Tatoes

 It snowed again last night so apparently, Mother Nature is more bipolar than I am. Because I walked home from work the other day in a T-shirt. I was so confused when I saw the weather forecast because I'm gonna be dodging severe storms and rivers next week. Like what? haha. I love Ohio and all of its insanity.

This week was a pretty good one for the most part. My sleep has been a little questionable but some weeks are like that. I've not had a lot of motivation to do stuff around the apartment. But I did finally get my stuff done this morning but it took me all week. Well except laundry because that monster duplicates for funsies. So that's still in process. Moving is a big mental process for everyone and I think we all have weeks where our brains peace out for a minute. So I wasn't particularly worried about it. I did take the trash out though my anxiety was screaming at me. Gotta do the little things because they do indeed add up to big things. Well and if you have rapid cycling bipolar like me you have to give yourself extra grace while your brain cycles through the adjustment. Yes though medicated I can still feel my bipolar cycle. Obviously, without meds, it's completely debilitating but with meds, it's tolerable for the most part.

When people ask me how I tolerate it the honest answer is I'm used to it to a degree. Recovery, learning to live in my head as it is now, and the meds are a process that's been happening for a long while. Sometimes people insinuate that if I had gotten help before things got so bad there would have been a different outcome. Or they ask why none of the people in my life saw the signs before it got to that point. Please understand that no one failed me. Not a single person I love, spend time around or even work with failed me. I didn't fail me either. My brain just said ope we aren't going to make enough serotonin, norepinephrine, and whatnot to handle things anymore out of nowhere. 

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in a kind of savior complex that they fail to acknowledge that some things are inevitable. My brain was going to do what it did regardless. People say 'Well if you were already on meds it wouldn't have been as bad." While that is sound logic it's unrealistic for a couple of reasons. The first being that I wasn't on meds and hadn't been for over a decade because I didn't need them. I hadn't had any big manics or issues requiring them since I was 30 years old. I'd had mild manics that weren't disruptive or affected my quality of life. So there wasn't any real reason to be on them. Second, there's no emergency switch that tells the doc what meds and dosages you're going to need beforehand. Stuff just happens sometimes and all you can do is go from there. 

It's unfair to blame people for being "negligent." These people are amazing human beings that I love endlessly. I would take a bullet for them and they me. I see no realistic way that this major manic could feasibility have been prevented. Remember not every person with bipolar ever experiences major manics in their lifetime. If anything blame the trauma that led to my PTSD and environmental bipolar to begin with. But not my people because they don't deserve it. If anything they deserve a medal for loving me so intensely. From day one there was a line of people asking how they could help. My phone lit up with texts or DMs day and night with people checking in. And they've all stood by me all this time. Some of my friends on social media didn't find out right away. But as soon as they did I was also wrapped up in their love.

I know not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have the incredible support system I have. Some people were failed tremendously by the people around them and it's absolutely tragic. And if you are one of those people my heart goes out to you. 

In the early days, I was telling my psych doc how everyone thought I was so strong. And how much it made me hate myself because I felt broken instead of strong. She said expecting someone to be strong is expecting them to fail. Letting someone be weak is the only way to set them up for success. There's this weird societal pressure and demand of worth being tied to the word strong. It's almost an excuse for people to use. Like when people say "You got this." I just looked at her kinda baffled. She elaborated by saying "But what if you don't have it?" I just kind of laughed and said isn't me not having it why I'm here? She nodded. If you can learn to let someone be weak in their weakness then you're being fair to them. But if you expect someone to be strong when they are weak then you set a bar that they cannot achieve. So you set them up for failure before they even try to succeed.

There's a big difference between people thinking you are strong and them expecting you to be strong.

Kinda mind blowing isn't it?

