October Rambles

Happy almost Halloween week! Fall said I'm here, but you're gonna be cold as it does here in the Ohio Valley. I think it should be mandatory that the weather is nice for Trick or Treat. It's the only day of the year when people can be anyone they want. People put a lot of effort into their costumes, so we should be able to see them. But of course it's gonna be in the 50s, so cue the kiddos fighting about wearing coats. Thankfully, my kiddos are grown, so it's not a me problem. Haha.

I'm already thinking about Christmas shopping, which is hella rude that my brain is pondering it in October. Like, let me have my pumpkins first. Granted, I haven't started shopping, so you don't need to have a coronary just yet. 

There's yet another marathon happening outside my apartment window. Why are people always running? Like, kudos to everyone who chose to get up and not be lazy, but why? It's Saturday, and there isn't enough caffeine in the world. Though I can't say weight loss isn't happening in my world, cause it is. I just started Tirzepatide. I took my third shot yesterday, and I'm already six pounds down, which is really dope. Not since yesterday, lol, since I started the meds three weeks ago. I did the Semiglutide thing for six weeks, and my body said no thanks. It's wild to see what side effects psych meds cause. If you're on an antipsychotic, you have my sympathy. Those suckers cause a fierce hunger that just wants to eat literally everything. My brain says I don't even like that, and my Invega says eat it all. 

I'm still slightly amazed that there is a weight requirement for knee replacement surgery. At this point, my leg might just fall off because it's been a huge process. At work like a week ago, I moved some heavy stuff. Because after all, I am still quite strong. The next day, my knee said I rage quit life and RIP your ability to do anything. Talk about a dramatic reaction to actually doing anything. So I might be a little jealous of our friends running the marathon outside. Cause damnit, I want to do something active, like literally anything. Okay not anything, just walking on a beach would be really dope. Hopefully, I'd be in the OR in January, because who wants to be recovering from major surgery at Christmas time? Definitely not me, cause we all know I'm the queen of procrastination. Though I have to be honest, having a reason to lose weight is amazing. Because it means I actually had to commit to it. Which, let's be honest, is also really cool. 

I was going to perfect my peeling skeleton makeup for Halloween this weekend, but I'll probably just wing it for Halloween. It takes forever, and honestly, a nap sounds pretty good. Ya know, priorities and that stuff. Haha. I mean, unless someone also wants to do the laundry, the dishes, take out the trash, and wash my hair. Then I could probably muster up the energy to spend most of my day doing FX makeup. No volunteers? Well, that seals that deal, chores it will be, with music turned up as loud as it will go, of course. Because the neighbors need to learn what good music is, right?

I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween and gets a lot of candy. Remember, if you see teenagers trick-or-treating, give them candy. They chose to be children, and life is stressful enough for everyone. The teenagers need some magic and mystery in their lives, too, and the escapism that comes from it. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

September

 It's a bright and sunny day here in Ohio that doesn't really feel like Fall. My cold, rainy weather got lost on its way here again. It's the end of September, and I swear I have no idea where this year has gone. It's cool though because it's been a really good year and I'm ready for Fall. My leaves haven't changed yet, but I'm hoping soon. Though I have been burning the Fall candles since August. I figured if I wasn't going to have my butt plopped on a Florida beach, I should at least enjoy Fall. I enjoy being that annoying friend who is ready for Halloween before Labor Day. Because Labor Day is the unofficial end of summer anyway. Though it's a little weird to have back-to-school stuff and Halloween stuff in the store at the same time. I love all things Halloween, but maybe we should let the kids go back to school before we start filling store shelves with candy. Cause picking a Halloween costume and back-to-school fits would honestly feel kinda weird. 

September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness month, if you missed the memo. I saw something on Facebook the other day that said that suicidal people deserve better than telling them the main reason they shouldn't kill themselves is because of how it might affect others. Which, honestly, they're right, but it surprised me that it didn't occur to me before. It went on to say that suicidal people deserve love and help, not guilt trips. That they deserve to feel like their life is worth living for their own sake. Honestly, that's kind of profound. While I agree with that very much, is it possible to convince someone who is suicidal that their life is worth living? Thinking back on my own struggles with self-harm and suicide, I'm slightly unsure of that answer. 

