Some days you take over the world and other days you fall back to sleep. Today I fell back to sleep. Haha. Hello from a bright and sunny Ohio River Valley. I dunno this weather, you’d think it was summer or something. But my birthday was Friday, hello 46, so therefore today is the first day of Fall so hello spooky season. I say that like I’m not spending ten days laying on a Florida beach here in a week ish. I’m really looking forward to it. Not just because I’m seeing and spending time with some of my favorite people. But also, because it’s one of the few places on earth that feels like home.
I’ve been a lot of places and I’ve done at lot of things
in my life. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve felt a lot over the years. The last time
we went to Florida was the day Christian was released from the psych ward. I
will always be grateful to Junie and Al because that first week did indeed take
a village and it was really scary. Previous to his admission to the psych ward
I’d been saying how badly I needed that vacation for the simple fact that I desperately
needed peace. The week that we ended up having wasn’t bad, but it was very
stressful. Such is the nature of the beast when it comes to mental health
issues.
As many of you know my own mental health had taken a complete
shit a year prior. So needless to say, I wasn’t in the right mindset to make any
good decisions. I’d meant well, and my desperate need for peace was in the
right place. It just wasn’t the peaceful experience I needed. So, I came home
in a worst state than I had gone which is no one’s fault. Fast forward several
years later and here we are. Mentally and emotionally we’re all in a different
place that is so much healthier than ever before. This year we’re staying in
the same place we originally had and that desperate need for peace isn’t a
thing. I’ve found my peace. I’ve found my happiness and my spot to thrive in
the world again.
My peace came at a very high price and I’ve more than
paid my dues. But I have it. It’s mine and despite the sadness we all feel
about Jax passing I’m in a good place. He’s always going to be the best part of
the last four years. But I have even in his absence found my space to thrive
and my ability to be okay alone. My tiny bestie, probably by complete accident
taught me some coping skills that would make life so much easier. I mean lets
be real you can’t be the emotional support bestie to someone this mentally ill
without being a special bean. His name was Michael Jackson before he ever
became mine. I opted to call him Jackson and Jax for short. He was the second MJ
to change the trajectory of my life in a way that is timeless and irreplaceable.
Jax saved my life. There’s no denying that he did. Many people, places, and
things have had a tremendous impact on the last four years. I’m deeply grateful
for every single thing. They make up all of the things that have led me to
where I am right this second.
So we're all pretty stoked to be making this trip again together. There's not really an agenda but like I would ever stick to one anyway. haha. I'm lucky if I stick to getting up at a decent time honestly. I'm known for my habit of screwing up my own sleeping schedule rather spectacularly. Watch when I'm old I'll somehow become a morning person. Wouldn't that be a trip? Me out shopping before the sun comes up. That would just be incredibly bizarre and I'm pretty sure I'd have myself committed for that one. But on vacation if I want to stay up all night for funsies I'mma stay up all night for funsies. haha. I won't but I could. Though I will watch the sun go down every night just because I can.
As I sit here I can't help but be thankful that life turned out this way. There were so many other alternatives but here we are and it's really dope. Christian is now 27 years old. He's happy, healthy, and still the coolest kid on earth. Everyone is happy and thriving and I genuinely couldn't ask for more if I wanted to. Before we know it there will be a chill in the air and leaves blowing around after turning such vivid colors it boggles the mind. But for now I'm going to work on my packing list for Florida while trying to convince myself not to buy Fall candles.
Next year, the next 5 years, or even longer from now. I'm going to look back on this blog on this day and recognize that this year has been a major turning point in my life. If 2020 is the year everything fell apart than 2024 is the year it all came back together. None of it was easy, but none of it was planned either. I can't look back and pinpoint where it all was supposed to change. I didn't know here was an option. It just kinda happened a lot like all of the really amazing things that happen unexpectedly. There are people, situations, and things I chose not to bring with me. But that's just kind of how growth and evolution happens. I love the friends I didn't bring but they didn't want to be brought either which is fair. I'm not sure bringing them would have benefitted either of us and some things are best left memories. Because in the grand scheme of things that's what they are and all they would ever be.
In the past I loved and valued things that were bad for me. We all do. That's where lessons come from. I look back on things and no longer feel shame, anguish, or discontent. There are some things I look back on and congratulate myself on my decisions because they were hard ones. If doing the right thing was easy everyone would do it. But we don't because sometimes we have to learn what the right thing is via pain. I don't have all the answers in life and I don't know where I'll be next year. But there is a lot of beauty in just learning to love where your feet are planted. Mine just so happen to be planted in a place that makes me happy. I feel more like me than I ever have and I like me. It took me a long time to come to terms with a lot of things. But it was necessary for my mental health and wellbeing. Or well, I know it was now, then I was just confused and tired of dealing with it. Now I recognize that the only actions I'm responsible for are my own.
Someone is going to read that and take it as a personal attack. It's not and they're stupid but it's not something we can or should try to control. It's okay to let people be dumb lol. You don't have to be dumb with them. Instead you just keep blazing your path, the one that belongs to you. That's all you're responsible for. Tomorrow I'm going to go to work and be thankful that I love where my feet are planted. I hope your tomorrow is as great as you imagine. Afterall our now is built on what was dreams in the past. So it's only fitting that your today is the best it can be.
~Until next time, be good to each other.~