My psych doctor usually starts the visits with "Do you feel like dying today?" And I'll say yes, we know the answer will probably never be no. She'll say are we gonna? I almost always respond with "Eh maybe not." She knows exactly what that means. If I say yes it's a different set of questions and an immediate med adjustment. By allowing me to be weak when I feel weak or small gives me the ability to choose to be strong. And if I can't figure out how to be strong in that moment then she takes over and leads. Me taking my meds is optional we all recognize my willingness to try represents something important. It's not always strength, sometimes it's resignation. Most of the time I take them out of duty because it's fair to the people who love me. That's not strength, it's love and compassion. 

Another common conversation is me saying I want to die, someone looking at me and saying well you aren't going to tho, and I end up just sighing, saying fine. Then I go do whatever I was supposed to be doing. I think I might be a toddler in that aspect. haha. I'm like okay, well fine, I guess I'll go be productive since you said no. You know that saying follow your heart but take your brain with you? I'm a follow your heart but bring your sense of humor with you. Because I will joke about my mental health. I don't know why. It's just how I cope with pretty much everything. I guess I should go attend to the laundry monster or toss it on the floor cause it's clear. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

*blog name just because I'm hungry. 😂Love ya's

An Uncomfortable Truth

 It's snowing in the Ohio Valley and I think a certain groundhog lied. Shhhhh. I know it's going to get warm again it's just the principle of it. haha. So how's everyone doing? It's been a busy last couple of weeks in my world. Good ones, all good, but busy. I moved last weekend and now have a gazillion and 5 bruises everywhere. So ya know, just looking like a crime scene, no biggie. I have one more thing to put together and then I'm done with putting together furniture. I'm pretty sure my boxes had baby boxes because the cardboard pile is unexpectedly quite large. So I'll be dragging that downstairs at some point once my legs forgive me for walking all over hell's half-acre. Also for dragging heavy stuff upstairs every day. But work is done for today, dinner is in the air fryer, and I'm chilling. Still pretty salty at the thumbtacks I used to put up my fairy lights for abusing my thumbs but it's cool.

This week some of you really smashed on that piss Belle off button. I think when you're around someone for so long you kind of get used to the evolved version of them. So for a lot of you, I'm a blogger who mind vomits day in the life stuff or life lessons once a week. But back before I was her to you, I was me to music. The evolution of my writing career both for fun and as a job isn't where I started online. It's not the purpose of my social media, it's not the purpose of Bachfan20, Justafan, or Bell29, or the reason you know they exist/existed. I know here in 2024, sixteen years after I wrote my first entry on this blog, there are a lot of people who know who I am because of this blog. There are also a ton of you who met me at concerts, on message boards, in fan clubs, artist blogs, or promoting music. We crossed paths because we love the same artist or artists. We've interacted in one of those spaces at some point in the last 20 years. We hung out, became friends, and shared some incredible memories.

Before there was this blog there was Myspace, Cafemom, and Associated Content. Before all that, before social media, I was one of the millions of kids who watched their hero be massacred by the media unable to do anything to stop it. It's why I wanted to be part of the backend of the music business. Yes, I love music more than air. Sure I have musical talent but it's not what I wanted to utilize. I, thanks to watching that destruction have a heart for people. I have the need to research people, headlines, media posts, etc. I watched the media machine build up and destroy one of the most talented people who will probably ever live. His legacy stretches far and wide, and the impact he made will never fade, for us, the kids who grew up captivated. The ones who made our personality judgments on the person and not the media circus. Racism is very much alive and well. They built up this little black kid, discarded the teenager, and did everything they could to destroy the adult. They succeeded. Let's not mince words, they got what they wanted. And they still get what they want at the expense of people who don't deserve to be fed to the machine.

I went into the backend of the music industry to make a difference. To give a heart to people no one would stop to hear. There is no place lonelier than fame. The bigger the star the bigger the target and the more intense the isolation. The OGs will remember we had this conversation also in regards to JB. Which was something that was really highlighted during his Purpose tour. Being the person people scream at means there's never any communication. Running up and sticking your camera in someone's face for a selfie doesn't equal a conversation. It's lonely as fuck at the top. You have people stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world but no one seeing them. People fall in love with the image and the idea of them. But no one cares about the person inside the image. To quote the late Robin Williams, "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." You can be so dedicated to loving an image that you miss the actual person. These people aren't zoo animals but they are treated like them.