The purpose of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month is to educate and provide regular people with resources in case they ever find themselves in a position to need them. Everyone knows someone or knows of someone who has either attempted or will attempt in their lifetime. Get really familiar with your emergency numbers and the resources you can give people. In the US, the suicide prevention hotline is 988. You can call, text, or chat online with a caring human being day or night whenever you might need it. Life is tough, and not everyone has someone they can lean on. Knowing the signs, genuinely listening to people without judgment, and being kind can save a life. People don't commit suicide because they have to go. They commit suicide because they can't figure out how to stay. Life is hard, getting good mental healthcare is even harder, and people are really judgmental. If you can do nothing else, be that person who is kind, caring, and compassionate with people who are struggling with their mental health. There are enough judgmental assholes out there, lord knows we don't need any more.

It does sometimes take a village. I say that as someone who has their own village. My life has names on it, and for those people, I am eternally grateful. We all need those people in our lives; we can just be real with. If you can't be that person for someone, find them someone who can. There's nothing wrong with saying I can't be that person for you. Just make sure you get them to someone safe, like the amazing peeps at 988. 

September was definitely an educational month for me in several ways. Yesterday I learned that adoptees are four times more likely to commit suicide. I also learned that adoption is considered complex trauma. I mean, I would imagine so because you're kind of taking an entire human being away from their family of origin and putting them with strangers. Granted, those people don't stay strangers, but it has to be kinda scary for a kiddo. I don't remember because I was an infant, but it does make sense. I was adopted a million years ago, 78 was after the baby scoop era, but they still didn't know a lot about the psychological effects of adoption. I grew up knowing I was adopted, and my arrival was anticipated. But even having a happy beginning to the story doesn't change the emotional and mental trauma that adoption is. It's a weird thing to not have a genetic mirror or know where you come from. I've never been pro-adoption, but I am glad that adoptions are no longer closed. A kid has a right to know where they come from. I don't know that it makes it mentally or emotionally easier, but it might. You can grow up in the best family with the best parents, and adoption is still going to be traumatic. It's just the nature of the beast. It is slightly alarming that it's a billion-dollar business, though.

It's Saturday, so it's football day, but all I care about is the pizza. I'm coming down the side of a hypomanic episode, so that means I have a nap in my future, and I'm not mad about it. The best part of being a sleepy girl is that I love to sleep. It doesn't hurt that it might get me out of cleaning today. It probably won't, but it would be really cool if it did. Though I did already start laundry, so I guess that counts as some productivity today. 

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Grapes

Welcome back to the latest edition of why on Earth is it so hot outside. I looked away for five seconds, and someone said roast. If you need me, I'll be drowning myself in the nearest swimming pool because dear god. Okay, maybe more accurately hiding in the air conditioning because crutches are my life.

My life low-key feels like adventure time meets universe, and the results are going to be pretty fun. I decided to start one of those weight loss shots, so RIP my stomach. I mean, it's not like psych meds haven't already made a mockery out of my digestive system. Haha. All jokes aside, I feel really good. Yes my leg is kind of a giant pain in the ass but the rest of me feels really good. Mental health is good, though I did forget to take my Invega for like a week. My bipolar also cycled, which is 0/10, don't recommend, but she eventually got it together. My hallucinations are making fun of each other at this point. Kidding. Though I've scared the shit out of myself like four times in the last week. It's wild once you don't have hallucinations that you forget how many you actually have. If I had to rate them on most annoying to least annoying, it would be the knocking one being the most annoying. Or maybe it was the guy talking to me. I don't know. Either way, both of them are highly annoying. The funniest one was definitely..... Okay, I can't think of a particularly funny one. I was just pretty amused at all of them. 

I definitely didn't have needing a couple of shiny new knee replacements on my 2025 bingo card. Rude, but here we are. We didn't get the results that we wanted. But we did get the results everyone who had seen the x-rays were expecting. I made the joke that my knees were very metal because they have horns. My orthopedic surgeon died laughing because they literally do. So my leg goes chop chop, and then life rolls on. 

When they diagnosed me with sarcoidosis a million years ago. We didn't exactly know what that was going to look like for me. It's still a rare autoimmune disease, but no one knew anything about it when I was first diagnosed. So in many ways, I've just been a science experiment. haha. I've been stage four for a really long time, and it's been pretty chill. I've had minor stuff like scarring in my lungs and an increase in granulomas in my legs. But what no one clocked was that it was attacking my knee joints. So ya girl is gonna have her right knee replaced first because it said yeet cartilage and hello osteophytes x 100. So she's what currently has me on crutches, but do you want to know the really funny part? My pain tolerance is so beefy that my leg didn't even hurt until March. She's bone on bone and doing the most, and I had no idea. I'm so amused. I was just bebopping all over the place without issue, and then she said, Ope, no thanks. 

