normal. I mean some of it is abnormal by normal standards but for me it’s just how life is for me. Kinda like the pharmacy on my nightstand that keeps me sane for the most part. Some people look at it and feel or act weird about it. While I just look at it and remember to grab every med it’s time to take. I dunno. I don’t know that I resent them anymore. They have indeed just become part of my normal because that is my future and it’s really great to have reached that level of acceptance and growth where your mental health is concerned.

Losing weight has become a great thing because it makes me feel better mentally. I’m getting used to walking all over hell’s half-acre and rarely need pain meds anymore. I love that more than I can even put into words because it felt impossible for so long. I think in life we spend so much time in our heads and forget that we indeed can do that thing that felt impossible. I people like I didn’t think I could. I just live life and it feels like I’m starting to live. However, I still spend a lot of time at home because there isn’t anything I want to do. If I wanted to do something I’d go do it. This time last year that would never have been the case. This time last year I was still a shadow hiding from people and trying to fake it till I made it. Well, folks. I made it. I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m more content than I think I’ve ever been.

I mean don’t get me wrong I just looked at my phone notifications and said “fuck my life” when it wasn’t the notification I wanted. Haha. So, there’s def a long way to go until I get to perfection. Let's be real thought, I’m never getting to perfection, and pretty much by choice. Who wants to be perfect? I think it would be hella boring to have to always be on and watching every single thing you do. I’d just get bored and wander off and find some way to get myself into trouble. Or an adventure whichever way you want to look at it. It’s cool though.

I am often my own worst enemy, which seems to be the name of that game. I don’t love it anymore now that I did then. And sometimes my brain won’t stop doing worst-case scenarios and there’s not much I can do about that. But it’s part of the ride and sometimes when you ride it rains. You can’t always control your environment, but you can do your best to create an environment you can thrive in. I think I’ve done that. It doesn’t feel like that every day, but I’ve given it the best shot possible.

There will always be a part of me that doesn’t think I deserve love or happiness. But we all have that inner voice that's an asshole. haha. You just wanna go "Shush the grownups are talking." I don't know why that amuses me so much but it might be because my mind actually says that. I love it when I can laugh at some of the dumb stuff my brain does. You hear the terms high-functioning depression and high-functioning mania. You hear the term bipolar or even schizoaffective and you think someone should look some way or another. Like it only happens to XYZ even though that's a completely false view. This stuff happens to everyone. I don't look like someone who just has to be mentally ill. I just look like any other 45-year-old doing her thing. That's probably because that's exactly what I am. I'm just a normal human doing normal human things even with my meds. So remember kids, don't judge the person next to you because they could be just as cool as you are. Or crazy. Depending on what energy you really want to put out in the world. 

For all my bark I'm a marshmallow who will cry if you yell at her. haha. I've yet to figure out that magic formula that equals not being a marshmallow. I'm never going to be anything except my 5'5" self so I'm pretty sure scary is never happening. Whatever you do, put the energy into the world that you want to receive. You might get completely screwed over but put into the world what you want to receive anyway. Eventually, the universe has to return said energy back to us. May whatever energy you receive returned to you be exactly what you want it to be. Take that risk. It can only go two ways after all. It can either be an incredible success story or it can be a big lesson learned the hard way. I'll never regret all of the nights that turned into days. Nor will I ever regret loving people even though it got me burnt in the end. I'd rather be that person who loves without limits than the person afraid to fall. 

I dunno, I think thanks to my struggles with my mental health I just appreciate normal more than people think. I don't mind being the one who stands out in a crowd as long as I'm standing out for the right things. It's okay to not know all of the answers. Hell, half the time I don't even know what the question was. I probably would if I had paid attention but we both know I'm not good at that. 

Never regret doing the right thing even if you accidently did it for the wrong person.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~ 

Forever

Have you ever woken up; and just thought no thanks and went back to bed? That was me this morning. Nothing was wrong, it's just that sleep is amazing and I wanted more of it. It was a interesting week here and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I kind of love when things don't stay the same all the time though something can be said for the occasional bout of boredom. Junie and I have this thing where when we message each other if there's nothing much going on that day we talk about how much we love that there's not much going on. I feel like if there's a lot going on that it just makes the week stressful and I don't really enjoy it. Not that I like being bored mind you being, bored well kind of drives me insane. So it's more of the enjoyment of lack of drama. When nothing is going wrong it just feels so good. 

Mental health check, lol. Its been kinda up and down this week. I'm kind of mad about it. I don't understand as medicated as I am why I still sometimes cycle so hard. Or like where disassociating is like literally the only thing I want to do. My life is pretty dope I don't really know why I would want to escape it but apparently my mind still does the thing. I did have a psych appointment this week which was kind of cool. I'm still on the abilify and we're still trying to figure out what time of day for me to take it. I can say I've had fewer hallucinations and little delusions. 

