I don’t care how long I sleep in on Saturday, I’m still never completely awake for hours. I can’t complain though because it’s a gorgeous day here in the Ohio River Valley. I want to walk later but the blister on the back of my foot promises retribution if I dare. I might risk its wrath anyway, but we’ll see how spicy I feel once I’m no longer groggy. As May rolls to a close and Mental Health Awareness Month comes to an end with it. I hope everyone is in a better place for it. I’ve seen a lot of healthy discussions happening and that’s really cool.
My life is
kind of bizarre sometimes and it generally amuses me. I met the first woman
this week who is completely disgusted by my appearance. That made me laugh. Men
and women seem to have such different reactions and opinions on facial
piercings. She’s the first person who has ever outright showed disgust. It’s
2024 and you would think piercings wouldn’t still be a taboo thing. But the
reality is they aren’t super common in a lot of environments and people have
strong opinions about them. Which is totally cool. People should have strong
opinions about the things they like. For themselves not other people’s bodies.
I do laugh when people tell me I should take them out though. I have viper bites,
there are two permanent holes in my face. Those don’t just disappear if the jewelry
is taken out. Plus, I like them, so they’re going to continue to live there.
Mental health
wise for me this week was very bipolar, lol. My brain is chewing on something,
and I don’t exactly know what it is. I’ll eventually figure it out but for
right now I have no idea. I blame it on not having my Adderall. People have to
stop abusing this stuff because doctors are getting hella reluctant to
prescribe it to the people who need it. I mean I even get distracted mid pee
which is insane and hilarious. So, I am looking forward to my doctor’s
appointment this week. But there has been a dead friend on my mind all week. We
weren’t close at all towards the end of her life but for whatever reason she’s stuck
in my head. She died young, maybe even the same age as I am now. Her life was sad
I think, idk, she seemed happy at one point. She was really good to me, until I
got sober, and then we drifted apart after she cheated on her husband. I’m not
going to lie there was something weird on his part. He literally had a girlfriend
in weeks after they split. And a chronic illness was suddenly cured out of the
blue. So, we didn’t stay friends either.
His
girlfriend, now wife, was always really weird around me. Like she thought I was
trying to steal her man. I would never, homie was literally like a brother. There
was and always has been zero attraction there. It’s weird to me the way people
act around me sometimes. If I say your other half is not attractive to me, I’m
not lying. Just because they have a thing for me doesn’t mean they have a shot
in hell with me. I could and have always had my pick of men so I’m not chasing
someone else’s man. I’ve also had a couple of guys want to leave their wives
for me. I don’t understand that logic. If I’m not interested, I’m not
interested. There’s no point in trying to shoot your shot if I already said I
wasn’t interested. You’re just going to embarrass yourself and make it awkward
because now I have to hurt your feelings.
So, idk
exactly why that has been on my mind honestly. I haven’t thought about them in
years. The parallels in our lives aren’t similar at all. Our personalities, the
things we wanted out of life, and the paths we took were nothing alike. Thinking
about it she did eventually have a kid, but I have no idea who he even is. He
sounded like a gangster at like 9 so who knows who he is now. I’m the poor one
in my family, and even so my life has never been like that. I was mopping the
other day and remembering how her dog used to shit all over the floor in one
room when he was put up during the day. She’d clean it like once a week. The
house always smelled terrible. I have no idea why it was like that. I can’t
imagine having a pet poop all over the house. Butter had lots of accidents
toward the end of his life. But they got cleaned up and shampooed every day. Butter
is actually the reason we bought a carpet shampooer. Jax could be a stinky booger,
but we changed his pen a lot. He never used the bathroom on the floor though.
He was litter trained and always used his litterbox. Luna and Pepper are also
litter trained, as was Salem and Vi. Animals using the bathroom on the floor is
just a strange thing to be used to.
I guess it
all depends on how you were raised. I was raised in an upper middle-class environment.
We had a nice house, we all had chores, and a clean house was a big priority
for my mom. She has a really good eye for design, and we always had a nice-looking
home. My house never looked perfect and even now doesn’t. I’m super guilty of
clutter. Some people, most people, everything has a place, and everything goes
in its place. For me finding places for everything was mentally mission
impossible. Though I swear to God my kids dirtied every single dish in the
house daily. I’m pretty sure they wore everything they owned daily as well. That
laundry pile never went down no matter how much I did laundry. Thankfully they
now do their own laundry. Haha.
So, it’s not
like I actually care about what she would have thought. I’m going to be 46 in a
couple of months so it’s not like I’m a kid who needs to measure up. She’s dead
and I’m alive. She had her set of challenges and I have mine. She grappled for love,
and I have always been loved. There’s no need to quantify anything I do. Yet
she lingers in my mind. So, I really am genuinely baffled by it.
I got up this
morning, took my meds, and now have to start on my chores. Today is like many
of the days that have come before it and I love that. I like it when things are
boring and predictable. My mental health enjoys it. Though I really do need to
hang up my leather jacket. I’m pretty sure we have reached the part of the year
that no longer requires a coat. My mental health is pretty chill today, so far
not much in the way of my schizo symptoms which is cool.
Maybe next
week I’ll have an epiphany to unveil but for now, the dishes aren’t going to
put themselves away.
If you’re
traveling this holiday weekend, be safe. Have lots of fun with friends and
family, and remember the judge is out until Tuesday so don’t do anything stupid.
If you’re drinking uber, don’t make any mistakes you will regret for the rest
of your life.
~Until next time, be good to each other. ~