I did go to Sonic Temple on crutches because keeping me away from a music festival is never happening. The level of bummed I was when Alice In Chains cancelled their set was hefty. That was like biggest bucket list band on the roster, so now I have to try again. But I did see everything else, which was really cool, and I had dope company to do it with. I saw Insane Clown Posse for the first time, and I will have that Faygo song stuck in my head for the rest of my life. It was so fun, I can totally see why Mike loved them. No, I didn't just call my kid Mike, though Michael was there. Mike is a really dope high school friend I had who died of cancer many moons ago. They were one of his favorite bands, and I wanted to see them just because he loved them. So that was super fun, I'd see them again for sure. 

So I'm just chilling and working on losing weight before surgery, as one does. I thought I would be more bothered by it all than I am, so that's cool. I think I'm just comforted by my team and looking forward to being back to normal. Having a major joint replacement really isn't that scary at my age. Cause while I'm really young for it, we heal better than people who are a lot older when they get them done. I still have full extension of my legs and whatnot, so physical therapy will be more of a formality. I'mma do it, of course, but it won't be that bad or, knowing me, that painful. So I'm not sure what the rest of my summer looks like. I'm glad I went to Sonic because that might be my only concert this summer. Unless my stubborn ass decides to go on crutches and just deal with the pain. Which knowing me could happen.

There is, of course, still the question of whether or not the sarcoidosis will attack any more joints. I'm honestly okay with not knowing that answer. Just like life is too short for matching socks. Life is too short to waste time worrying about things you can't change. Worry just gives you a headache when you could be laughing at the millions of timeless moments that make your heart happy. It's easy to get lost in the "Poor Me's," but that's kinda pointless when you look at the big picture. Real talk, this disease will kill me one day. But today isn't that day. Today I'm a happy, healthy 46-year-old doing normal crap like complaining about the weather. And maybe getting a lawn so I can tell kids to stay off of it. haha. 

I'm a lucky girl. I get to do all the things I love with people who make life even better every day. I'm going to be that 90-year-old in the front row of the pit cheering on my favorite artists. I mean, I already own the wheelchair, so I'm ready for it. 

The biggest lesson I'm taking from all of this is this. Do the thing, buy the thing, laugh until you cry, and enjoy every minute you get. Life goes quick, and you can't get that time back. No one is going to live forever, and it's a privilege to get to make those forever memories. Don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today. We aren't gonna make it home to see the parentals or my tiny, adorable fur niece this summer. People are going to go, home? You grew up in Ohio. Yea home. When you spend so much time in a place with people you love, it eventually feels like home. Florida is always going to be my second home. I've made amazing memories with my kids on those beaches. We've made amazing memories all over the place. We have a favorite restaurant, friends, and family who are there. We sat here in Ohio, glued to the weather, watching the hurricanes tear apart places we'd walked just a month earlier. I could get to the parentals blindfolded at this point. We have the GPS on for funsies, but we all know exactly where we are going. 

I've said this my entire life. Friends are the family you make for yourself. We may not get to pick our blood family, adopted for me, but we can and do choose our friends. Choose wisely because sometimes they become part of your legacy.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

If you're new here, welcome, and no, the title never has anything to do with the blog. It's a tradition that we have always had and find hilarious. ☺

Life update # whatever

This week has been equally cool and bizarre and neither for the same reason. I’m a little unsure of what the universe has planned but I am so here for the adventure. It’s cool how things happen in life sometimes because you’ll have your head in the clouds and then life goes, “Oh hey, here’s something really dope.” Like cool, thanks I appreciate that, but like, what now? Haha. After the last couple of months, I could use a really cool adventure. I say that like the sky has been falling but it hasn’t been. I’m just really stubborn and I learn stuff the hard way sometimes. So, some of the stress was indeed self-imposed but I found my brain so it’s all good. I still don’t know how it’s almost June. Where the hell did April and May go? Memorial Day is next week. How?

I finally after a gazillion years finally went to Sonic Temple a couple weeks ago. Man, now I really want to buy tickets for Inkcarceration. I’m not in love with the lineup but I am geeking for another festival. Sonic was an absolute blast even if I did do it on crutches. Well, half the time. Michael got me a wheelchair for two days. Crutches? Wheelchair? Calm down I can hear you from here. Haha. I’m good, just old, or so the sports medicine doc tells me. I’ll find out this week if they’re gonna chop my leg up. I’m crossing everything that it doesn’t interfere with me plopping my butt on a Florida beach in a couple of months. Anyway, back to Sonic. GUYS. It was so fun! It was Michael’s first festival, and it even wore him out. Alice in chains cancelled. Big sad face. But I did get to see Motionless in white which was amazing.

