I don’t know who ordered winter, but I need you to come get it. What part of not wanting to sweat on my way to work equaled being plopped down in the arctic tundra? Kidding I’m happy to see snow even if freezing my nose off is a daily thing. I actually did some black Friday shopping, shocker I know, but I did it from my beanbag chair. So, I’m not entirely sure if that actually counts. I’m sure it probably wasn’t actually a deal but when the gift inspiration hits, we go with it. That was after we vegged out and ate pizza of course. No one should shop on an empty stomach. That’s how you end up buying the entire snack food aisle.
I started
taking my Adderall again Friday since it was finally back in stock. I swear I
wish this Adderall shortage would be a thing of the past. At any rate, I have
the concentration of a surgeon currently. I forget how chaotic my brain is
without it. And I get a lot more done without having to go on fifteen different
side quests all while trying to do one thing. Like I actually focused and
cleaned the entire house in one day. Instead of taking a week and still having
little mess piles everywhere. I’m not sure what’s up with the mess piles
because clutter stresses me out. But apparently, my brain is only so capable of
organizing. Am I going to do something about it? Probably not. So, I guess it
doesn’t bother me that much. Haha.
People
genuinely baffle me. Mostly their lack of self-awareness and honesty with
themselves. A long time ago I decided to keep certain things to myself to
protect people. I now know it was the wrong decision, and I get that. I will
right that wrong. But something about me is I’m the same person online as I am
offline. There’s no smoke and mirrors, I don’t talk about my entire life online
because the people I love deserve their privacy. I’ve talked before in length
about my kid’s decision to stay out of the public spotlight. I don’t talk about
where I work, where I live, or the details of my everyday life. Trust me, it’s
boring lol. There are boundaries in place for us just like there are all of you.
There’s nothing at all wrong with that. It’s to maintain a healthy parasocial
relationship and keep everyone safe.
So, it’s
weird to me when someone, or someone’s, infers themselves into things that aren’t
public. I write you life-based stories and I love doing it. But it’s still a
parasocial relationship unless you know me in regular life. And even then,
there is an area of carryover where irl people do weird things. There’s also
this thing called projection where for whatever reason people project facts and
personality traits onto me that aren’t actually mine. I’m a very happy and well-adjusted
human being who loves who I am. When I tell you who I am, and you tell me I’m
lying I don’t know what to tell you. No matter how you twist your projection
onto me it’s still going to be your projection and not me. My peace has been
hard earned and I am very much a self-made person. I’m endlessly honest about
my faults and flaws, I have many. I have no reason to lie about them, or
myself, to you or myself. I have told the details of my life and been polygraphed
on them, not once, but twice. I have nothing to hide.
I’m the same giant
dork in real life as I am on here. I made my animal crackers dance before I ate
them today. I will 100% forget why I walked into a room but know the lyrics of
dozens of songs by heart. I’ll never be considered a success by anyone’s expectations.
I can barely afford to live let alone own a home. I’ve struggled with my mental
health my entire life. These aren’t tales, this is my literal reality, and
though it’s hard a lot of the time. I love my life. I’ve climbed some incredible
mountains and felt some incredible pain. I’m proud of myself for working so
hard to find a will to live with a body that just begs to die. Part of that is
putting boundaries in place and holding people accountable. Those boundaries
don’t just apply to other people. They apply to me even more than they do to other
people.
I’ve made
mistakes. I’ve chosen to remain silent on topics I never should have been
silent about. That’s going to change, on my terms, because it’s my story to
tell. There are burned bridges I’m never going to repair because they should
have been burned decades ago. We aren’t born knowing all the right answers and
sometimes our love for others is at the cost of ourselves. So, after a very long
time, I’m finally choosing me. I’m choosing me and my mental health so that I
can really dig the next I dunno 30 years Ish before I croke. If I have to be alive
and all gazillion of you demand it. Haha. I owe it to myself to live a life I’m
at peace with. It took me a long time to get here but here I am.
There’s
always going to be people in your life that don’t want you to change. Make sure
you aren’t one of them.
~Until next
time, be good to each other.~