Sometimes I think that we forget the simplistic beauty of just being able to chill. Being able to just be is such a powerful thing when it comes to realigning your mental health. Whether it be sitting outside getting some sun or sitting inside in the air conditioner because it's hot as fuck outside. Having time to just stop and breathe is so important and it's so balancing for your mind body and spirit. With that said I'm terrible at taking my own advice. But I'm sure none of you are surprised by that. 

Sometimes in life we put value where it shouldn't go and in people that don't deserve it. I've learned in recent months the beauty of not holding on to people who only add chaos. It's easy to get caught up in the things that are happening in our friends lives and the things that are important to our friends. And we should care about those things. Like you should never be mean, despiteful, or hateful toward a friend. You don't want to be casually disinterested in things that they love because that's also really hurtful. But there's a line that we have to remember and hold ourselves accountable when the people in our lives aren't bringing anything positive to the table. 

Mental health, friendships, and relationships are hard enough without extra difficulties. Sometimes we hold on to those relationships so hard that we forget that we're supposed to be letting them go. There is power and strength in knowing when to let go and having the courage to say I'm sorry this doesn't fit into my life in a positive way. Just because you love someone does not mean that you have to accept and or love the negativity or the difficult things in their life. We always want to be supportive even if what they're going through goes against our own morals and values. But that we shouldn't do.

You don't have to set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm. You don't have to dial down your expectations and dreams just because someone doesn't have the ability to see theirs. You're not responsible for what they do or don't see. It's not your job to save people because a lot of times people don't want to save themselves. It's kind of like having someone drowning in shallow water and the only thing they need to do is stand up but they refuse to. If someone refuses to put themselves first mentally, physically, and emotionally there isn't anything that you can do. You can't save people who are committed to refusing to change. And expecting someone to change does not mean that you're expecting them to become someone you want them to be. It's normal and healthy to look at a friend, or family member, that you love, and not understand why they don't want to change for the better. That's not for you to fix. 

Your responsibility ends long before then, they are the captain and the author of their own life. They've got to write their life however they see fit, and if the way that they're doing it is negative and harmful, you can't change that. You can't make someone want to change they have to want it themselves. Kind of like an alcoholic you can take the alcohol away from them, you can lecture them within an inch of their life. But unless they want to quit drinking they're going to find alcohol and they're going to drink it. Just because they know better doesn't mean that they want to do better. And we need to remember not to hold ourselves accountable for people who don't want to do better.

I'm very keenly aware of what it feels like to be that person in that position. There have been people in my life that are deeply painfully committed to making the wrong decisions. I don't know why they want to focus on the negative, do negative, but there's nothing that I can do about it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. So there comes a point when you have to just understand that you have two choices. You can stay and watch their downfall or you can love them and walk away. You don't have to be in everyone's storm. You can't save people from fate. You're not supposed to. The universe is going to do with the universe needs to do and standing in the way of that isn't helpful to anyone.

It's one of those if you knew better you'd do better. If you know better, do better, don't hold yourself accountable for something that's not yours to be accountable for. Some of this stuff is hard and I hate it. I really really hate it. I just want to shake people and ask them what the hell are they thinking. You can't do that. Those answers aren't always ours to have. And though it sucks your hands are pretty tied. I found myself in one of those situations this week and honestly it's very disheartening. I have fought so hard to be healthy, happy, and whole though I am facing some difficult things. It's only natural to wish people would fight for themselves as hard as we fight for ourselves. But unfortunately sometimes that's just not going to happen and you have to understand that and do what's best for you. 

Don't lose yourself in someone else's storm. Don't throw away your happiness mind, body, and soul for someone who wouldn't do it for you. Pick the people who choose you, and want to grow, and evolve with you. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Grapefruit

We have a little over a month before we head to Florida to spend time with our favorite people. I've never been this pale in my entire life so it's def needed. I think I say that every time before we go on vacation. It will be our first time back in a several years. Michael and I were talking and he never thought I'd be well enough to do it again but here we are. ☺ I did something else extremely cool this week. I think most people know I love fireworks. They're literally the best thing about summer for me. I haven't been able to see them for four very long years. When I tell you I sat their captivated by every single one I'm completely serious. It's really cool to once again be out and about doing some of the things I really love. 

This week I learned that a small grapefruit is the same size as one pound of fat. So I've lost 14 grapefruit so far. I don't know why that amuses me so much but it does. I shall forever refer to pounds as grapefruit from now on. Eating has gotten easier though I still don't have much of an appetite. The hallucinations continue to get less frequent which is wonderful. But I'm also hella distracted by the silence haha. So I'm sure I will eventually get used to it and it'll just be the normal thing. I do still startle really easily but I'm enjoying the whole process.

