The Impossible

 In a couple of days, 2024 will come to a close and everyone will have shiny new resolutions to break. I’m of course still going to be the hot mess you already know and love. I think last year I may have set hopes for the coming year. I’m going to do that again this year, I think. Armed with my lucky veggie pork and sauerkraut of course. I still don’t know where that tradition comes from exactly. But I love sauerkraut so you will hear no complaints from me. My neighbors might mind but I’m still making it. Though I kinda hope it’s not 5000 degrees when I make it. Why does it feel like spring outside? I swear I will die on the hill that Ohio is more bipolar than I am. Okay stop laughing that’s mean. Haha.

The week between Christmas and New Year is so confusing. If I get any more tired, I will sleep until the new year shows up. Does anyone know what we are supposed to be doing right now? Cause I have no idea. I do know I had to work, and my brain was 99.9% absent. I’m still not sure when I’m expected to be in the office next. The last time I saw my boss he said eh you figure it out. So apparently, I can go back whenever I want to? Don’t offer me time to not wear shoes, sir. I will take it and live there. Shoes and bras are the root of all evil and should be ignored as long as humanly possible. Tho I am starting to wonder if my feet have forgotten that dress shoes are a thing. So, the new year will be exciting for everything but my feet. Haha.

Mental health-wise, it’s been pretty quiet on that front, so I’m kind of afraid to poke it. So, we’ll just pat it and back away quietly, so we don’t anger it. I’m going into the new year as medically stable as I have been in literal years. My bipolar has decided that it can indeed keep its hands in the cart at all times. It hasn’t played tug a war with my emotions as often, so we’ll take that as a solid win. I still think jumping off of a bridge sounds good at times. But ya know if my brain isn’t a little spicy at times it wouldn’t be my brain.

So, what exactly do I want to happen in 2025? I don’t really know. I know I want to stay happy, stay medically stable, and take over the world. Kidding. No taking over the world for me. That’s way too much pressure and I’m kinda lazy. I can’t even imagine half of the amazing things that could happen. I’m at a point in life where I’m just happy to have a seat at the big kid's table. For so long I felt like my life was at the mercy of my mental health and to a degree it is. But it doesn’t feel much like that anymore. Now it kinda feels like I get to build my life day by day and I like it better that way. It’s nice to feel some semblance of control return to my life. I know I’ve held the key the entire time but sometimes that key felt lost. Now it feels like it’s in the pocket of my backpack with the rest of the keys. There’s a freedom in that. A freedom I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again but here we are. Sometimes it feels like all things do is fall apart until they start falling back together. It’s incredibly dope to watch things fall back together knowing they’re actually going to stay together.

Half of life is surviving the other half is believing in the impossible. I used to be really good at believing in the impossible and just waiting for cool stuff to happen. Then I wasn’t and the entire world scared the living shit out of me. Let's be honest sometimes it still scares the shit out of me. But a big thing I want to take into 2025 is hope. Hope I’ve learned is where the belief in the impossible resides. Sure, you can think you're entitled to something you aren’t. There’s always room for error. But hope is the key that unlocks the possibility of everything good happening. Yes, hard work is important, and it does play a big part in big things coming to fruition. But if you didn’t hope they could you wouldn’t be working so hard to make it happen. So, half of life is trying to stay afloat, and the other half is manifesting that dope thing you are working hard to achieve. If I learned anything in 2024 it’s not to laugh in the direction of manifestation, it will laugh at you. Because you can manifest bad things. You can spend so much time stuck in your negativity and self-doubt that you manifest those things. It’s scary to hope. It’s scary to fall in love. It’s scary to plan your future. But the underlying story is hope. You hope because your heart wants it. You believe because your heart needs it. You make it because your mind knew it could.

So, while we write those fancy shiny New Year’s resolutions don’t forget to add a dash of hope. Add some “I wills” and sprinkle in a bunch of “it happened.” Set yourself up for success by believing success is an option and not a possibility. This time next year you might just close the year out as impressed as I am today. The universe definitely knew what it was doing. I didn’t so much but it had it all planned out. So, I won’t go into the new year with any resolutions. But I am going with a bunch of hope and some pretty nifty plans for the future. See you there.

~Until next time, be kind to each other.`

Are you ready?

