It's doing I'm not even sure what outside, but it's Augtober, so who cares, really. I dug the Halloween decorations out of the closet last night, thinking I would decorate today. Instead, Jax and I sat and disassociated a chunk of the day away. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my beloved emotional support bestie's crossing of the rainbow bridge. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my tiny dude. They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't. Instead, this one decorates for Halloween early and just chills.
I'm known for two things on the internet. One is my intense and unwavering love of music, and the second thing is this blog. It's lived in many stages and in many different versions of my life as I've grown up. It's still, of course, uniquely me and my view on the world around me. But it's had a lot of lives, and honestly I love that for all of us. People come, and people go in life, but what a cool thing to be able to grow and change in front of people. It's also cool how many amazing friends I've made all over the world. Some of you are a gazillion times cooler than I'll ever be. Festival season taught me a lot this year. One, spending an entire weekend jamming out with a cool hundred thousand of your closest friends is practically spiritual. And two, it made me realize I'm really genuinely ready to get my tattoo on my right hand. Then it's on to creating the tattoo that will cover all the scars on my left arm.
I think I've mentioned the hand tattoo a few times. But for any newbies, I've struggled with self-harm and suicide issues my entire life. Never more so than the last six years. Though the last year has been pretty calm, so maybe just the five years before it. I've had scars on my arm since I was 14 years old, and it's not like I can hide them. At this point, they take up the entire top of my left arm. Like they might as well be a damn spotlight on my mental health issues. Several years ago, I got a tattoo on my left forearm that covers the majority of my wrist because I knew I wouldn't cut my tattoo. About a year ago, the idea hit me that when I was ready, I should get a semicolon and music notes on my hand to signify my decision to live this life. That wasn't an easy decision to make, and honestly, I really did need to sit with it for a while. Because not only do I really want the timing to be right, but also I want to fit the person I am becoming.
Now it's time. Now I feel like I can walk into the studio and create something that will last the rest of my life that I'm going to be really proud of. Its purpose for being on the top of my right hand is much like the placement of the tattoo on my left arm. It's the first thing I'll see when I go to pick something up. It will be my reminder to breathe and pause to think through what is happening in my head. That might sound so simple to some people, but it's not so simple for everyone. Some people, like me, have to work at wanting to live every day. We don't wake up and think, " Yay, life." Some of us wake up and think, well, I guess we're doing this today. I wake up tired and groggy from my night meds and really don't want to human. I think a lot of us wake up and think, man, I did the thing yesterday; why do I have to do it again today? Haha. But that's the life that millions of people with mental illnesses struggle with every day. It's not unique to me. But what is unique to me is my thoughts and feelings about life. I need the reminder. I need the take a breath before you lose your shit reminder.
So I'll have it in the form of a really dope hand tattoo I'll see every day. Will I cover my scars this year? I dunno. Just like the hand tattoo it has to be something significant to me and my journey. So who knows when that inspiration will strike, but it eventually will, I'm sure.
So in a lot of ways, the second half of 2026 is going to be a period of intense personal growth on a few fronts. Musically, I'm still a dork and insanely in love with it in all forms. But I am taking some classes to learn things like sound engineering and...... songwriting. Don't scream so loud you'll scare someone. I figure it's past time that I learn how to do some of the things that give wings to my soul, and music is that thing. I should have done it a long time ago, but life has a way of carving paths when it's ready. I don't think I would have used the gift at 20 or even 25 because it wasn't something I felt confident in. But after writing this blog and a gazillion other things for years and years, I figured now was time. I mean, I'm not getting any younger, though I've been informed I'm still not old. That's a bummer; I want to yell at kids and tell them to stay off my lawn. I'm probably never going to want the music turned down cause lets be real, I'm me. So maybe the lawn thing is coming down the pipeline eventually, once I casually obtain a lawn. That might take a while because I do not miss cutting acres of grass. It's like I don't miss shoveling a driveway that was longer than my life. So that's a solid no thanks for me. Maybe I'll just claim some sidewalk to yell at people about. Haha. Just kidding.
So the rest of 2026 is going to be a fun adventure, and honestly I'm here for it. I'm thankful my boss couldn't care less where I get a tattoo as long as it's not on my face. And well, that's never happening because I like my face as it is. Well, except for these damn hooded eyes that like to fight for their lives against my winged eyeliner. One day I'll master that one, but today isn't going to be that day because it's Saturday and I'm lazy. Okay, more just wholly unmotivated to do anything with my face. I had a new olfactory hallucination happen last night, and I'm still a little pissed about it. If smelling soap at a ridiculous concentration isn't enough, this one is lotion. Like, brain, please pick a struggle and not all of them. Last week was visual hallucinations and a little bit of delusion. So not a good time. Then my brain says here smell lotion. I was completely done with my brain when I went to bed last night. Thankfully, so far it's behaved itself today.
So yea, if you wondered if I'm still crazy, I definitely am. But at least I'm fun crazy. I could be dangerous crazy, and that would be a nightmare for all of us. I'll stick to just being a danger to myself, thank you very much. I'm kidding; I'm a danger to only dust because it makes me sneeze. Hello, summer allergies, you rude pains in the butt.
~Until next time, do something fun, make yourself promises that you'll keep, and as always, be good to each other.~