That. That is why I wanted to be the person who comes in direct contact with the artists. Because even if only for that brief interaction, whether in person or online, to be the one who makes them feel seen. 

I can't believe in 2024 we are still feeding a media machine we know intentionally abuses and manipulates people. You could be innocent as a newborn baby but trust and believe you will be found guilty in the court of public opinion. I've had people say, "Well why is it still a thing then?" I'm going to be really real with you right now. It's still a thing because you buy it, you click it, you share it, and you contribute to the problem and not the solution. 

You are their cash cow. Let that sink in. 

The media makes a fortune off of sensational intentional images, and descriptions, counting on you to be gullible enough to believe it without doing any research. Their entire point is sensationalism and revenue not the health, happiness, or legacy of the artists you love. They count on people then repeating the same false information to others so when their next intentionally deceptive headline hits you're grabbing that one too. 

If you stopped mindlessly consuming they wouldn't have a job. If people did research instead of perpetuating the media bullshit as fact media outlets would panic. They'd be done. But society for whatever reason is completely blind to this issue. It's a generational issue and not just a young generation thing. I actually see the younger generations being more deliberate with seeking truthful information vs their elders. With the invention of the internet, we have the tools to research things and not just buy what sensational caption that we are being force-fed. So why don't people use these tools? Laziness. I'm sorry if that hurt to read but it's the truth. It's easier to talk shit and open wide for another spoonful of manipulation than it is to stand against it. 

People trip over each other to hate on Taylor Swift. You made her one of the most successful women on the planet. So why are you now trying to destroy her? Oh, right, circus animal, she's not a real person huh? You don't have to like her to be a human being and realize she deserves her happy ending. She deserves to have a part in the life of her mate. You're tired of seeing her well guess what, she's tired of you seeing her. But she can't leave her house without paparazzi following her every move. She can't be anywhere without watchful eyes 24/7. What do you want from her? Do you want her lonely, stuck inside the glass house society has built for her, or do you want to see her being a human being? I want her to be a human being because that's what she is. We made her famous, we put her on the pedestal, and now you need her to be the villain so you go after her? We made teenage Taylor a superstar. Deal with it. Do the right thing. Stop feeding the monster, stop convicting her in the court of public opinion when she didn't do anything wrong.

It costs nothing to be kind. It costs nothing to not repost or react to an article you know is media bait. Your intentions don't have to be bad, you could and most times do have the best of intentions. But stop feeding the monster if for no other reason than it's the right thing to do.

That. That's why I chose to get into the backside of the music industry. To make a difference. Trust me, twenty-year-old Belle had no idea she'd be here now. Getting to entertain you every week and make memories with you is a privilege. One I will always do my best to never take for granted. We only get one life let's do the best we can in all areas that matter to us. Whether your cause is human rights, reproductive rights, the planet, poverty, etc. Do it with your whole heart. Because the Universe rewards those who live life with purpose.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Second Chances

One second chance. Had someone told me 3 years and 8 months ago that my world hinged on a one-second chance, I would have probably just given up. You hear and see people talk about all kinds of stuff on social media. Some, even take it from my blog and adopt it as theirs. But something I think people don't understand is just how helpless I've felt. I think that's a part of mental illness that people don't think about. When your brain just gives up on you your world spins out of control. It's all you can do to beg it to stop. If I had to count the times I laid curled up hugging myself to stop from hurting myself I'd lose count. As my life crumbled bit by bit I helplessly shut down. Just one disappointment after another piled up as the foundation crumbled. Next thing I knew I was sitting on the floor choking on tears that wouldn't stop falling. 