Christmas is in a couple of days, it’s super cold, and of course, we have no snow. I remember it being snowy and stuff on Christmas as a kid. Now we’re lucky if we get snow every 10^th Christmas. Which is slightly inconvenient since Christmas is the only time I want snow. Am I ready for Christmas? Nope lol. It would be the end of the world if I had my life together before Christmas. The benefit of having grown kids is I can wrap whenever I feel like it. Read that as throw things in gift bags. Haha. I bought for my future son-in-law’s little boy this year and learned something about myself. I would buy the entire toy store if I could afford it. That and the clothing department because the little jumpers are so cute. Before anyone goes OMG son-in-law. They’ve been together several years so in my mind he’s been my son-in-law for a long time. Haha. It’s just one of those you’re family now things.

The life front has been interesting and incredibly cool. Mental health-wise it’s been a fairly uneventful couple of weeks. I had two new hallucinations but genuinely can’t remember what they were. So, thank you Invega. I had a coworker come into my office the other day to chat. I didn’t really know her well though any interactions we have had were cool. I’m a chill person who respects everyone until I have a reason not to. Even then I’m still polite and professional because duh I need my paycheck. But it was cool and for her kinda comforting when she started talking about her mom having hallucinations and them being super stressful. That I was able to volunteer that I struggled with them as well. I very much appreciate being able to help people when I can. I gave her some tips and tricks that I was taught by my med doc to try. She sent me a message yesterday telling me they worked well for them. So that was really dope. I’m glad they helped both of them because hallucinations are a bummer sometimes and even I have had meltdowns over them. But overall everything with my mental health has been gravy.

I ate brownies for lunch because I was left unsupervised and no one told me no. haha. I mean being an adult has to have perks, right? If I’ve learned anything the last couple of weeks is that the universe is incredibly good to me. There are a lot of things that happened in 2024 that I didn’t have on my bingo card. There things I wanted but not things I ever thought were on tap. The last couple of days I’ve looked back and I just cannot believe how cool this year has been. Coming into 2024 I only knew that the later half of 2023 had been hopeful and that good life things were starting to finally fall back into place. So I was optimistic without any real definite goals besides my job and spending as much time as possible being the best mom I could be.

Honestly, the universe said hold my bag because 2024 is going to blow your mind and it did. At this point I’m just here like okay universe guide me in 2025. When my manic hit in 2020 my life as you know basically burned to the ground. Those first years were simply people trying to keep me alive and trying to fix my brain. But somewhere along this road some really great things happened. I’ve noticed the people around me being much more outspoken about their mental health. They’ve shared more, and shown a lot more compassion to the world around them. They’ve worked incredibly hard to build supportive networks and I’m so proud of them. I have no words for how amazed and blessed I feel to be part of their community. I’ve watched my life rebuild brick by brick in ways I never could have imagined. I have the utmost respect for those who handed me bricks and those who helped me figure out how to lay them. I’m deeply grateful for the amazing people who took a risk and gave me a chance. It takes a village and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, they’re full of shit.

Having a village requires us to speak up and let people know we need help. I know there is this weird belief that in order to be successful, you don’t tell people anything personal. But that’s not true. Your success sometimes depends on letting people know you need help getting there. Are there going to be people you don’t bring with you? Of course, there are. Boundaries are a big part of being successful emotionally. You might be thinking, what does being emotionally successful even mean? It means being happy, peaceful, and comfortable in your mind and emotions. The most amazing thing you can do is like who you are. Perfect doesn’t equal happiness. It equals being dishonest with yourself and the people around you. It’s okay to be a hot mess. People will still love you. The people who love you at your worst are actually the ones who love you best.

Going into 2025 I don’t have a game plan. I’ve learned that the best things happen for you when you’re open to whatever could happen. There are things I hope will happen, but I’m not committed to them being the only thing that can happen. Mostly I just want to be happy and I very much am. I’m truly medically stable for the first time in almost five years. I’ve lived alone for ten months and still love it. I love my little apartment and my comfort space. I got a full-sized tree this year and it’s beautiful. I’m going to go to bed tonight in my bed with my blankies, england, and this really cute pumpkin pillow I got at Halloween. Jax is chilling on my vanity, and I love having him in our new place. I wish he was hopping around it but that’s okay. I’m learning to be okay with things that seem impossible. And I’m learning slowly that when it’s time for things in life to fall in place they will.

