I have the windows open, and I could not be happier. Fall is starting to creep in and I really want it to stay. Though hells front porch is coming back in a few days because it’s Ohio and it’s bipolar. Though I did see the weirdest thing this week. Some dude walking down the sidewalk wearing a white blanket like a ghost costume. I had the misfortune of finding myself walking behind him across the street. So, I did the only logical thing, I ran to work. They always say you know it’s spring in Ohio when you see the naked dude getting arrested. Well, we can officially say it’s Fall when we see ghostie walking down the streets for funsies. Maybe he just wanted to take his blankie to work with him. I get it cause same. I have my Jack Skellington blankie in my office for snuggles. But also, you could literally hang meat in my office because it’s constantly cold AF. It’s so much colder than the rest of the building that my boss had the hvac guys come in to fix it. So, we shall see what it feels like when I’m in the office next.
Is September
1st the official day when you go from never needing Chapstick or hair
old to needing it all again? Because it went from conditioner almost being to
much to having straw for hair that needs everything. Where do I file my
complaint?
My latest
food fixation is honey nut cheerios, and I betrayed myself yesterday, I ordered
cheerios and accidentally got the regular ones. So, if you see me crying mind,
ya business. Haha. I also ate shells pasta this week, so I was definitely feeling
brave. Gotta love having food texture and shape aversions. But I survived so yay
me. I highly doubt I’ll do it again, but it was a cool success.
It indeed is
the week after a holiday so how did your week of Monday's feel? I'm personally
impressed that I didn't throw anything. Okay I threw some things but not at
people. That counts, right? I got out of the elevator today and some lady
getting out of the elevator across from me did what can only be described as an
"omg. Must scurry off." I don't know what that was about, but she
rushed like her butt was on fire for the doors. I followed at a polite distance,
and she scurried faster when she realized I was walking in the same direction.
I know I have resting bitch face but damn. I even smiled at her before she
initially scurried away. So anyway, if you need people repellant, I'm for hire.
September is
national suicide prevention and awareness month. Everyone knows someone or is
someone who has been impacted by suicide in some way. The stigma surrounding
mental health and suicidal impulses and ideations is vast. A lot of people have
really strong internal biases towards mental health and suicide for whatever
reasons. It’s a largely invisible illness therefore people feel justified in
being dismissive about it. They can explain it away as being dramatic, made up,
or exaggerated. Not only is that harmful it’s very alienating. People don’t
want to die for funsies. Every single person with ideations, attempts, or who commit
suicide have a reason for doing so.
I’ve gotten a
lot of hate and criticism for being so open about my mental health, but someone
needs to be willing to have the conversation. It’s an invisible illness with physical
manifestations. I myself still feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my
brain and meds. I think to a degree that’s not only normal but understandable.
The people around you or lack of people around you can have a big impact on how
the ill person handles it. I’ve had some really devastating blows over the years.
The worst one by far was being put on a schizophrenic antipsychotic.
So many
people don’t get help or take meds because people explain away what is
happening. People then learn to explain away why they feel the way they do. Or
even refuse treatment and hide it because they’re afraid of getting judged by
others. Because inevitably someone is going to be dismissive or flat out tell
you you’re making it up. Sometimes people will even ridicule you to your face
or give opinions on your doctor’s decisions. It’s rare for people to just
believe you and want to educate themselves on how to be there for the person
who is struggling. Being mentally ill shouldn’t be a burden but people often
make it one.
It's not like
you chose to deal with any kind of mental illness. We don’t choose this. It’s
scary. This stuff can be terrifying. The docs decided to treat my
hallucinations and whatnot once I was medically stable. We all knew there was a
possibility the big S word could eventually be a diagnosis. It’s the last thing
I could have ever wanted. It’s weird to me that there are people who say that’s
interesting because she acts completely normal. I know it’s weird for you to experience
that same thing. A lot of that comes down to projection and their own internal
bias dismissing something obvious. I act like me. I mean I am me who else would
I act like? My normal is always going to be my normal. It doesn’t mean it’s
your normal or that my normal is healthy. But people see other people and judge
them by their own normal.
I’ve had
audio and visual hallucinations my entire life. I didn’t know they weren’t
normal until four years ago. I didn’t know that it’s not normal to wish you
were dead on a regular basis. I thought everyone had an intense hatred of
themselves. I thought everyone abused their body or ridiculed it. None of this
I’ve learned is normal. My entire life my mental health has been a spot of
contention in my life. If I treated it, I got criticized for how it was being
treated. If I didn’t treat it, I was a moody asshole. Then finally four years
ago the invisible bomb no one knew lived in my brain exploded. Untreated mental
health can and will ruin your life at some point, I’ve learned the hard way.
I didn’t know
my brain was different until they stuck me in a machine to study it. I didn’t
understand the severity of things until my brain exploded and I had no choice but
to face my reality. That’s a devastating recipe that often leads to suicide. People
say, “she’s fine.” But what if I’m not fine? What then? What if your person isn’t
fine? What now?
Let’s do
suicide prevention and awareness right. Take the time to learn this month. Take
this time to ask open ended questions in an attempt to understand without bias.
Someone’s life you love might depend on it. Your life might depend on it. No
one is born knowing how to navigate these situations but learning about them
can. Don’t let the sun go down on education you could get that will not only benefit
you but also help you love other people better.
~Until next
time, be good to each other.~