So I guess the flu is still a thing because it just took me out. Everything has been covid for so long I kinda forgot regular pre-covid junk like the flu exists. It's just as unpleasant as I remember it being so there's that I suppose. I did discover the extremely dope thing about being sick in a studio apartment. The trash can and my beanbag chair are literally right there. I suppose another upside of having a studio apartment is it can only get so dirty before you start tripping over stuff. So needless to say now that I'm feeling mostly human I probably better deal with that. Tomorrow. haha of course tomorrow because I feel about as energetic as a sloth currently.
I think sometimes people forget how observant I am. I know people view me as a liability because of my mental health. I know some people judge and view me differently now. But something people also forget is I don't care what other people think of me. I really don't. You're never going to make everyone happy in life. But I am not my mental illness. Do I have a mental illness? Yes. Is it my entire life and personality? No. I'm a normal person who does normal person stuff. I don't stay home inside a bubble all the time. I'm an outgoing person, I still laugh when the ketchup bottle farts, and love doing makeovers for people. I still love water, hanging with my friends, and have way too many clothes. Not every part of me has changed. I am living proof that you can have a mental illness and live a perfectly normal life.
I think that's something people forget in the grand scheme of things. Was there a learning curve getting used to how my brain does its thing? Of course. But people do that stuff every day. Maybe you had a breakup, moved to a new country, or in some other way had a major change happen in your life. It's a very normal thing to deal with major changes and learn to adapt to your new present. The same goes for mental illness. It was a long road, and while it may never be easy, it's not the end of the world. If someone tells you it is they're lying. You can have a mental illness and still live a perfectly happy healthy life.
It doesn't make me unstable or a liability to be around. I'm not going to lose my shit in public, start fights, or be risky with myself and other people. I am indeed still less likely to lose my shit than anyone else. One, people need to remember that I am extremely laid back and get along with pretty much everyone. I've always been a laid-back go with the flow kind of person. People look at you like you're unstable when you stand up for something you feel strongly about. I don't think people realize you can have a mental illness and still stand up for the things you believe in. Kinda like the whole social media Taylor and Travis bashing. Did it make me mad? Not nearly as much as I was just disappointed at grown people acting like playground bullies. On no planet have I ever overlooked that kind of behavior. So I'm really not sure why everyone was so shocked by my reaction.
Two, Making me mad takes a lot because l have a very long fuse. But also, I'm on psych meds, what do you think they do? They certainly don't make me moody, LOL. I've always been the Mom of my friend group and the person who is the problem solver. Those personality traits didn't melt into the floor. I will also never turn down a nap. That has nothing to do with meds, I love naps and honestly always have. I'll even share my stuffies with you. That's also not a new thing and it makes me laugh when people say it is. I've always had stuffed animals. Who doesn't like something cuddly to snuggle with? Or throw at someone depending on the situation. haha. You haven't lived until you've been playfully beaned in the head with a squishmallow. It's like being booped by a cloud but they also oddly make really great pillows. I have this giant comforter that's called a coma inducer. I'm like 99.9% sure it's a squish in blanket form because it's also a giant cloud. I used it as a pillow earlier for a nap and it was a 10/10 experience.
I still hate doing dishes and will bribe someone to do them if I can. I am not the most organized person but I never have been. This morning (well afternoon) I went to start laundry and found all the towels in the dryer. I wondered where those went yesterday. Did I look for them? Honestly... no. I mean my apartment is only so big I figured they were in the pile of clothes next to my beanbag chair. Yeah, that's where the laundry lives until I either fold it or grab clothes to wear from it. Yes, I said beanbag chair, those things are insanely comfy, and highly recommended. But it is literally a chair with arms and everything. Flopping down into a beanbag chair after a long day is an elite experience you need to have.
I have three pairs of headphones and only one set of ears. My shelves have music notes on them. I also have one really dope canvas with an old-school microphone on it. Another equally dope canvas with a violin on it because I'm a music goober. I say this to illustrate that I'm still the same dork you all know and love. When I talk about mental health stuff it's for awareness, and to make other people feel more comfortable, and confident in advocating for themselves. There's a huge stigma and a lot of shame people feel for having mental health issues. There are a lot of people on this giant floating rock who feel alone. Someone has to be the one to be willing to be an example. The one to be the guinea pig so to speak that other people relate to.
For the non-mental health peeps my equivalent to a bad brain week is akin to you not sleeping well for a week. They're both different and affect my life the same. A day of active hallucinations is probably akin to just being really stressed out or feeling extra emotional. Not every day is like that, actually, to be honest, not many days are like that. I do have hallucinations a lot but keep in mind I've had them to some degree my entire life. They just happen more often now but how I handle them is the same. I'll tell you a secret..... I usually chuckle at them. Earlier I saw a small animal in the bathroom doorway and thought "Did I get a cat?" Then proceeded to laugh at myself and do whatever I had been doing before I went to the potty. They can be frustrating or scary but it's pretty rare. I'm a champion at zoning out and not paying attention to them.
You can be used to something and still want confirmation that you aren't crazy. haha. Kinda like when you feel someone behind you and you look and there isn't anyone there. So that's pretty much what happens when I'm somewhere with friends and I see or hear something sudden. We all know the one-eyebrow look we give our friends that means "What just happened." Then someone shrugs, you all laugh, and go back to doing whatever you were doing in the first place. I have a really expressive face so words aren't always needed. Most of the time I can convey exactly what I'm thinking without a word.
So in reality my life is just as normal as yours is. It just has some extra spiciness sometimes. I don't do anything unmedicated because I really don't enjoy the not medicated feeling. The morning is my least medicated state, so like an hour between when I wake up and when my meds kick in. I take my 24-hour meds in the morning so all of my meds are generally past their half-life by 5am. So when I wake up I take my meds before I get out of bed and I'm gouda. So just like anyone else I take my meds and go about normal life. That's just kinda how life works. ☺