Nothing heals or brings life into perspective like live music. I went through some heavy stuff, including my leg, and then spent four days in absolute heaven. Music has been a big source of emotional regulation for me since I was a small fry. So, sitting there pondering things with the bass reverberating inside my chest felt really good. I decided to take the hit on the chin, learn the lesson, and never make that mistake again. You can be the best person you can be, treat people even better, and still get kicked in the teeth. It was a little bump in the grand scheme of things but still equally unpleasant. I made some decisions as the music played around me that I’m pretty proud of. So, in the end I gained more than I lost so it’s all good.

My worth isn’t determined by whether or not someone values me. My worth as a human being is dictated by me and how I choose to see myself. Whether or not I can achieve things is solely determined by whether or not I want to achieve them. I just looked at the date and realized this week is the 5^th anniversary of my brain imploding. It makes me feel even better about my soul searching and positive decisions. There was a time when I would have blamed myself for the way someone treated me. I don’t do that anymore. In the last five years I’ve had a lot that I needed to come to terms with and handle. Never let anyone make you feel less than or ashamed for having a mental illness. Fuck those people. Broken crayons still color and do all the cool things like unbroken crayons. Just because your brain works a little differently it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. You’re absolutely worthy of seeing all of your dreams come true regardless of whether or not you struggle with mental illness. Trust me, when I was diagnosed with bipolar at 24 years old, I definitely didn’t think it would end with me also being diagnosed with schizophrenia at 46 years old but here we are.

So, what if I take 9 different psych meds. They make me normal, allow me to be happy, and live a bomb ass life. Sometimes it all has to fall apart to fall back together the way it was supposed to be. We’re still capable of wanting things that are bad for us. So sometimes what you want needs shaken up a little so you can differentiate between what you want and what you deserve. Sometimes what you deserve is so much greater than you could have imagined. There are things in my life that had to change in order for me to get where I am now. Had five years ago never happened I wouldn’t have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I would have continued to live my entire life with things happening in my head I didn’t know weren’t normal. But now I get to take my Invega and be a regular old person who doesn’t see stuff that isn’t there nearly as much. Which if you ask me is hella cool. It’s nice to actually be quiet in my mind and there not be all the static.

Sometimes we have to get comfortable with shutting doors to stop the influx of things that aren’t meant for us. Not everything that sparkles is a jewel. Turds can sparkle if one swallows enough glitter. Sometimes it takes a four-day music festival to quiet all the noise enough for you to slam those doors. Remember just because someone wants to be in your life doesn’t mean they deserve to be. Sometimes ya just gotta slam those doors, but don’t be surprised when life plops something cool in your lap. You don’t need to know why things happen to enjoy the fact that they happen. As Junie always says onwards. Tomorrow is a new day for you to make more good choices and learn more positive lessons. Not everything you lose in life is a loss. Some endings are actually new beginnings.

I meet some of the coolest people in the weirdest places. I meet some of the most unforgettable people in forgettable places. I don’t know why things work the way they do but damn it, I like it.

~Until next time, be good to each other. ~

Ramen Noodles

The perk of warm weather is having the windows open. The downside…. Traffic. I’m pretty sure the entire state of Ohio needs to be gifted mufflers. Like who thought loud mufflers were a cool sound? They startle the absolute hell out of me. Haha. Yes, I will be saying dear god every time one vibrates my windows. It’s kind of like telling kids to get off your lawn. Once you get to a certain age it’s publicly acceptable to tsk tsk at people. So I’mma tsk tsk away simply because I can. Before long I will incorporate the shaking my hand and going “dang kids these days.” I think I have another ten years or something before that’s a thing but I’m looking forward to it.

I made it through the back to the office thing. In typical me style I embarrassed myself during the first big in office meeting. Thankfully everyone else thought it was hilarious, but I was like where is a handy hole in the floor. People think I’m funny without realizing I’m accidentally funny. I have no comedic abilities at all. I just have a brain that pipelines out of my mouth before I realize I’ve opened my mouth. The feedback I got over the days following the meeting was really positive. However, I’ve decided I’m never leaving my office, and I’ll just avoid people forever. Haha. Kidding. My job is in my office so where else would I be? Though I can and will avoid every potluck. You can’t just eat at anyone’s house, so ya know it’s one of those things.

Sometimes as an adult I think we spend our entire adult life trying to undo the bullshit we didn’t do. The older generations always complain about the younger generations. I think the older generations forget that one thing is they are part of the problem and the other they aren’t always right. Like children are supposed to be seen and not heard. That phrase right there is so harmful and honestly selfish. Some of those antiquated beliefs are what the younger generations are fighting against. Just because you don’t think it matters doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. It just means it doesn’t matter to you. Just because you don’t think something isn’t wrong doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong.

