It's the 4th of July, and it currently feels like we're stuck in an oven that has no off switch. I know summer is hot, but this is a little excessive, so I'mma need Mother Nature to take her meds right quick before we all cook. Cause I'm not sure what she is cooking, but I promise you it's done. haha. It's my birthday month and, you know what that means. The countdown to everything pumpkin spice starts tomorrow, and Halloween starts on August 1st. Okay, it doesn't officially start then, but August 1st is the anniversary of Jackson's passing, and frankly, decorating for Halloween is a lot more fun than crying. I can't believe my tiny emotional support bestie has been gone for three years this year. What I would give to go back in time and sniff his little mane again. Nothing smelled better than him.
It's been six years since I had my mental breakdown, and so much of my life has drastically shifted. There are still parts of me that I am rediscovering, and honestly, it's a little sobering at times. Recently, I decided to talk to the singer in a band I really love because I want to pick his brain. Creatively, of course. I was talking to Michael about it yesterday, and he kind of floored me. He reminded me that two very specific things are part of the founding core memories he has of me. My time, interest, and investment in the music industry, and my writing abilities.
I am Bachfan20, and I have been for almost two decades now. I've made a lot of friends over the years, all over the world, and this blog is 18 years old this summer. I'm deeply grateful that my love of music has opened so many doors. I'm just as grateful that my writing abilities have and continue to touch so many people around the world. But those are two founding things I'd forgotten about myself. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she assumed I was trying to date said singer. I was baffled why she would think I'd only want to pick someone's brain to date them. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have no interest or desire to date this person. I simply want to learn about the anatomy of their creativity. Which isn't a new thing for me. I've sat and picked many an artist's brain to learn how they create because I find it fascinating. It's something I've done a million times in the past.
I've never been the person who meets people just because I want to date them. Let's be real, I'm single by choice, it's not for lack of dating opportunities. Music is and has always been one of the most important parts of life for me. My kids grew up with music constantly playing in the house, and music still plays constantly around me. My blog has always been an extension of who I am and my unique perspective of the world around me. When I went no contact with my adopted family a couple of years ago, pretty much everything about my life and self came under fire. Due to relentless stalking, I withdrew from the public eye for peace of mind. I was still deeply recovering from my mental breakdown, and the stress was too much for me. The majority of the content of this blog was dissected and used against me. The one fact that seemed to not compute with people is how close I am to my kids. No one on earth knows me better than my kids do. And sometimes, apparently, it takes my kids reminding me of who I am for pieces to fall back into place.
Today I look at parts of me with a brand new perspective. I realize it's okay to be me and that I need to continue to be true to myself. My reasons for going no contact with my adopted family are private for obvious reasons. I'm a pretty private person when it comes to my personal life. Not everyone gets both sides of me. There are people I've met through work in the regular world who have never met the side of me that picks the brains of creative people. Who doesn't get to know my social media screen name or see the music promotion stuff I've done. They don't know how many artists' music I've charted or written things for. Not everyone I know is welcome in both worlds. That's always been a very intentional decision on my part. My kids' identities are private, where I live is private, and what I do for a living and where is also private. It's always been that way. But that doesn't stop me from sharing the other parts of myself with the world.
It doesn't stop me from meeting really cool people, going to amazing concerts, or writing whatever I want. It doesn't stop my kids and me from making amazing memories together or being incredibly proud of each other. My kids are the best people I've ever met, and I'm grateful to be their Mom. That's always been true and always will be. So thank you, Michael, for reminding your Mom that it's okay to be me, and for always being so proud of me.
Sometimes it just takes being reminded of who you are. So you can get back to the little things that make your heart happy. I'm looking forward to fun family time at Inkcarceration in a couple of weeks. It'll be Tori's first festival, and of course, Michael and my niece will also be in the pit jamming out. To quote Michael yesterday, he won't mind if I tell you what he said. He said that I'm the only Mom he knows who goes to rock festivals with their kids. He said normally people's parents say they're going for certain people. But Michael said when he hears I'm coming, he thinks "Fuck yeah, my Mom is going. She knows this shit better than anyone." Which honestly warmed my heart because how many 23-year-olds want to hang out with their Moms like that? I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm the luckiest Mom on the planet. How uniquely amazing it is to have kids who love and admire you so much. I never would have imagined that Michael loves bragging about me to his friends. Like, how cool is that? It blows my mind. In my mind, I'm just someone's cringy Mom. They're my best friends and the people I love and admire the most. If you're there, come say hi. Remember, no pics of the kiddos, but definitely come say hi, we would love to meet you.
Okay, I need more caffeine. Always be yourself because no one does it better. Thanks for being my ride-or-die and always being here. You're pretty freaking amazing.
~Until next time, be good to each other.~