I had a couple of conversations this week around mental illness. Some were amazing that flowed really well and we got to love and learn about each other. There were also those people with all the opinions and none of the actual knowledge. I don’t think I will ever get used to people’s inability to do research. Instead, they parrot what they’ve been told and accept it as fact. Because their best friends, brothers’ college roommates, aunts, cousins’ goldfish were diagnosed with depression or bipolar. They think that the sole person is all knowing and that’s just not true. I wish it was that simple, but it isn’t. No mental illness is a catch all and it affects everyone differently. There are tons of meds out there because so many people deal with things in different ways. But there are some ugly parts to having a serious mental illness. People don’t always want to talk about it because it’s depressing.

We all know I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar when I was 24 years old during my first manic episode. But what some people don’t realize is 24 years old was not when my mental health problems began. I am now the calmest I’ve ever been. As I’ve gotten older my fuse has gotten longer which is a benefit to us all. But I have dealt with self-harm, rage issues, and reckless behavior my whole life. I have a notoriously wicked temper that has a razor-sharp streak of meanness going through it.

As a kid when I got mad, I’d throw stuff, punch walls, doors, dressers, you name it. If it was near me, it would have been a projectile. I've had pretty noticable rage issues my whole life. I’ve self-inflicted harm on myself my entire life. If my hair or something didn’t turn out right, I’d relentlessly smack myself in the head with my brush until I either cried or just stopped caring. Punching stuff was the norm for me. The outside of our house growing up was stucco, oh and one wall inside. The entirety of my hands is pretty much a scar. If I was mad, I used to punch the stucco for fun. My hands were always bloody and bruised. If I wasn’t punching stuff, I would stick needles and thumb tacks in my ears, legs, and arms.

I lived like I wasn’t afraid to die because I wasn’t afraid to die. Have I physically hurt people I love when I was mad? I have. I hate that. I hate being that person but it’s one of the reasons I now refuse to be around anyone when I lose that oh so tight grip on my temper. Because my temper is so violent I am that person that will 100% of the time walk away and think things over before the conversation is continued. If we're arguing and I go to walk away and you won't let me leave you get what you deserve. Don't corner someone who has a violent temper unless you want to deal with it. 

I was that kid other parents didn’t want their kids around and rightfully so. I have many visible scars I put there myself. Mental illness isn’t just depression. Mental illness is an ugly beast. No one is as good at ruining my life as I am. I’ve always tended to self-destruct. That’s been a constant in my life, my entire life. If you took my meds away I 100% would very spectacularly self-destruct. Because it’s one of the things I do best. I hate that about myself but there’s no point lying to myself about it.

The other day someone said they forget I deal with mental illness because in their eyes I handle it well. I think that depends on what you think mental illness looks like. I’m not normal. I don’t have a normal person’s brain. I’m probably never going to react or handle things the way people think I would or should. I mask a lot. It’s almost impossible to tell how I’m actually feeling by looking at me. Its just something I do without thinking. I’ve spent my life struggling with my mental health and conforming to an appearance of “normalcy.” That’s the reality for many people who have some form of mental illness. Very, very little of it is easily understood by people who aren’t mentally ill. It’s just not relatable to people who haven’t experienced it in real time.

The biology of my brain is different from a “normal” person. We’ll use this in a general sense though it’s an actual for me. People with bipolar (and other serious mental illnesses) typically have a larger than normal hypothalamus. The hypothalamus regulates mood, sleep, hunger and thirst, heart rate, and body temperature. Our hippocampus shrinks a lot. The hippocampus controls emotion regulation, memory and recall, depression, paranoia, frustration, and irritability. So many things about my brain work differently than a “normal” person. Mental illness is a physical illness. We react to stress and stimuli differently and it’s not always a good difference. Then you throw in trauma, and you find that my brain doesn’t even have the correct neuropathways established. Those are things I need to learn and let my brain create.

Please do your research before diagnosing someone or attaching incorrect labels on people. Speaking incorrectly in terms of mental illness is not only missleading but harmful. It's far more productive to just ask them open ended questions so you can learn their viewpoint. Because honestly it doesn't matter what someone's diagnosis is. It doesn't change the person they are or the many amazing traits they have. We're all just people doing our best on this giant floating rock. 

I'm still me. This is what I've been my entire life. It's important to remember that the person you know and love is the same person they were before they were diagnosed. I don't necessarily think the same as I did before my brain got sick. But that is this crazy thing called personal growth. It changes everyone over time. Becoming a better version of ourselves is a really cool thing. It's even cooler when you get to do it in front of a bunch of amazing peeps. 

~Until next time, be good to each other, and love each other honestly.~