You always hear older generations complain about people talking about their feelings, mental health, etc. How they’re babies and are soft because they don’t just suck it up and get on with it. Do you hear yourself? There’s a reason that the younger generations pay more attention to mental health. There is a reason we as parents taught our kids bodily autonomy, how to handle emotions, and that it doesn’t make them week to need mental healthcare. Why? Because our parents didn’t. We weren’t encouraged to be our authentic selves. We were raised to fit into molds. To be easily digestible and understandable and we weren’t so we were just dumb kids. So, you didn’t want to listen to us. So, we raised an entire generation or two that does. Our kids and how they act isn’t a mistake, it’s what we raised them to be. People say they’re what is wrong with this country. Fam, you have an orange with zero braincells running our entire country and we’re the problem. That’s hilarious.

Do you know how many adults I’ve met that desperately need mental health meds? They like to brag about how tough they are and how weak everyone else is. I mean if you want to spend your entire life miserable, then have at it. The rest of us are going to take our meds and live happy lives. The thing about our parents and the generations that came before is they didn’t understand what is broken. They were just so busy doing what everyone else is doing that they missed the part that they haven’t healed from the trauma they don’t want to recognize.

It’s like the “marriages don’t last like they used to anymore” debate. I challenge that belief. How many of those marriages lasted that long out of genuine love and want to be together? Okay now how many of those marriages lasted because the other couldn’t leave? It wasn’t socially acceptable to say my husband is beating me so I’m leaving. You were expected to just…. What? Suck it up and deal with it. Sound familiar? So, no it’s not that we don’t understand or respect the sanctity that is marriage. It’s that we aren’t going to tolerate being treated as less than we deserve. We aren’t going to stay in a relationship with someone who treats us badly nor should we. There’s this misguided belief that kids from a “broken home” are unhappy and won’t do as well at life. I’ll challenge that. It’s better to have two loving parents who don’t live together than two miserable parents who can’t leave. One does an immense amount of mental and emotional damage, and the other is a representation of intelligence both emotionally and mentally.

Things aren’t supposed to stay the same. Your life isn’t the life everyone else is supposed to live eternally. Each generation rights a little bit more wrong with passing time. Not all generational habits are good ones even if they’re new ones. But they’re made out of evolution because we don’t always know how far we can go until we try. The old aren’t always wise, sometimes they’re stupid. Sometimes they do more damage than good with their “wisdom.” The older generations are very devoted to keeping things the same and resisting any kind of change. That’s probably why the younger generations have championed for change, the right to bodily autonomy, and the right to live life healthy and happily.

Someone I knew used to bitch about how kids these days don’t throw bales of hay in the summer anymore. That they’re soft staying indoors and not getting in touch with nature. Do you like that electronic device you are reading this blog on? You’re welcome. That’s what the kids staying inside did. Do you realize having to throw bales of hay as a kid is child labor? That’s not earning your allowance. That’s your parents were to stingy to hire someone to do a job a child shouldn’t have been doing. Kids aren’t free labor fam that’s not how that works. It’s how it used to work back in the day, but this isn’t back in the day, and we know better now so let’s do better. There’s that evolution we learned better, so we raised the next generation knowing better. Those old-fashioned values you love to tote so much, are they actually wise or helpful values? Some are, a lot aren’t, a lot are abusive and just plain wrong. Instead of getting mad at someone for doing something different maybe learn why they’re doing it differently.

Open your mind, your brain won’t fall out.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Random Insanity

I get mad at being called dramatic a lot for someone who is in fact dramatic. Have you ever done self-reflection and thought well that’s rude that they’re right? Like I’m sorry, who gave you permission to know more than me? Meanwhile they’re over there just living and being a person. But you’re like giving them a side eye they definitely don’t deserve. Literally me anytime I’m mildly inconvenienced. I quit a lot for someone who does indeed not quit. Me complicated? How dare. I’m the least complicated person you will ever meet. For someone who has an invisible island to sell you.

It's always easier to assume other people are crazy than it is to look in the mirror and go huh? I mean lets be real even I know I’m insanely complicated. I just also happen to be silly and rarely serious. My hallucinations learned how to knock on my office door like my boss does. Which honestly had me so amused I laughed about it for a full five minutes. He knocks so he doesn’t startle me and apparently my hallucinations have learned manners. I mean we support all forms of personal growth in this house. Even if said personal growth happens in the form of hallucinations it seems.

