Have you ever lost something and after looking for it you just think “Well it had a good run?” Me with my phone a couple of minutes ago when I found it under a hoodie. I’m pretty sure it was teleported there because.. how? It has to have special powers to just pop up in places I didn’t have it. Haha. Happy Saturday everyone. I hope none of your stuff teleports and hides under the laundry. I’m pretty sure my neighbors hate Saturday because it’s the one day a week they actually hear me. I should buy a TV, so it seems less weird, but I’d never watch it so why? The last load of the laundry is in the dryer and I either need more closet space or less clothes. One week, six loads of laundry, and ten hoodies, that’s a reasonable amount, right? Under the bed storage cubes to the rescue because it’s wild in the closets. I don’t think that classifies as spring cleaning but if it does, I want my cookie.
This week was cool and weird. I’m getting kinda tired of having these whiplash weeks. But I am bipolar as hell, so I guess that’s probably partly just life. I discovered that lentil salad is the actual bomb, and my mental health took a sizable shit. I wish I could remove my brain and give it a stern talking to because four panic attacks are several too many. I was sitting next to someone the other day and they looked at me weirdly. Like I get that we were both learning against the same desk. But they were so perplexed when they said “Are you vibrating?” Something they don’t tell you about psych meds, particularly high-dose mood stabilizers, is that you shake, and sometimes it looks like you’re vibrating. I laughed so hard. Well as much as I could at the time. My head hurts like the wrath of god so it's either allergies or hell. Maybe a mixture of both? My brain is dumb because on the days I have fewer auditory hallucinations my head hurts. Can it please pick a struggle instead of all of them? I think I hate the headaches more than the hallucinations though.
Sometimes
people are so committed to making the same mistake that they forget to learn
the lesson. You can’t create your own storm and cry when it rains. That’s just
not how life works. For example, if your boyfriend is constantly making you cry,
he’s not a boyfriend, he’s an onion. The people you love shouldn’t be a source
of pain, mental instability, or even physical ickiness. What you don’t change
is what you become, and no one wants to be an onion. Unless you do and then,
why? You’re an adult, you literally don’t have to be friends with people you
don’t like. You don’t have to stay in relationships with onions.
My psych doc
has me reading the book The Body Keeps Score. So far it really focuses on the
anatomy of mental illness and how treatment has evolved. They say, anyone who
has been through a traumatic experience, no matter how big or how small, shows
permanent signs of it in their brain. Depending on the age and severity of the
trauma the resulting chemical and physical changes are even more pronounced. It
was cool to learn about how the different levels of trauma show various changes
in the physical structure of the brain. It kinda explains why my psych doc is
always trying to stick me in an MRI machine. Like no thanks, those are kinda
scary. Haha. I kid, I’ve been imaged up one side and down the other as an adult.
It’s just what they do when it comes to an SMI. Not only does my brain have its
own Only fans but it also has a vampire. Or at least they should be vampires as
often as they take my blood. It's a good thing I’m a fan of needles because
otherwise, I’d probably never go to the doctor.
Mental health
is a whole-body thing. It’s not just your brain being dumb, it affects your
entire body. It’s stressful living in a body with a brain that wants to die. So
sometimes your self-destruction is the result of not knowing how to fix what’s
wrong. I’m pretty sure no one sets out to hurt themselves or implode their own
life for funsies. My life has ended more nights than I can count. But it
started again the next morning. I love the middle of the night, 3 am has always
been my favorite time of day. It always feels like the safest time because
everyone is either asleep or at work. Sometimes holding on is sitting outside
at night and watching the sun come up. Other times it’s being in bed before
sunset to be awake until the sun rises. Either way, every night comes every new
day. Each new day, or night, is a chance to either plant the onion or throw it
out.
The same goes
for your mental health. Sometimes just being able to see a sunrise or a sunset
is the only gift you can give yourself. Even if that’s the only thing you do
this week, that’s enough. It’s easy for people to demand things or set
expectations too high. Don’t let that person be you. Especially if you’re fighting
a never-ending battle with a life that hangs in the balance. Someone else's
expectations aren’t your problem. Your expectations, that’s your problem, so
deal with them accordingly.
~Until next
time, be kind to each other.~