I’m also learning that some futures are meant to be built on the ashes of one that burned to the ground. Not every failure is actually a failure in the grand scheme of life. So maybe next time it falls apart, believe it can also fall back together. Because not only can it but it will. It won’t happen overnight, and you’ll amass a village but that’s how it’s supposed to happen. Futures are built day by day and I hope 2025 gives you a million reasons to smile. I hope it gives you everything you need and helps you build a solid foundation for the future you will build brick by brick.

Happy Holiday’s everyone! If you’re spending the holiday alone just remember you aren’t truly alone. You are loved, and cherished, and you are the coolest person alive in someone's eyes.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Marshmallows

I don’t know who ordered winter, but I need you to come get it. What part of not wanting to sweat on my way to work equaled being plopped down in the arctic tundra? Kidding I’m happy to see snow even if freezing my nose off is a daily thing. I actually did some black Friday shopping, shocker I know, but I did it from my beanbag chair. So, I’m not entirely sure if that actually counts. I’m sure it probably wasn’t actually a deal but when the gift inspiration hits, we go with it. That was after we vegged out and ate pizza of course. No one should shop on an empty stomach. That’s how you end up buying the entire snack food aisle.

I started taking my Adderall again Friday since it was finally back in stock. I swear I wish this Adderall shortage would be a thing of the past. At any rate, I have the concentration of a surgeon currently. I forget how chaotic my brain is without it. And I get a lot more done without having to go on fifteen different side quests all while trying to do one thing. Like I actually focused and cleaned the entire house in one day. Instead of taking a week and still having little mess piles everywhere. I’m not sure what’s up with the mess piles because clutter stresses me out. But apparently, my brain is only so capable of organizing. Am I going to do something about it? Probably not. So, I guess it doesn’t bother me that much. Haha.

People genuinely baffle me. Mostly their lack of self-awareness and honesty with themselves. A long time ago I decided to keep certain things to myself to protect people. I now know it was the wrong decision, and I get that. I will right that wrong. But something about me is I’m the same person online as I am offline. There’s no smoke and mirrors, I don’t talk about my entire life online because the people I love deserve their privacy. I’ve talked before in length about my kid’s decision to stay out of the public spotlight. I don’t talk about where I work, where I live, or the details of my everyday life. Trust me, it’s boring lol. There are boundaries in place for us just like there are all of you. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. It’s to maintain a healthy parasocial relationship and keep everyone safe.

So, it’s weird to me when someone, or someone’s, infers themselves into things that aren’t public. I write you life-based stories and I love doing it. But it’s still a parasocial relationship unless you know me in regular life. And even then, there is an area of carryover where irl people do weird things. There’s also this thing called projection where for whatever reason people project facts and personality traits onto me that aren’t actually mine. I’m a very happy and well-adjusted human being who loves who I am. When I tell you who I am, and you tell me I’m lying I don’t know what to tell you. No matter how you twist your projection onto me it’s still going to be your projection and not me. My peace has been hard earned and I am very much a self-made person. I’m endlessly honest about my faults and flaws, I have many. I have no reason to lie about them, or myself, to you or myself. I have told the details of my life and been polygraphed on them, not once, but twice. I have nothing to hide.

I’m the same giant dork in real life as I am on here. I made my animal crackers dance before I ate them today. I will 100% forget why I walked into a room but know the lyrics of dozens of songs by heart. I’ll never be considered a success by anyone’s expectations. I can barely afford to live let alone own a home. I’ve struggled with my mental health my entire life. These aren’t tales, this is my literal reality, and though it’s hard a lot of the time. I love my life. I’ve climbed some incredible mountains and felt some incredible pain. I’m proud of myself for working so hard to find a will to live with a body that just begs to die. Part of that is putting boundaries in place and holding people accountable. Those boundaries don’t just apply to other people. They apply to me even more than they do to other people.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve chosen to remain silent on topics I never should have been silent about. That’s going to change, on my terms, because it’s my story to tell. There are burned bridges I’m never going to repair because they should have been burned decades ago. We aren’t born knowing all the right answers and sometimes our love for others is at the cost of ourselves. So, after a very long time, I’m finally choosing me. I’m choosing me and my mental health so that I can really dig the next I dunno 30 years Ish before I croke. If I have to be alive and all gazillion of you demand it. Haha. I owe it to myself to live a life I’m at peace with. It took me a long time to get here but here I am.

There’s always going to be people in your life that don’t want you to change. Make sure you aren’t one of them.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~