I’ve been MIA, I know, it’s not been intentional. I would honestly like to know who hands out the last year was 5 minutes ago thing. Because I swear it was Feb 1^st literally two days ago. How did an entire month fly by without me even realizing it? Time flies by when you’re happy and content it seems. Mental health wise it’s been a quiet and uneventful month. I genuinely don’t remember when they raised my Invega, but it’s been pretty chill. I’m almost afraid to say it but it really was a pretty routine month. Nothing big or scary has been on tap which is really cool. I still feel all the mental illness when I wake up in the morning before I take my meds. There was a couple of times I was ready to rage quit life only to realize I forgot to take my meds. Once my meds were in me, I was like oh okay there I am. Haha. It’s a lot like the I am not myself when I’m hungry and in enters a snickers bar. Then poof, normal. So as long as I take my meds, and no one tests my crazy I’m happy and fairly harmless. I still wouldn’t recommend testing the crazy because meds only do so much heavy lifting. Haha.

Let’s see, on the life front, it’s also been pretty uneventful. Lots of working, sleeping, and annoying the living hell out of the world.  I’m very good and quite committed to annoying the living hell out of people. I can tell you one thing that absolutely has become the bane of my existence. Psoriasis. Why on earth is that shit so pissed off this time of year? The back of my poor neck is for lack of better words coming for my throat. I swear March and April don’t know if they want to be the entire world is devoid of moisture or just plain moist. March has indeed also chosen violence, and I already want a refund. Anyway, if you have a spare bottle of car oil I can use as a moisturizer, that would be great. Haha. I complain now but in no time, it’s going to be hi summer where did that sunburn come from? Ugh. Is it lying on the beach time of year yet? If you got whiplash imagine being in the brain that wrote that. 😊

I’m that person in the office people can’t figure out. They’re like she is so quiet, but also does she talk? Then I talk and they all go “Oh she’s the funny one.” When I want to be the center of attention, I have that in the bag. I have always been pretty outgoing but if I want to be left alone my RBF will do the heavy lifting. Thankfully for the people at work I’m usually in just needs caffeinated or funny mode. But dear god don’t let me get cornered by the one chick who never shuts up. I’m still not completely convinced she’s breathing. I swear she just vomits words at an alarming rate for absolutely no good reason. I would ask her if she’s good but that would require me to get pulled into a conversation and no thank you. She’s a great person. I’m just not good at not disassociating when someone talks forever. Cause then I feel bad because I wasn’t listening, but my brain is on big overload and it’s a whole thing. Haha. Nah for real though I have a really great job I absolutely love with a really dope boss. I get to hangout by myself the majority of the time so it’s pretty chill.

We were having a meeting the other day and before it this older lady was asking me if I liked being by myself a lot. I was like yea I have schizo so it makes it a lot less awkward sometimes. Bless her she was like “oh my godddd, I think I have that.” I wanted to hug her because she’s adorable and genuinely one of my favorite people. No one has ever made me feel more seen and included in life that that moment right there. It’s like a secret handshake but corporate mental health club. No oh man you’re bonkers. Or excuse me while I sit wayyyyyyyyyy over here, so I don’t catch your germs. Nope she just smiled and was like omg me too and wanted me to listen to her issues. Like yes queen thank you for coming to work today. May we all strive to be as happy and unbothered as her.

Life’s tough, our political environment is toxic as fuck, and we’re all just trying to survive. Sometimes you just gotta enjoy those little moments that are nothing but fun. Not only is it good for your mental health, it’s also good for your body. So next time life gets ugly go laugh about the silly things in life. Your blood pressure is definitely going to thank you even if your wrinkles don’t. I always knew I was going to have a face that looked like a road map when I was old as dirt. But that’s okay I’ve earned ever single one of them. Who needs perfection when you can just be happy.

~Until next time, be good to each other. ~

Beginnings and Endings

Oh, hey look, January finally left. I swear I thought it would hang out for another gazillion years. I know some of you have been like where the heck is she? The Invega kicks my butt the first couple of weeks after they increase it. So, I’m well rested at least. I started intermittent fasting and calorie counting last week now that the eat everything urges are gone. Kinda sounds like a lot, right? One is for my binge eating, which is new for me this last year and I’m not a fan. The other is to make sure I don’t eat before I go to bed because that never ends well. So now I’m just hungry all the time. So, approach cautiously, but don’t bring chocolate or I’ll bite you.

