I’m pretty sure once you hit a certain age the universe just hands you a nap remote. Like here you have hit level 30 and boom suddenly naps are your favorite thing. I got excited about a sink stopper just now. Like how old am I? I’m like 90% sure summer is here to stay which I’m not really mad about. That week of Spring was cool but apparently, it decided to dip. But it left its tornado season so that’s definitely not part of the divorce agreement. Figuring out what to wear to work is kind of a pain in the ass. If it’s hot I wear a dress and then the wind decides I absolutely have to have a Marylin Monroe moment. If I wear dress pants, I’m panting like a dog on my way to work. Can someone tag me in the middle dress code plan cause I’m dying here. haha
I’ve done
this blog thing for, lemme count, okay I’m too groggy to count. I posted my
first blog post on here in June of 2008. (Granted everything is archived except
for 2023 to present right now. I had it archived while I worked through a
potential book format. So, it will be republished soon.) This blog from its
conception has always just been me thinking out loud. It wasn’t until high
school I began to understand I had a knack for writing. My 12th
grade English teacher whose name I genuinely can’t remember kept several stories
to use for creative writing examples for future classes. I had in essence
always been the dumb kid whose existence was kinda pointless.
Before the
creation of this blog, I used to write online places and hope I didn’t get made
fun of. The opposite happened. I amassed a following and their request was to
create one sole place where all my writing was stored. From there Random
Thoughts was born. Over the years my writing has evolved, and a lot of my life
is contained in this blog. I never really think about it because it’s just a
thing. I’ve done this for decades now.
Through that
window I’ve grown up in front of you. I raised my kids, dealt with so many
difficult life things, and it’s all been something you have been a part of. I
guess in a way I forget that my life matters that greatly to people. You matter
a great deal to me, but I forget that I matter so deeply to you.
I have been
open about my struggles with my mental health. Laying yourself bare before the
world isn’t the easiest thing to do. It comes with criticism and people can be mean,
but if it helps just one person, it was worth it. It helps you. It’s worth it.
No one wakes up one day and orders a side of bipolar or depression. I mean if
they do, I’m not sure I want to understand their particular madness. Haha. But
mental health really is one of those things that just kicks your ass and can be
very alienating. It’s a special kind of hell to be locked in a brain that wants
to die more than anything else. You hear a lot of grow up it’s not that big of
a deal. Meanwhile you’re sitting on your bedroom floor choking on your own
tears. Or cuddling a stuffie to do something with your hands so they don’t do
stuff they shouldn’t. It’s wearing long sleeves and pants to hide your skin
from view. It’s explaining cuts and scars to prying eyes that are judging your
every move.
It's
accepting the judgement of others knowing they will never understand or
sympathize. It’s living with trauma that makes you want to peel your skin off.
Or startling every time something falls or someone yells. It’s involuntarily flinching
when someone reaches for you. It’s covertly transporting and taking your meds,
so people don’t judge. It’s seeing the disappointment in the doctor’s eyes when
you once again fall down that slippery slope. It’s understanding that other people’s
happiness depends on your ability to be okay. It’s accepting that the people
who love you are also afraid for you and there’s nothing you can do to ease
that fear. It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin and never being able to
escape. It’s living for other people because they can’t live without you. It’s
accepting defeat and learning to forgive yourself for being broken. It’s
learning not to punish or reward yourself with pain. It's doing the hard thing
again, day after day, even when you’d give anything to go.
You’re
fighting an invisible battle. You’re masking for the comfort of others. You’re
faking being okay because the people who love you deserve peace. It’s digging
deep down for strength you don’t really have. It’s waking up everyday to fight
a battle that left you exhausted the day before. Nothing about living with a
mental illness is normal or easy. It’s not for the faint of heart.
It’s also
forehead kisses, hugs, and I believe in yous. It’s also knowing you are loved
and wanted. It’s knowing that your life matters to them just as much as theirs
does to you. It’s laughing at the dumb stuff and fist bumping over inside
jokes. It’s knowing you’re safe with someone and your guard can be down. It’s
knowing you can cry on their shoulder, and they still love you anyway. It’s
having meltdowns and them sitting on the floor with you until you’re ready to
stand up. It’s listening to your favorite song on repeat so many times it’s now
a part of your personality. It’s eating in front of someone and trusting them
not to stare at your shaking hands. It’s curling up for an afternoon nap to
recharge just enough to do the fun stuff. It’s being silly and telling dad
jokes because you can. It’s letting people in and trusting them to love you
broken pieces and all.
There are so
many shitty things about mental illness but there are so many great things
about love. You’re going to find happiness in unlikely places. You’re going to
bond with people you never expect to. You’re going to be raw and vulnerable with
people who want to be raw and vulnerable with you. It’s always going to be the
quiet one that blows your mind in the best way possible. It’s always going to
be those millions of little unexpected things that add up to big things. You are
going to be afraid of hope but somehow finding yourself hoping anyway. Things
are going to seem impossible but yet possible is standing in front of you. You’re
going to trip and fall and laugh about it endlessly. You’re going to form bonds
with unlikely people. And you are going to love every single one of these
things. Those things are the little things that balance out the pain.
There can be hell in your head and joy in your life. That is indeed a thing. Sometimes you’re going to cry like a baby because you’re happy. Or stare at someone a little too long because you missed their face. I don’t always have the right answers. Sometimes I have none of the answers. But I’m here today and I’ll be here tomorrow and maybe tomorrow, I’ll find the answer. But for today, I’m going to go make a salad and stay up way too late. Because that's apparently who I am now. Haha
~Until next
time, be good to each other, and believe in tomorrow. ~