It's Saturday; football season is upon us, and the weather is cool enough to have the windows open. I don't know about you, but that kind of sounds like heaven. It kind of feels like it too. I had to put a hoodie on yesterday because it was chilly with the windows open. Yeah, I would rather put a hoodie on than close the windows. I'm making vegetable soup today because it feels like soup season, and because it's nutritious and fills me up, which is kind of essential to weight loss. But mostly just because I love veggie soup. I've now lost 32 pounds, and honestly I'm loving watching the scale drop more and more. I feel a lot better in my body even if my knee is still cranky.
Sometimes it feels like your dreams are so far away. Until you realize they aren't and that they're completely within your grasp. I've made quite a few changes to my life recently, slowly, of course. But they feel good, and it's crazy to me that things that once felt impossible suddenly feel very possible again. It's been a long road, as you guys well know. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now and how okay I feel in myself. For so long, I was struggling with mental illness. Fighting with my meds and resenting my needing them in the first place. But that's given way to acceptance and honestly appreciating the meds and my doctors. Because it all gave me my life back. No one wants to have a mental breakdown or be diagnosed with a couple of mental illnesses. But I'm past the part where it bothers me and just thankful that the meds let me live a normal, healthy life.
This Fall I'm just looking to being alive and soaking up all the things I love about Fall and Halloween. I have always loved Fall because of the changing leaves and their beautiful colors. But also how the air, when it's chilly, carries the smell of bonfires and burning leaves. I love the tranquility of Fall and the magic that Halloween carries. I love scare actors and haunted houses as long as I'm not in them. Haha. I've always been that way. I don't particularly enjoy being scared, but I do really enjoy the ambiance of the season. We need to go apple picking so I can make some homemade applesauce because duh, that's amazing. I doubt I'll carve any pumpkins cause I don't have a porch to put them on. So I'll just enjoy all the pumpkin spice candles I can get my hands on. My chosen parents have their Christmas tree up, and I'm knee-deep in all things pumpkin spice with my kiddos. And honestly, I love that because it means everything is normal and normal is great.
I think it's due to some personal growth and making peace with things I couldn't control in life when I was younger. I have decided that Thanksgiving isn't the enemy, and I'm just too lazy to be bothered with all the food. I would love to say that I want to participate in the holiday tradition, but I think I'd rather take a nap. So while I don't dislike it anymore, I kinda doubt I'll be up to my elbows in food anytime soon. Especially because Big C makes dinner for the kiddos and they all enjoy it. But here's to personal growth and laying some demons to rest forever.
I think with time and clarity I've decided that some people and situations just needed to go for me to learn to live life on my terms again. I can't change the past, but I can definitely change the future. I don't regret the removal of certain people from my life. In fact, it was a long time coming. So the future isn't about repeating the past or setting myself up for failure. It's about personal growth and planning the life I truly want to live. Part of dealing with suicidal issues and self-harm is realizing the things that hurt don't always deserve to hurt forever. Some people, places, and things need to stay gone for you to find harmony within yourself. You can forgive yourself but still know that you have to love some people from a great distance for your mental and emotional well-being. Not everything you lose or have to put boundaries against is a loss. Some of it is an unplanned blessing you waited a long time to fulfill.
Today I'm going to make soup, play my music loud enough to annoy my neighbors a bit. I might even take a nap because I've had too much caffeine and it makes me sleepy. I have the weirdest body, I swear. If I drink more water, I'll feel energized, but honestly I like naps, so I'll probably just take one for funsies. Whatever you are doing today, I hope you love it, and it makes you happy. If you're working, it's okay to think "bah, I'm working and I don't wanna." We can love what we do for a living with our entire beings and still want to disconnect and take a break. Getting up and being productive all the time can get old. So maybe do the adult thing and then do something fun as a reward. If no one has told you today, I'm proud of you, and I hope that life is exactly what you wanted it to be.
~Until next time, be good to each other.~