Why are people so weird? Like I know, that sounds judgmental, but I really don’t understand people. I don’t even want to be me so why do you want to be me? Anyway, that was a weird experience that I would prefer to skip for the rest of my life. I really wish people would learn to love themselves because that would make life a lot less weird. Besides that, I’m not that cool or interesting. I’m actually pretty boring because all I do is work, be a dork, take my meds, and sleep a lot. Like I’m a champion napper so if that’s a life goal of yours then cheers. It is not a life goal of mine I was just born a sleepy girl.

My house no longer looks like a depression cave. I have a few things left to do but yesterday was really productive. I just wish having depression cave problems weren’t one of my problems. It genuinely can’t be that hard to keep a clean space so why can’t I figure out how to do it? That my friends is the million-dollar question and I don’t have an answer for it. I’d love to know how people just do things without having to talk themselves into things. But alas I wasn’t given that ability, so I have to get tired of myself before I motivate and that’s annoying. However, on the plus side, I annoy myself a lot, so it doesn’t take me that long to focus. So today I will finish cleaning I suppose.

I decided for the first anniversary of living in this apartment I would redecorate it. Technically the anniversary is on the 7^th of this month but I’m already planning. Can you believe I’ve lived here for a year? I can’t. It’s wild to me that I’ve been at my job for two years in a couple of weeks. It took so long for things to come back together and honestly at times it felt like it never would. But I am now as medically stable as I’ve probably ever been in my entire life. My grandma dying was undoubtedly the hardest thing I’d gone through in life. I wasn’t prepared for my life to implode two months later. I mean we know my major manic episode was brewing long before she died. But two months later, I hit rock bottom.

I wondered for a long time if she would have been proud of me and later realized she absolutely would have. She knew something was wrong with me beyond what other people knew or admitted. We’d had many conversations about things before her dementia really got bad. She knew about a lot more things than she probably ever would have repeated. She loved me beyond words and was always my biggest cheerleader. So, I think today, knowing what we know now, she’d be very proud of the person I am today. When she died, she then had access to the answers to the questions I’d never answer. She then knew what she needed to know in life that would fill in some of the gaps I kept to myself. And truthfully that’s all I needed to know to understand that she would have had my back regardless. Not to say she didn’t have my back when she was alive, she did. There’s a reason I’ve always called her my angel because that’s what she was, is, and will always be. She was the light that showed through even the darkest and most complicated of times. Same with my grandpa, he was and will always be my hero. He never let me down, not once, and neither did she.

I’ve heard a lot of versions of things not being true and I think a lot of people didn’t realize that my grandma was my best friend and confidant. So, in a lot of ways walking this path without her was extra difficult. She lived a long life and more than deserved her peace in death. She lived to be 98 years old, and most people don’t even get their grandparents in their 20s.  I was 41 years old when she passed and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I’d heard a lot of I’m moody, I get mad a lot, etc. and a chunk of that was situational. Throughout my life, there was one main source of contention. I am and have always been self-aware enough to recognize that. I’d given them grace and let them keep things to themselves though I should have spoken up. My grandma was aware of that, and I kept every single promise I made to her. Part of that promise was to live my life on my own terms and I’m doing that. I’d struggled with suicidal depression since I was 19, diagnosed with bipolar at 24, and though I did well for a long time. We always knew there would come a time when I would have to face the beast that was my mental health.

I was terrified of what a diagnosis of schizophrenia would do to me and how it would affect my world. Bipolar, suicidal major depression, PTSD, I understood all of those because I could see them. I could feel those, and I largely understood them, but the S diagnosis was something I refused to think about. Until that day in August when the doc said it out loud. Then I realized running from it wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do again. Today I am sitting here planning on redecorating my apartment and going to a job I love on Monday morning. Today my mind is clearer than it’s ever been and for that, I am eternally grateful. I’ve learned that some diagnoses aren’t the end of the world. She did in death what she wasn’t able to do in life which led me down the road to answers. She gave me the peace I’d never found and the strength to walk away from things and people who hurt me.

This isn’t the path that I’d ever thought would be mine, but it is mine. It’s been difficult and to some degree, it’s always going to be. But now I have peace. I’m going to post this blog; finish cleaning my apartment and then finish planning my redecorating. Tonight, I will go to bed in a bed I love in an apartment I’m grateful for. With the knowledge that I’m loved and for once the peace of minimal hallucinations. Life didn’t end when I was diagnosed. I think in a lot of ways it finally began again. It’s okay for things to have a different ending than you planned. Love the people who love you because in the end that could be what saves you.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Worth It

How many blankets do you need before being in a frozen tundra doesn’t feel like an alternate form of hell? I’m kidding. Well, kind of because it is really cold, and supposedly Mother Nature is set to have a meltdown. But I’ll believe it when the snow starts piling up. We know how meteorologists are with the insane predictions and then you get a couple of flurries. Someone needs to hand men a ruler because their estimate of inches is wildly off the majority of the time. But we did make it to the longest ten years of our lives, also known as January. Someone needs to do a study on why January lasts seventeen lifetimes. Because lemme tell you it feels like 10,000 years by the time February rolls in.