The sheer amount of courage it took to just breathe was unreal. With shaking hands, devastated, just looking at the carnage that used to be my life. Giving up felt so much easier than just swallowing the pills. Doctors made promises, friends disappeared, and there was just me sitting on the bathroom floor. Just me looking at the wall and wondering what I was supposed to do now. In the beginning, I did it for my kids. I've never wanted to be a hero or a villain. It didn't really matter to me what people thought. People say to me now that I have an amazing story. I just smile and keep walking. I mean let's be honest who the fuck really wants this hell to be their home? Who wants to wake up and toss down pills just to function? I don't. But that's my life. Four pills in the morning, 5 during the day, and 5 before I go to bed. Synthetic neurotransmitters flowing in my blood to make up for the shit my brain won't do on its own. Not to mention the rest of the cocktail that ensures sanity remains.

Mental health gets dismissed or trivialized far more than it should. That leaves the person unsure, and sometimes ashamed of their brain when they shouldn't be. I think a large part of the shame that comes from dealing with a serious mental illness is because no one knows how to handle it. I don't. A lot of times I'm just as thrown by my brain's stupidity as everyone else. I have sat down in a crowded place and just breathed because I was overwhelmed. Trust me you can sit anywhere and people will indeed walk around you. They might give you a dirty look but they will walk around. Ask me how I know, lol. I haven't gotten stepped on. Or yelled at, though I've gotten quite a few shoulder squeezes from people walking by. I think once people get over being judgmental about the people around them like me. Then you can potentially have a really great conversation about it. 

I've had more people make shitty remarks both to my face and behind my back than you would ever believe. It amazes me that people are still so willing to be assholes even when they know you. I'm not sure what breeds that kind of spitefulness but it's terrible. It's easy as fuck to be high and mighty when you aren't the one curled up on the floor. It's easy as fuck to be judgmental when you aren't the one carving your pain into your body so the outside matches the inside. It sucks to be that person that people drag. It sucks even more to be the one who keeps slipping down that slippery slope. Sometimes survival takes one person and sometimes it takes a village. But no one does it alone. We like to think we're special and invincible but no one is. What you judge today could be you tomorrow. I think people forget that it could just as easily be them. 

But some people don't forget. Those people, they are the ones who give people like me a second chance. Those people read the story you'd rather not tell them and see a worthy human being. They see the potential you forgot you had. They see the person you are and teach you how to be a better person. They love all of the broken parts of you and help you fit them back together. They may not understand what's happened but they care enough to be part of the solution. They don't have to care, they could just walk past, but they don't, and in doing so change your life for the better. I've always tried to be that person for other people. As the round peg that never fit in the square hole. I know what it feels like to look through the keyholes of life unable to unlock the door. 

Nobody chooses to implode their life, no one plans to be the broken one. It just happens. I couldn't exactly tell you why my brain decided to do what it did. I have no clue why any of the events unfolded like that. The docs understand but what's done is done. My homework is to read the book The Body Keeps Score. I'll get around to that eventually before the doc yells at me. But for today, I'm going to enjoy a chill day, and just enjoy the quietness in my mind. It's rarely quiet, for whatever reason the hallucinations have been a lot less frequent the last couple of days. Hopefully, they stay that way for a couple more. I know they'll never completely disappear just like my need for meds never will. Does it bother me? Sometimes. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and hang my head. Sometimes I just avoid the mirror because it weighs 5000 pounds and I can't look. I think I'm always going to resent the meds, the hallucinations, and the mental illness. But most of the time I'm at peace with what has become my new normal. I survived every other day that felt like the world was ending. So I can definitely enjoy the days that feel like sunshine. 

Second chances aren't a given, so if you are given one, do your very best with it. 

I did it for everyone else at first, but now, this time I'm going to do it for me. Because I deserve it.

It costs nothing to be a good person but it means everything to the person receiving it. Sprinkle that shit everywhere. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~