I have officially eaten all of the candy canes and put the Christmas tree away. Surprisingly it fits back into its box which is just seven levels of weird. I don’t think I’ve ever had one fit into the box so I wasn’t sure if I should be proud or disturbed. Regardless, I taped it up and popped it back into the closet where it will live for the next year. It did however require me to move 5 gazillion pairs of shoes to do so. So, if you see said closet mind ya business and leave my shoes alone. I also need to bring the four pairs of shoes that live under my desk at work home. I don’t need them home but I’m sure the cleaning crew thinks I live there. I did find the hoodie I was missing it was buried on my desk. Did I bring it home? Nope, I forgot it and probably buried it again but that’s a Monday issue.

I was walking home one day this week when a stranger gestured to my face smiling. I’m sure I gave resting bitch face in return because I was deep in thought. Listen my face doesn’t ask for permission and does its own thing. It took me a second to realize they were pointing at my lips. I’ve had viper bites for a while and I kinda forgot that they’re there. So, when people point them out it reminds me that it's not the most common thing where I live and work. There’s something to be said for being the weird one. People always think standing out is a bad thing but it’s actually a good thing. Being able to authentically be yourself is a really freeing thing. Societal rule requires everyone to look acceptable to the majority. They treat people who are different like they are this weird anomaly. But do you want to know the truth? Those people meeting societal expectations wish they dared to be who they authentically want to be.

Being the “weird one” is often something people are envious of even if they pretend it isn’t. There are a lot of people who are afraid to be that free-spirited person who marches to the beat of their own drum. My boss and I had that conversation recently. People tend to count me out because I look different, and my boss said something I thought was pretty cool. I was telling him that a certain group of people were finally starting to realize I am a smart girl. He said that’s why you should never judge a book by the cover because sometimes you miss the novel. He’s so right. By judging people based on the way they look you miss some really great experiences. I’m really lucky that my boss has always been one of my biggest fans. Even when I was interviewing, he didn’t think twice about my facial piercings. He’s in his 60s, religious, and fairly conservative himself but he for whatever reason enjoys watching me impress people.

He also thinks I’m hilarious but mainly because I’m always happy and joking around. I mean let's be honest you can’t be on this many psych meds and not be the chilliest person in the room. So, I think to a degree I balance the team out because I’m the easygoing one. I’ve always done this and probably always will but I’m the first person to compliment other people. Not in a “look at me” way but because I know what it’s like to be an outcast from the time I was young. It’s never fake. I love building other people up because they deserve to love and be proud of themselves. I’m forever thanking people and pointing out their strengths. Life is hard enough without tearing each other down. You don’t have to all look alike to genuinely support each other. You can enjoy someone’s uniqueness without trying to squash that part of them. We don’t have to be who everyone understands. It’s okay to be the person people don’t completely understand. Not understanding someone doesn’t equal judgment, hate, or any belief in them being less than unless you want it to.

Not everyone is going to love you but that’s not your problem. I think I’ve said this recently, “Be a good person but don’t waste time proving it.” Standing up for what you believe in and setting healthy boundaries doesn’t require approval or explanation. Wearing what you love doesn’t mean other people ridiculing you should be something you should expect. Your personal style doesn’t mean other people should treat you badly. As much as the people in my life love me and my personal style some people hate it and that’s okay. Being mean isn’t okay and shouldn’t be something other people have to tolerate.

It’s 2025. Be the person that you wished you would have been when you were younger. There’s no time limit on changing and evolving as a person. If the people disapprove of who you are that’s on them and their expectations. You aren’t responsible for other people's feelings or thoughts about your body and what you put on it. That’s all them. What is yours to do is be loving and accepting of other people. Don’t be the asshole of the friend group who is always negative and talks down to people. Cause that’s not being a friend, that’s being an enemy, and no one needs that person in their life. Your dose of “reality” is your reality and doesn’t have anything to do with the person anyone else is. Maybe try to learn about their reality. You never know you might just like it.

Go forth and be the amazing badasses you are. I slept in so I'm going to go forage for lunch and be a badass afterwards. 😁

~Until next time, be good to each other.~